Anyone married to a farmer

[MrsFarm]

Aibu to question why my husband (dairy farmer) works 7am-10pm....meaning missing the morning routine of breakfast, dressing kids, getting them to child minder, collecting, bath time, bed time. Clothes washing, food making, house cleaning. Everything. No sorry, he cuts the grass.

I hope you're still reading this OP.

Before I say this, I'm a farmers wife. We have sheep and cattle and a large contracting business, so as well as our own we see a LOT of other farms running. I have a fairly in depth working knowledge of how farms and farmers operate.

YANBU. You are NOT being unreasonable.

Farming in the 21st century does not mean 15 hours of back breaking toil every day. He's either -

• skiving
• slow
• badly organised
• understaffed
• in a busy time. But as these are a few weeks at a time, rather than the standard, I'm guessing you would have said if it was that.

For a bit of context, can you tell us how many you're milking, what the milking times are, how many staff if any, how your calving works, and any other jobs?

Farming alone is not a 15 hour a day job 365 days a year. Not today. I know SO many farmers who love to perpetuate this myth, working inefficiently whilst their poor wives run themselves ragged at home.
Equally, I know many (very successful) farmers who manage their time effectively and manage to participate in family life and have days out etc.

For example - 3 months ago my DH was working around the clock (literally) lambing as I can't help due to pregnancy. He was up all day and night and didn't have any time off for nearly two months. But that was lambing time. It IS busy.

Now, it takes an hour to go round everything in the morning and the rest of the day is free. 2 days or so a week there'll be a job to do - last week we spent 2 days mucking the cattle sheds out. But you can generally pick and choose how to manage your time.
DH fills these quiet season days contracting. Today he's fencing and soon shearing will start and he'll be absent again for a couple of months (we have a fairly big run).

I know people with the same size farm as us and no contracting to do. They manage to fill a day with just the farm. I don't know how.

So, OP, although some farmers will love to tell you 'oh yes, you work all day EVERY day on a farm and you basically can't see your family, so sad' it's bollocks.
It's often very full on - but not every day. It's just not.

If you're doing 7am till 10pm every day, you're not doing it right.

Unless you live in 1850 and don't have a tractor or quad.

I grew up on a dairy farm. My mother fed the calves, milked the cows and produced 3 cooked meals a day. That was her choice though. She wasn't a great one for housework and was not a stereotypical farmer's wife. We got ourselves to school (minibus) and my parents never went near school unless it was prize-giving.
We did see a lot of our parents though because we helped out. Dairy farming was very profitable in those days 70s and 80s and we had lots of staff.
Now dairy farming is shit and your DH is working his balls off HTH

I know a lot of farmers and I too nearly married one, though arable as opposed to livestock.

I agree with WellErr, farmers do NOT work those type of hours all year round. I appreciate arable is different as you're a lot quieter during winter months, whereas Livestock is an all year round slog.

However, what on earth is he doing all day, everyday with those hours? How much stock have you got? Surely if he's working all those hours you need to think about getting a member of staff in if you haven't already? If you can't afford It, how about an apprentice? Lots of agricultural apprenticeship schemes running at the moment with employer grants available etc. Yes it's training at the start but once they learn the ropes your DH could take a step back a bit.

Or if I have that wrong and you do have staff, then there is no need for your DH to be working all those hours.

I appreciate I know a lot of rich, arable farmers that may not be representative of the majority, but they all have a few staff and all, although they work hard and 18 hour days most days during the Spring/summer, they DO have time off and regularly go out for days with the children and nights out with their wives etc. So something's wrong if this really isn't happening.

So no, YNBU. However I assume it hasn't always been like this, as I doubt you would've have time to marry or produce your children even

Some of my friends are military wives. Never mind not seeing your husband much in the day. Try not seeing them for months on end! Now that's a tough call.

yeah thanks for putting the boot in there dementedma its not all about "there are people worse off then you" People's lives are different, and work in different ways. How a family runs, effects people differently. If you have no actual knowledge or empathy for other people, then your contribution is just snidey shit.

I do agree with WellErrr it would be nice to know a little bit more about the farm?

We also have quieter times of the year, and do get family days out then, our season starts in January peaks from April to September and ends in November but still plenty to do.

We are also lucky dh can get cover so we can have holidays in the six week hols

Farming is a way of life, and for someone coming into it, it can be quite difficult to adjust. I also took the DC to dh and spent time with him at work.

Dh will also take the DC to work with him too, so I can spend time with my horse. We have room to keep it at home, but I keep it at a yard, because I like to get out and it's nice to socialise.

Erm, wasn't putting the boot in farmlife and my best friend is married to a farmer, but feel free to over react!

I'll just repeat this

If you have no actual knowledge or empathy for other people, then your contribution is just snidey shit

You had nothing better to say than basically "stop whining some people have it soooooo much worse" surprised you didn't compare her to a lone parent.

So yes your comment did come across as snidey shit. I was mearly pointing out to you.

Don't think I used the phrase stop whining...
And as I said, my best friend is married to a dairy farmer and has been for the last 27 years so have knowledge and empathy.
Lone parent? How do you manage to walk about with all those chips on your shoulder?
Here, have a and fuck off.

You make me laugh

Er, relax??

dementedma You're going to explode like Mr Creosote in a minute

Nah, yawn.
Later lovely people....

Well, that escalated....

I think dairy farming is very different to other types of farming. It IS relentless and with the milk price as low as it is farmers can't afford much paid help. DH very rarely takes time off but we do go on holiday once a year. So whoever said he didn't need to work those hours every day may not have great experience of dairying. It's not just a case of checking on them every morning and making sure they have feed, it's twice a day milking, every single day. The weather has meant most farmers are late getting cows out, which in our case means cubicles twice a day.

I see OP isn't coming back though.

But you get to live on a farm! Very jealous of this. (Sorry, not helpful in the slightest)

But it's not a relentless 15 hours a day every day is it?

Ladyflip, I think you are right that dairy farming is different, it is much more thing, especially with cows housed, and all year round calving. Those cows need milking every day.

Wellerr I thought your post was excellent, totally agree that nowadays farming doesn't have to mean daily back breaking toil. A farmers wife shouldn't be a martyr.

Much more tying

Our farm milks 3x per day and each milking takes 5hrs. There's also arable, calf rearing and suckler beef to fit in. There are staff, but my OH is hard at it most days from about 5am till around 7pm. He does have down time in the evenings and comes in for lunch virtually every day. Every farm's different so it's hard to know if the OP's DH is working his nuts off or being inefficient as a pp said.

If the OP's DH is dairying there's every possibility he's under a hell of a lot of stress at the moment and deliberately staying out to avoid home stress as well?

Crikey, no wonder the OP hasn't come back! I think she was just having a good moan... I too am married to a farmer who is currently 24/7 lambing and have much respect for anyone married to a farmer! They certainly are a breed of their own.

re the comments about you know what you expect when you marry one- well yes, but often when you meet and marry, they are perhaps working for dad, hours slightly more flexible etc. By the time you have children this can coincide with taking on the farm and with that more time/responsibility... ? my advice- lower your expectations and try not to nag them as this make them stay away more!