AIBU - the morning after the night before

[GinSolvesEverything]

DH and I work in the same industry, and next week we have the annual awards event. Black tie, lots of free drinks. It's a creative industry, and this is generally a major blowout. I'm usually home between midnight - 1am, but last year DH crawled in around 4.30.

He's got a birthday dinner and gig to go to the next night so has booked leave the day after the awards (event on a Thursday night). He thinks as he's on leave, that absolves home from having to help get the kids off to school in the morning.

I think that he should absolutely help, even if it's just getting them there. Otherwise I'll effectively be doing all the before school tasks by myself while he lazes in bed, most likely with a very sore head. Meanwhile I'll still have to go to work (although it's generally accepted that it's fine to spend the day on a beanbag pretending to work on your laptop). He's also out in the evening, so I'll be on dinner / bath / bed duties that day by myself too.

So AIBU to make him haul himself up to help in the morning?? His argument is that he's on leave so shouldn't have to!

Errr...you don't get leave from being a parent!

I don't think your request is that bad, he has the rest of the day to laze around.

id cut him some slack if he got in at 4.30, but that depends wheter this is a regular occurance or not

We do the opposite in our house - whoever isn't working is on dd duty and gets her up, dressed, fed and wherever she needs to be.

If you have to get up for work anyway it's a bit churlish to force him up too. You might as well sort the kids as you're up.

Who gets the kids up on a Sunday or on Holidays? Of course the parents don't get annual leave from their kids. Parents can, however agree to do one morning in exchange for another. You get the Sunday off maybe?

Of course he should! But you shouldn't have to 'make him'. If he had any bloody decency, he'd feel the same amount of responsibility to his kids that you do.

He's booked a day off work. Why does he think that automatically means a day off from home? Surely it wouldn't kill him to get up, be a parent for an hour or two, then go back to bed while you're at work/kids are at school, before heading out again that evening?

Also, why were you the one who came home early last year? Maybe remind him of that and suggest he leaves the party early this year while you have a few extra hours out?

He thinks leave from being a parent is a real thing ?

Bless him.

No.

YANBU

As a one off I'd give my DH the lie in. Probably trade off for Sunday morning and think nothing more of it.

If he's on leave from work that makes him SAHP for the day so should actually be doing ALL of it.

If one of the kids was sick would you be expected to leave work to pick up from school because your DH is "on leave"?

He can go back to bed afterwards.

The DCs won't be cutting anyone any slack will they?! They still need dressing and feeding and cleaning and getting to school.

You'll both be having a heavy night so there's no reason he should be given the morning off parenting his children. Particularly he can spent the day in bed.

I wouldn't have him drive the children though if he's had that much to drink and been up all night. I think the least you should expect is that he crawls his arse out of bed to make sure they get dressed / don't choke on their breakfast while you have a shower.

He can go back to bed once they're at school.

The OP is going to the same event yet because she's working she should do it all???

Sometimes MN is fucking bonkers.

Yanbu. He's being a useless prick. And with some of these pp as wives no wonder men think they can get away with such bullshit.

TeaBelle - same with us.

Both dh and I have one weekday off. Dh is off on Thursdays. I bloody love Thursdays. We both get up at the sameish time...he sorts the dc completely, gets them fed, dressed, lunches made and off to school. All I have to do is have a leisurely shower, kiss the dc goodbye and get myself ready and off to work. The other 4 week days (dh leaves at 7am) involve me running my arse off to get the kids and me ready and out at a decent time so Thursday feels like a holiday!

Op, I really don't understand his reasoning at all. If he wanted a lie in because he has two back to back events and he was worried he'd be too knackered for the second night then fair enough. I'd probably just let dh lie in in that case...it doesn't need two people to do the morning school run.

But the fact that he doesn't think he should help because he's 'on leave' is just bizarre. I mean what about general days off work, or a one week holiday - does he think the same then and refuse to be a parent because he's [drumroll] on leave?

It's one day! Why does it have to be a drama? Yeah you don't get 'leave' from parenting but you can give the other parent a day. It sounds petty tbh.

How is 'mn bonkers' diggers?! Are you reading the same thread as me? Most people agree with the op. I am far from a put upon wife, me and dh share kid duties. In fact I pretty much abandon him most evenings so I can exercise and he's perfectly OK with that. In the situation op describes though I'd genuinely think there's no point us both getting up. I guess it depends on how many kids you have and how difficult they are though but I don't find it particularly hard getting mine sorted in the morning. I find the evenings harder, hence me absenting myself as much as possible!

The OP is going to the same event yet because she's working she should do it all??? Sometimes MN is fucking bonkers

The 'on leave' thing aside because it's nonsense - then I don't think that ^ is unreasonable.

If me and dh both had a night out - he wasn't due in work the next day but I was...i'd probably let him lie in the next day if he was knackered.

I mean, I have to be up for work anyway and will have to be knackered regardless - can't really see the point in two people suffering! And like a pp said, i'd probably just trade it off for a lie in on Sunday.

And tbh if the op is in such a state the day after the event that she literally can't do the morning kids stuff alone then she's got no business having the kids there at all - if you're that hungover/tired the next morning you either need to abstain a bit the night before or arrange for the kids to go somewhere else overnight (and I apply that to both the op and her oh).

Well he should at the very least get up & help.

He's got the rest of the day to go back to bed & recover!

Its the assumption thats the problem though isnt it?

Last year he rocked up at 4:30am and was presumably no more use than bleeding ornament the next day. This year he has announced that he is opting out completely on the assumption that the OP will do it.

What if she said "Actually no darling, I have booked the day off too so I am "off" that day"? Would that be ok? No.

He makes these decisions safe in the knowledge that she will step up, without giving a thought to anyone but himself. At the very least it meritted a "Do you mind if....." discussion.

How old are your DC and what 'before school’ tasks need doing? If their clothes are laid out the night before and their bags sorted they only need to be in clothes, quick breakfast, hair and teeth brushed and out the door. If you are up anyway i would leave him in bed. That would be the nice thing to do.

School is within walking distance and I can easily drop them at the gate on my way in. If just really rather not have to do the usual morning dramas while he's snoozing if I'm not 100% either!

He's way more into big nights than I am. I couldn't think of anything worse these days than having to deal with reality after 2 hours sleep and 16 cocktails. So I'll be fine - just hungry and tired knowing me! He'll probably be a collapsed heap of stench.

I probably should just let him sleep it off, shouldn't I.

YANBU, you are both going to the same event and both will be feeling the effects the day after. You don't get cut any slack so why should he?

If it was just him going out then it would be a different situation all together.

Hah - ironically last year he went to work after 2 hours sleep, but I had the day off with the kids as it was a teacher only day!

Kids are 6 and 8 so can be pretty self sufficient. Not sure how much prep can be done the night before as I'll be off having hair and makeup done (work arranged thing). Maybe I'll just make him come home first and do all the prep for the next day whilst I get myself ready. It takes 2 mins to put on a suit!

If you weren't going to the same event I would have said, sod it, let him have one day off - if he doesn't do this every month then there's nothing wrong with occasionally doing it.

But as you're also going the same event - fuck that. What if you decided to stay until 4am as well?

Does it work the other way round?

When you are on annual leave at work does he then go 'oh no darling you're on annual leave, you must not lift a finger or parent our child I'll do it?' No? Well then no he doesn't get to beg off parenting because he has a day off from work.

No Gin, you should not just let him sleep it off. Get a grip woman!!

You need to get yourself sober and clean and dressed and go to work. All he needs to do is get out of bed, watch and instruct the kids then back in to bed.

Unless you're a door mat, letting him have the morning 'off' being a father should only be offered in exchange for you having a weekend lay in accompanied by a late breakfast in bed and pre-run hot bath.