To think she should have thanked us both

[luckymcluckster]

My husband's niece asked him to be a guarantor on a flat she was interested in renting. He and I discussed it and agreed as she's a sensible woman with her head screwed on. She has a small child who featured heavily in our decision to help out. So as not to drip feed, I am the main earner in our household; she is aware of this.

A few weeks after she moved in, he received a lovely card from her thanking him for all his help and stating that she "couldn't have done it without him". I wasn't mentioned at all.

I'm pissed off about it, given that it was a joint decision that would impact on us both if we were to ever have to bail her out. I want to rip the card up every time I see it.

AIBU??

If you're close in age, and she sees him as a father figure, then it sounds more like a young stepmother situation, really. And those are notoriously tricky, aren't they.

If you're his first wife, she may find it all a bit weird. I'm not saying that's mature or reasonable, but she may. And while it was very generous of you to be prepared to help out in such a significant way, and from what you've said it's clear he needed you to sign as well (he's not earning?) and she should have thanked you too... it sounds like she thanked the relative she loves, rather than the wife/stepmother she doesn't know very well at all.

Your resenting it is absolutely human, and not unreasonable. But her finding your place in his life a bit unsettling and weird to navigate, after growing up without that aspect, is as well. Writing a loving thank you to an elder generation relative will always be different if you include a younger, less familiar spouse. I think she should have done, but it would have been a less warm and sincere sort of card.

I feel quite sad for her that her uncle is the one she asks, and not a parent or sibling. And that she needs to ask someone, in fact. Being a single parent is hard.

Is it possible your DH prefers her to see it as him providing the help and not jointly? Maybe he is not comfortable with being seen as a joint thing, I would be annoyed if this were the case, but with him not her.

Her thanks are probably more to do with the emotional support he gives her as a father figure than your bank account.

Try not to take it personally. It's not about you in all honesty . Your DH sounds like a good uncle. It's nice that she has someone to turn to.

She asked him to be the guarantor. He said yes. So yes it is him she should thank. She presumably has no idea how you organise your finances? Many couples do keep their finances separate, so why would she know that you were involved at all?

cleaty I got the impression that the OP had to sign as guarantor, as she is the earner? If that's wrong, and it was only her husband, then yes she's being unreasonable, because all that's been asked is a signature to secure a property - not any money - so she's not involved.

In the grand grand scheme of things, does this really actually matter or is it a little bit petty? I think it's nice she sent a thank you card at all...life certainly seems to be getting more and more complicated about something as simple as a thank you.

Perhaps your point about being the main earner in the household means less to her as she is both the main earner and the only parent responsible for getting her child to bed? So, from her perspective, you are lucky that you have someone to share household tasks with, where one of you can take responsibility for money and the other for hands on parenting.

I think you have a valid grievance actually. She seems to have a deliberate pattern of downplaying your role and contributions, probably not deliberate but still not ok. I would have my DH write or call and say to her that he is glad things are working out...BUT by the way, she should really send some thanks towards you since you are a big part (the biggest) part of making her rental happen.

Your Dh needs to stand up and make sure you are appropriately acknowledged. I do the "heavy lifting" in some areas relating to our inlaws and my DH is always clear that I'm the one who made "X" happen and I should get the thanks.

She asked her uncle, her uncle did it. She thanked her uncle.

Perfectly acceptable actions.
You are reading way too much into this and sound like you want her on bended knee thanking you. Particularly in the way you talk about her and taking her out for lunch. Yes you may well invite her for lunch and even pay, but if you like this person and weren't trying to make it so obvious you could have said 'we will take a housewarming gift and go out for lunch with her.' We would still have worked out that you'd probably pay.

You're right. It's a bit thoughtless and I'll-mannered of her. I don't think it's personal, it's abut her putting your DH into the benefactor role.

Next time you take her out, I suggest you pay.

My read of it is that the niece asked her uncle to be guarantor. he went guarantor. She thanked him. That all seems reasonable to me. If the guarantee needs to be called in, then the OP's money is on the line. But the niece will not be thinking of that. in her head, she is not going to default so she doesn't need to thank anyone for assuming a risk that is never going to happen as far as she is concerned. She is thanking the person who put his signature on the document.

OP if you also signed and she didn't thank you, I'd actually call her up and tell her you were upset by her only thanking her uncle.

otherwise, you might want to ask your dh did he sign the guarantee saying something like:

"here you go love, you know you can always rely on me to help you"

or did he sign it saying something like:

"OP and I sat down and discussed this because it will affect her as much as me if the guarantee is called on, and she agrees with me that we both should help you out"

I suspect your dh explained it in the first way, not the second. If we brought people out for dinner and dh paid using my credit card and they thanked him, he would say "thank Canyou, not me, she is the one paying for it"

It strikes me OP, that you sit there while your dh's family tell you how lucky you are and thank him for things that are actually from both of you and he says nothing to change their minds. I'd be pissed off with that.

I also think your dh's family are well aware you are the main earner - which is why they thank him/tell you how lucky you are etc.

They are uncomfortable with the switch in traditional gender role and are making sure your dh is assured of how important he is in the universal world order despite his lower earnings (strangely enough something that never seems necessary if a man is the main earner in a household)

I think you need to ask your DH to speak up when situations like this arise. Why doesn't he? Most certainly on the occasion when you all went out to eat and she only thanked you he should have corrected her. This time, when he agreed to act as guarantor, he should have said it was your joint income and good credit that was allowing her to rent the flat. I think it is his silence that you should really be annoyed at.

'when you all went out to eat and she only thanked him ...'

It was nice of her to send a card. ThAnk ng seems to be in decline from what I experience.

Who owns the property you live in?
When I wanted to rent a flat after moving to the UK from overseas, I needed a guarantor. I asked my Dad, but because my step mother owned the house they lived in she was the one who had to sign the paperwork. I thanked them both.

You remind her that your the main wage earner every time she says how lucky you are that your husband does bedtimes?

That sounds incredibly petty to me. I hear a lot of similar comments about my husband. Rather as taking them as a criticism of me I take them as they are intended; as a comparison with the speakers life. Have you read Mumsnet? Are you aware of how many women out there are parenting alone, or with slackers who don't pull their weight.

Next time she tells you how lucky you are I suggest you respond with "I am, aren't I. It must be really hard to manage without that help. How are things going at the moment?"

There are other forms of support than cash.

Gubbins you've hit upon and articulated the point I was reaching for, in a succinct way.

Canyouforgive is right - his family are uncomfortable with the slightly unusual financial dynamic. Of course she should have bloody thanked you too! Incredibly rude. I would be very annoyed too. Mind you, I also can't believe you acted as her guarantor, given that apparently you haven't discussed this with her yourself face to face, and you aren't close. It's a lot of responsibility, and a very, very generous action on your part. I wouldn't agree to doing this next time she rents somewhere, if I were you.

Regardless of all the excuses offered up for your niece probably because she's a single mum and can be seen to do no wrong it was downright rude of her to have done this. She obviously hero worships your husband but I think this is the time to take her blinkers off and let her know what the situation is - that you were as much a part of this as your husband was. You're husband should be telling her - you're more than welcome to the help but 'lucky' also played a big part in it.

There really is no excuse for her shortsightedness whatsoever.

Incredibly rude of her! But also I'd be more pissed off with dh as he is allowing it.

I often help my niece, financially, practically and emotionally as her mum (my sister) died when she was small. She's never needed to be prompted to message MrAmusing and thank him too. She's always done it off her own back despite this I have sometimes when agreed to help and she's come back and thanked me (normally via message) and I replied along the lines of 'it's okay don't forget to thank MrAmusing too though please'.
I would be fuming with her if she sent me a card like that and didn't acknowledge him, the first thing I would have done was rang her and said thanks for the card but you forgot to put Mr on. Why has your dh not done that? Also why didn't he correct her when using your card to pay? Mine does even with our own children.

I think you're being odd about this, and very insistent on having your status as earner recognised. What has you being earner got to do with your dh parenting his child (as in you bringing it up every time she mentions him putting your dc to bed)?

I have a very hands-on dh and have been on the receiving end of this from two friends in particular - one is a lone parent and the other has a useless husband. The latter has on occasion shown distinctly crush-like behaviour around dh (who doesn't notice). It is annoying, I get that - because it does belittle one's own contribution, be that practical, financial or emotional. But I would never have responded as you seem to. It is, unfortunately, still the case that many, many women have children with useless, lazy, selfish men and the 'good' ones, while they should be the norm, do still stick out. I am lucky compared to my two friends. I am not a better person than them, I just have an easier time with/due to my dh. And yes, it grates on me too that this is 'luck' rather than being just normal, and a man would never be called lucky were the roles reversed. (Canyouforgiveher makes some salient points). But your dh's niece is within and responding to her circumstances.

I think there's something else going on here - either there is something about this woman bothering you more deeply (it really doesn't sound as if you like her) or you have a more profound unease with your dh and the distribution of loads in your relationship.

However it started, you have an odd verbal one upmanship going on with this woman.
I suspect that the hideous sounding 'you are so lucky he puts DS to bed ' 'we I am the main earner' started innocuously but you are indulging in a drawn out fight.

I suspect she might say 'kuckymckluckster is always banging on about earning more than her DH. I can resist reminding her that there are other roles that matter too'

It sounds like she's winding you up deliberately.

There's no way I'd be taking her out for dinner next time you go round. Also housewarming gift not necessary.

What does your dh think? Can you ask him to make a point to her that it was nice to send a card but ill received that she didn't thank you.

I write to couples as couples. By not adding you to the card she is saying that you're not family to her.

If you dont see her often I'd just let it go and ask dh to intervene on her being a cow next time. Unless he likes the hero worship and doesn't respect you, which is a different issue .

There is genuinely no bigger issue between me and her - I do like her and we get on well when we meet up. I was happy to help out and didn't expect, or want, fawning thanks. My irk is that i was omitted from the card she sent - despite it being a joint decision and one which would affect our family outgoings if she had a problem making the rent. Petty - yes, probably, but I feel the way I feel - unreasonable or not. I do agree that my husband could have contacted her to say "don't forget to thank lucky - it was a joint decision".

She does not live in poverty, she has a nice home and good financial support from her ex partner, a wide circle of friends, a new partner and a loving family. The decision to leave her ex partner was hers and was amicable. She is a nice person. I am a nice person.

I certainly do not ram my earnings down her throat. My comments when she tells me how lucky I am are actually based around our working hours, not money per se. However she, and the whole family, ARE well aware of our financial circumstances. They know what job I do (it is incredibly stressful with very long hours - hence why I get annoyed to be told that I am so lucky when my husband performs a simple household task). They know that I would prefer to be at home with DS but don't have this option. She feels that I am lucky. I feel that she is lucky. We both have things to be lucky about, we both have our own hardships. I make this point. Not "...but I earn all the money!", as has been suggested. She knows this - I don't have to say it.

I AM annoyed with my husband, as he doesn't do or say anything to support me and my contributions to the family when there is an opportunity to do so - like with the lunch. However, he is not party to the "lucky" conversations, and I wouldn't get him involved.

In terms of taking her out for lunch - there is no point to be made - it is not a passive aggressive act. This is something that we do as a family on special occasions, or when there is something to celebrate - like a new home. We have equally been taken out to lunch ourselves. I only made this point to illustrate that we would indeed be "wishing her well in her new home", as was advised by a previous poster.

My AIBU is about the card. I just feel that it was rude. Probably not intentionally so, but I still found it hurtful.