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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should have thanked us both

77 replies

luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 21:59

My husband's niece asked him to be a guarantor on a flat she was interested in renting. He and I discussed it and agreed as she's a sensible woman with her head screwed on. She has a small child who featured heavily in our decision to help out. So as not to drip feed, I am the main earner in our household; she is aware of this.

A few weeks after she moved in, he received a lovely card from her thanking him for all his help and stating that she "couldn't have done it without him". I wasn't mentioned at all.

I'm pissed off about it, given that it was a joint decision that would impact on us both if we were to ever have to bail her out. I want to rip the card up every time I see it.

AIBU??

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 18/04/2016 22:03

Unless she has history.....I don't think it was done purposefully...do you?

EllaHen · 18/04/2016 22:05

Maybe she was referring to emotional support. Both now and in the past.

Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:08

I don't know. She looks up to my Husband, which is really lovely, but she gushes about how amazing he is and how lucky I am, which I resent as I think he's fairly lucky too - we're lucky to have each other.

I hope that it was just a lack of thought, but the slightly irrational part of me feels that it was a snub.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 18/04/2016 22:09

Was your combined income necessary in order for DH to be a guarantor? Or your family home?

EllaHen · 18/04/2016 22:10

Lack of thought I reckon. Caught up in the moment.

leelu66 · 18/04/2016 22:10

Yeah, that can be annoying. Why not say you're lucky to have each other.

CitySnicker · 18/04/2016 22:13

...and what does your husband say...re the card and general gushing?

Whathaveilost · 18/04/2016 22:16

Fi wouldn't sweat it to be honest.
Really not wort getting pissed off about.
As you said, she asked him to be the guarantor which he agreed to,so I'm guessing sh has seen it from that perspective.

Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:17

I don't think he notices it. More of it is said to me: you're so lucky to have x, he's so good with DS / he does so much around the house / he's such a wonderful person etc

There have been times where we have gone out to eat and he has paid using my card, so only he got the thanks - to be fair, he didn't correct anyone. But it's household income so I feel that both of us should be acknowledged for things like that.

OP posts:
MrsS1980 · 18/04/2016 22:18

Is her dad around? Does she see him as a father figure?

Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:19

She definitely sees him as a father figure.

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 18/04/2016 22:20

Tell him how you feel. Maybe he'll pipe up next time if he's around.

Archedbrowse · 18/04/2016 22:23

Is she aware that you're the higher earner? And/or that it is your combined income that's making it possible to go guarantor? She may be oblivious to this, and as far as she concerned asked uncle to be g'tor, uncle said yes.

ClopySow · 18/04/2016 22:23

I wouldn't take it personally. A single mum probably would think someone with a decent husband/dad is lucky. I know it's not luck on your part. Don't take it that way.

Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:28

She is aware that I'm the earner. I remind her every time she tells me how lucky I am that he put DS to bed. Not in a nasty way - just acknowledging that we share these tasks as I'm not at home.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 18/04/2016 22:28

I think YANBU. I would feel exactly the same and I think it's rude and thoughtless.

ComfortingKormaBalls · 18/04/2016 22:30

She asked him. He discussed it with you.

Perhaps your DH should let her know you agreed to help too and not appear to take all the credit.

Be proud you have helped her, and especially her child, even if you don't get the recognition.

LuluJakey1 · 18/04/2016 22:34

Is she a bit jealous of you and deliberately leaving you out?

Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:37

Maybe I am more annoyed with him for taking the credit. But I still think sending a card solely to him was rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:38

I don't think she's jealous. I don't get that impression from her. It's a possibility I suppose.

OP posts:
evelynj · 18/04/2016 22:40

I think she doesn't sense a great relationship with you & I would say she seems to be right as you've called her his niece not your niece. Why doesn't you send a card back from both of you saying you have faith in her & hope she has many happy years in her new home

Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:42

We don't have a close relationship. We don't see her that often. We are close in age so calling her "my niece" feels odd. There's no coldness on my part or hers; we just don't have a close knit family relationship

OP posts:
evelynj · 18/04/2016 22:44

Sorry the previous posts weren't colour coded as op's as iPad keeps kicking me out. She obv feels an affinity for your dh but there's no reason not to send her a little reminder if it would make you stop being annoyed about it. Also, don't let your husband have your card for paying, then you will get the credit! Yes it was rude to send it just to h I'm but maybe she is just naive & hasn't really thought about it

Original poster
luckymcluckster · 18/04/2016 22:45

I don't feel inclined to send a card. However, we will bring a housewarming gift when we visit her and probably take her out for lunch.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/04/2016 22:50

Everybody tells me I'm lucky to have dh, and I am. However dh knows he's also lucky to have me. As long as he knows and acknowledges that, I'm not really bothered if other people don't see it.

Light under a bushel and all that Wink

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