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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - the morning after the night before

100 replies

GinSolvesEverything · 27/04/2016 09:21

DH and I work in the same industry, and next week we have the annual awards event. Black tie, lots of free drinks. It's a creative industry, and this is generally a major blowout. I'm usually home between midnight - 1am, but last year DH crawled in around 4.30.

He's got a birthday dinner and gig to go to the next night so has booked leave the day after the awards (event on a Thursday night). He thinks as he's on leave, that absolves home from having to help get the kids off to school in the morning.

I think that he should absolutely help, even if it's just getting them there. Otherwise I'll effectively be doing all the before school tasks by myself while he lazes in bed, most likely with a very sore head. Meanwhile I'll still have to go to work (although it's generally accepted that it's fine to spend the day on a beanbag pretending to work on your laptop). He's also out in the evening, so I'll be on dinner / bath / bed duties that day by myself too.

So AIBU to make him haul himself up to help in the morning?? His argument is that he's on leave so shouldn't have to!

OP posts:

FlyingScotsman · 27/04/2016 10:06

Can I ask what happened last year when he arrived at 4.30am? Did he go to work? Did he expect you to get up, look after the dcs etc... whilst he took his time due to said sore head?
And what about you? Yes I'm sure you were knackered from the night but did you think you had to be acreful to not drink too much because you knew that the dcs would not let you alone, you still had to take them to school etc?

My issue here isn't whether you should give him a break for one night.
It's whether you are modifying your behaviour thinking about the dcs, knowing you will have to get up etc and he doesn't. After all you are going to the same event and should be allowed to enjoy yourself the same way.
It's also what is going to happen the day afetr his gig. Is he likely to then say 'Oh I've had two very late nights, I'm struggling. Please help and deal with the dcs alone whilst I recover?'

Original poster

GinSolvesEverything · 27/04/2016 10:08

Weekend lie ins - I generally get more than him as he often has to get used early to do DS's sporting commitments. I may have also slunk back to bed for a weekend nap a couple of times lately after a few too many gins the night before.... Am not concerned about getting my share of time out.

OP posts:

FlyingScotsman · 27/04/2016 10:08

xpost.

You've answered my question.
you HAVE modified your behaviour with less alscohol etc because you know you have dcs to lool after.
He has NOT modified his behaviour because he knows he can just rely on you to picvk up the pieces.

It's not just this evening that is an issue sorry.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 27/04/2016 10:08

It honestly wouldnt bother me to let him lie in whilst I got us organised if I'd been in earlier than him and I had to work anyway. It would be the same if the positions were in reverse for us though. But, does that mean. Because he is out the Friday night, he will also want a lie in Saturday whilst you then get up on your day off?

Original poster

GinSolvesEverything · 27/04/2016 10:10

Last year he crawled into work via uber around 9.30am (totally fine to be late on this day!). Kids and I were all off, so they had iPads in bed whilst I wallowed for a while. Awesome parenting right??

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2016 10:11

You don't get leave from being a parent, yanbu

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 27/04/2016 10:14

Oh well if you generally get lie in at the weekend and he's up getting himself and the kids organised and out for hobbies and go back for naps etc during the day then I think it's only fair he gets a lie in after the event.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/04/2016 10:14

It's not just this evening that is an issue sorry.

Oh for pity's sake... The op literally just said that her husband does early mornings at the weekends and watches the kids if she goes for a nap after one too many the night before.

Why do people make such a drama out of little things on here?! (Not you OP)

Original poster

GinSolvesEverything · 27/04/2016 10:15

FlyingScotsman - not at all. I just really don't do hangovers well so don't get utterly shitfaced and do shots until stupid o'clock. Really not my thing, regardless of whether the kids were around or not.

I reckon if he does all the prep in the afternoon before the event, so dinner for kids and babysitter and sort bags and clothes for the next day. I can then get myself ready with no distractions as a balance for doing the morning whilst he suffers. He'll also be on Saturday morning duty while I lie in. Sound fair?

OP posts:

Seeyounearertime · 27/04/2016 10:15

I don't get why you'd go and get hammered when you have kids and work to do? That seems a bit stupid to me.

Maybe, if he's going out the next night, he should not drink at the event and then he can look after the kids hungover free, then he can get pissed at the night thing he's going to and you look after the kids whilst he hungover?

oneoldmare · 27/04/2016 10:20

It amazes me sometimes on here that people get so worked up about everything being 'fair', and talking like getting your own children ready for school like its a chore!
We all decided to have children and we decided who to have them with. I don't understand why you wouldn't do whatever you could to be kind, thoughtful and to make our partners happy. It should go both ways, they be equally thoughtful to you at other times and it makes for a happy marriage.
It's the one person that you should put above all others and if you can't be lovely to them who would you be lovely for.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/04/2016 10:23

I agree if you tend to get more of the lie ins and you had a mooch last year then step up this day

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/04/2016 10:25

I concur mare. Life could be a lot easier for some people if they stopped constantly analysing whether things are 'fair'.

Janeymoo50 · 27/04/2016 10:33

Surely one morning lie in after a big night out isn't the end of the world - I wonder if the responses would be the same here if it was the other way round.

plantsitter · 27/04/2016 10:38

Would it make your life significantly worse if he didn't get up? Discounting fairness etc?

If so, you should make him get up. If it wouldn't make all that much difference to you except for resentful feelings, let him lie in and bank yourself a late night/lie in for another time (but take it!).

Janecc · 27/04/2016 10:41

mare well said.

whois · 27/04/2016 11:21

Yes.

I don't see the point of 2 people getting up when 1 can do it - as long as he makes it up to you another time

Lalalili · 27/04/2016 11:25

TBH he's shot himself in the foot a bit by behaving in such an entitled way. I'd personally be inclined to do morning and evening in exchange for a day off myself if your dh had asked rather than assumed.

Original poster

GinSolvesEverything · 27/04/2016 11:34

Just putting it out there that this is a fairly tongue in cheek thread! We both parent the same amount of each other, and generally if anything needs doing then one of us just does it.

He mooches and lies in just as much as I do. The other day he'd been out so didn't emerge until late morning. I just got on with the day - no big deal.

This question was more about his request to not have to help on the Friday after the awards dinner, but which would therefore mean I'd have to do twice the morning efforts after also being out.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 27/04/2016 11:36

Then just say you can go back to bed after...

FlyingScotsman · 27/04/2016 11:43

We all decided to have children and we decided who to have them with. I don't understand why you wouldn't do whatever you could to be kind, thoughtful and to make our partners happy. It should go both ways, they be equally thoughtful to you at other times and it makes for a happy marriage.

Fully agree there.

But is asking someone who will be knackered and been at work on less sleep than she should to do it all/your part of the job of looking after your dcs so you can get on doing your things (such as gig) a thoughtful thing to ask in the first place?
Seen that he is staying at home and can sleep all day, a thoughtfull thing to do for your partner is to get up in the am, prepare a meal in the pm so she doesn't have to do it when she comes back and you aren't there etc... In effect helping a partner that you know will be very tired. And then use the rest of the day (I don't know maybe 5 or 8 hours?) to sleep and recover before going out on another jolly.

chamenager · 27/04/2016 11:44

Having the day off work does obviously not imply also having the day off from parenting. Or even just getting to have a lie-in. If DP was working from that assumption, or feeling entitled or something, that would make me cross.

However, both of us value lie-ins (we're not morning people) and there are preciously few opportunities for 'proper' lie-ins (i.e. longer than 8am) as we have morning commitments seven days a week. What with school, work, sports and clubs.
So for one of us to get a lie-in, that person needs to be off work that day, and the other has to do the kids stuff.

We alternate the very-early vs. just-early (for us) mornings (the very-early mornings can be hours earlier than the just-early, depending on DD). But it is sooooo lovely to occasionally get to sleep beyond that! But that is only possible if I have a morning off work AND off 'parenting', on the same day. However, most of the time if I have a morning off work, it's precisely BECAUSE there is something else (usually related to parenting) that needs to be done. So if I had a morning/day off work with no special commitments on that day, I would see it as THE opportunity for one of those rare lie-ins. I would ask. I think I get such an opportunity about twice per year (one of them being mother's day). Similarly for DP. If he has a morning on which he doesn't NEED to be up, I will happily let him sleep. It's similarly rare for him as it is for me.

Presuming your DH doesn't often take days off work without having to, I can see where he is coming from: For once there is nothing causing him HAVING to get up, whereas you are getting up anyway. It is an opportunity and being him, I would be disappointed if you'd deny it to him on principle/without good reason.
But as I said, if he assumed that the opportunity somehow entitled him to it, I would be cross. He needs to understand that he only has the opportunity because YOU are providing him with it. And in return he should be happy to provide you with the opportunity to do something you value, too.

heron98 · 27/04/2016 14:07

I don't know...I can kind of see his point. If you're getting up anyway it would be nice to offer him a lie in if it's only every so often.

greedygorb · 27/04/2016 16:49

If this was us and DH booked the day off because he knew he'd be totally hungover. I would just assume that I would do the kids in the morning because if it was me I'd want a lie in. I do way more mornings than him at the weekends but still a day booked off for a hangover would be sort of sacred in this house.

EweAreHere · 27/04/2016 16:53

I hate to break it to you, OP, but you've married a selfish man-child a*se.

He's a parent. He doesn't get to take leave from being a parent, especially when it means deliberately ensuring your life gets considerably more difficult.

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