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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - the morning after the night before

100 replies

GinSolvesEverything · 27/04/2016 09:21

DH and I work in the same industry, and next week we have the annual awards event. Black tie, lots of free drinks. It's a creative industry, and this is generally a major blowout. I'm usually home between midnight - 1am, but last year DH crawled in around 4.30.

He's got a birthday dinner and gig to go to the next night so has booked leave the day after the awards (event on a Thursday night). He thinks as he's on leave, that absolves home from having to help get the kids off to school in the morning.

I think that he should absolutely help, even if it's just getting them there. Otherwise I'll effectively be doing all the before school tasks by myself while he lazes in bed, most likely with a very sore head. Meanwhile I'll still have to go to work (although it's generally accepted that it's fine to spend the day on a beanbag pretending to work on your laptop). He's also out in the evening, so I'll be on dinner / bath / bed duties that day by myself too.

So AIBU to make him haul himself up to help in the morning?? His argument is that he's on leave so shouldn't have to!

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 27/04/2016 16:56

And I would point out that he can get up for a bit and help get the kids out the door, then go back to bed for the day if he wants. He's off!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/04/2016 16:57

He's booked leave to explicitly recover from an expected hangover and to be ready to repeat it the next night?......................

or is he shirking from home?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/04/2016 16:58

He's also out in the evening, so I'll be on dinner / bath / bed duties that day by myself too

If he's off why can't he pick the kids up from school at 3, feed and bathe them and hand them over to you as you walk in the door from work?

MammaBean1988 · 27/04/2016 17:19

YANBU! They're as much his kids as they are yours and him being on leave - so he can go back to bed after the school run - tells me he should be doing more that morning while you prep yourself for what will be a long and potentially nauseous day at work.

AuntJane · 27/04/2016 17:51

How much alcohol will he have in his system the next morning? Do you want him to drive the kids to school while still over the limit?

FurryMint · 27/04/2016 18:02

How old are all the kids (roughly) ?

LittleBearPad · 28/04/2016 08:27

Some degree of help the following morning wouldn't go amiss. But if he's a stinking mess he may be more trouble than help. Even things up over the weekend.

nicolachristine · 28/04/2016 10:56

I hate to say this but he might be misunderstanding the term parental leave.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 28/04/2016 11:02

Can't you sort this amongst yourselves, like adults? In my house it would probably go like: ok you're really hungover so I'll give you this one, stay in bed and I'll sort them but you owe me two lie ins in return. Or even, get out of bed and make the lunches and go back to bed after we're gone, if I was feeling mean.

It's not a big deal though either way, is it?

shovetheholly · 28/04/2016 11:10

The thing that leaps out at me - and that other posters seem to be missing Hmm - is that this is a dinner that you are BOTH going to. Are you coming early precisely so you will be in a fit state to do the kids? In other words, are you sacrificing your own enjoyment to do parenting, while he stays out till early morning? If so, I think that's unfair. I don't see why the same responsibilities that you are shouldering aren't his too.

DH works with a bunch of very senior people who like a good piss up til the early hours. They all do the kids on top. You can't really pull 'I'm too hungover' as an excuse - it doesn't work!!

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 28/04/2016 11:14

Missing nothing, thanks. And thats a big leap to assume that she is leaving early because she wants to be ok for the children, she has given you no basis for that assumption at all.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2016 11:17

I dont think it is a big leap.

He has made it clear that he isnt doing it, and someone has to so the OP can hardly stay out all night herself can she?!

AgentPineapple · 28/04/2016 11:18

It's only one day, if you're not in late anyway then what's the big deal? I'm sure you both have nights out at some point and are not fit to get up the next day, me and my DH work together on these things instead of making war over it

shovetheholly · 28/04/2016 11:19

tigger - I didn't assume it, I asked it as a question! Hence the '?'

ParadiseCity · 28/04/2016 11:21

If it's that big a night out I'd probably try and organise for the kids to have a sleepover. Disclaimer: I am lazy.

angielou123 · 28/04/2016 11:21

Agree with deepfriedpizza. Couldn't have said it better myself.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 28/04/2016 11:24

tigger - I didn't assume it, I asked it as a question! Hence the ?

Yeah but you said everyone else had missed it and added an arsey Hmm face, as well as asking as if you'd already discovered something.
Not cool.

cdtaylornats · 28/04/2016 11:30

Have you considered the possibility if he is drinking a lot the night before he might not be safe/legal to drive in the morning?

kissedbyamoonbeam · 28/04/2016 11:37

Op is quite happy with her marriage. She hasn't married an arse. He does his fair share. If she has to get up anyway why should her dp? The kids are pretty self sufficient. School is 2 mins away. I would be more concerned about home time. He should pull his weight then. Homework, tea, bath time.

shovetheholly · 28/04/2016 11:40

"Other posters" does not mean "all other posters" but "some other posters"!! As always, there's been a load of sensible advice on this thread. I by no means intended to suggest that I was the sole voice of reason.

I just don't think it helps any woman to suggest that struggles over where the boundaries of equality are in a relationship are 'childish' and need to be sorted out 'like adults' - because fairness in relation to domestic work is still a major struggle, both personally and more collectively (politically) for almost every woman. It really helps to talk about where others draw those lines, and what others conceive of as fair, though at the end of the day the decision is down to the individuals - for each couple, the line is drawn somewhat differently, depending on their own priorities. Because the examples we set are the examples we transmit, there is a sense that it matters publicly and for the future too. I don't think it's necessarily something that should be kept in private.

HopeClearwater · 28/04/2016 11:53

Is there any possibility of either or both of you not drinking so much that you feel terrible the next morning?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/04/2016 12:05

I'm usually home between midnight - 1am, but last year DH crawled in around 4.30

Then its your turn to not be the responsible one surely Grin

So he has
a) presumed that he will be the one to stay out until all hours again.
b) presumed that you will pick up the slack in the morning, the evening and again on Saturday morning ?
c) booked a days leave to simply recover from an expected hangover in time to go out and get lashed up again. WTF? In my house any "spare leave" that's not assigned to family holidays is expected to be there for childcare emergencies and occasional personal jollies but we discuss taking time off for personal use in advance with each other.

He might mostly be a fantastic husband/person/dad but on this occasion he is being selfish and taking you for granted.

blowmybarnacles · 28/04/2016 12:08

Er, you go to work, like an adult, and he gets off his lazy arse and take the kids to school, like an adult.

He can go to bed later, if he has to. You can't.

Get him to sort Friday school clothes /bags etc before he goes to his Thursday jaunt too. And leave diner in the over for you/ kids for Thursday evening. Day off work, not parenting.

ButtonsAndBows · 28/04/2016 12:14

Sorry YABU

It's abit unfair yes but you're getting up anyway, passing the school on the way. Just call in a favour later on. If you both work full time then days off must be precious so you both should enjoy them, not do all this tit for tat kind of thing. Book yourself a day off sometime and tell him you want a nice rest ... It's not a big issue. If it was a regular thing then I would say different but t sounds like it's just this one day a year

bigbuttons · 28/04/2016 13:24

Just do op, it's hardly difficult. I do it every single day on my own.

You dh clearly pulls his weight and lets you have a lie in. Do the same for him.