To think she should have thanked us both

[luckymcluckster]

My husband's niece asked him to be a guarantor on a flat she was interested in renting. He and I discussed it and agreed as she's a sensible woman with her head screwed on. She has a small child who featured heavily in our decision to help out. So as not to drip feed, I am the main earner in our household; she is aware of this.

A few weeks after she moved in, he received a lovely card from her thanking him for all his help and stating that she "couldn't have done it without him". I wasn't mentioned at all.

I'm pissed off about it, given that it was a joint decision that would impact on us both if we were to ever have to bail her out. I want to rip the card up every time I see it.

AIBU??

I think it was rude. But I bet your DH has basically made out t was all him.

YANBU.

I've been trying to justify ways in which it's ok for her to send the card to just her uncle and ant actually think of a reasonable one. She sounds a bit thick and like she's in awe of him.

I would take the card down and when you next see her no doubt when the subject is raised, explain "Yes we had a discussion about whether WE were in a position to act as guarantors for you and decided mutually that both of us could." Any more wildly annoying remarks about how lucky you are to have him would be shut down too with a: "Well we make a very good team, he does xxx and I earn enough to support the household. And be your guarantor as it happens!"

OP you sound like a really lovely person but don't take it to heart it was probably an oversight on her part though perhaps you could mention it to your DH

She is aware that I'm the earner. I remind her every time she tells me how lucky I am that he put DS to bed. Not in a nasty way - just acknowledging that we share these tasks as I'm not at home.

Eek. Can I suggest that you soften this slightly to something like: 'Yes, we're a good team, aren't we?' smiling beatifically when she says you're lucky?

Probably from where she's standing, you do seem pretty lucky. I understand your annoyance, I really do.

OP your posts are not showing as purple for some reason.

However she, and the whole family, ARE well aware of our financial circumstances.

Why?

I earn approx 10 times what my wife does and I dont think I have ever felt the need to point this out to anyone, never mind on a regular basis. (well except for here and now :) )

I might be totally off the ball her but to me it sounds like you resent their relationship and are a little jealous yourself?

I think you're being ridiculous and from the limited amount of time on here managed to hammer home how much more you earn than your dh, I suspect you do this in rl too whether intentional or not. I earn more than my dp, our entire family do not know our finances, they could probably make an educated guess but frankly my and my dps earnings are no one else's business.

Yes, I would be a bit miffed too! If she is aware that any money this could possibly cost would be from your combined income....yours being the greater share, then she should be sensible enough to include you in her thanks and appreciation!

To be honest, I think it does sound like she's a tad envious! She's a single mother with all the responsibilities that entails, and there you are, in this lovely life where you can afford more of life's luxuries...on top of which your DH is a person she obviously idolises!

I think your DH, should have had the sense, when opening the card, to say something like, 'Oh no it isn't just down to me, Lucky agreed we wanted to help you too!' Then, she would might have just included you in her thanks....possibly!

So are you going to be the guarantor when her lease comes up for renewal?

You remind her that your the main wage earner every time she says how lucky you are that your husband does bedtimes?

That sounds incredibly petty to me. I hear a lot of similar comments about my husband. Rather as taking them as a criticism of me I take them as they are intended; as a comparison with the speakers life. Have you read Mumsnet? Are you aware of how many women out there are parenting alone, or with slackers who don't pull their weight

Next time she tells you how lucky you are I suggest you respond with "I am, aren't I. It must be really hard to manage without that help. How are things going at the moment?"

There are other forms of support than cash

This! I'm sorry, but you sound petty and ridiculous.

It doesn't really matter what kind of relationship you have with her, or the way she feels about your dh.

If someone puts their finances on the line to help you out.. you say thanks. It's just basic manners. I might even say something.

As long as we go along with the "aren't you very lucky your partner 'helps' " bullshit we are hurting women. The Op is right to correct her niece, it's showing her that actually it should be expected.

tbh i think you sound a bit petty

she asked her uncle, to help her
he did
she had the decency to thank him (profusely)

so what that your dh needs your income to be able to do it? that's not really relevant here, maybe if you DO actually have to bail her out it will be, but she's just thanking him for his faith in her and for being there for her.

if i buy a present, and get thanked, should i say "oh thank dh, he paid for it, not me"

surely marriage means joint finances, a team, not who pays for what.

I think the fact you are the main breadwinner makes him feel a little less important, hence when he's singularly thanked for something that ultimately you too made happen, he's enjoying looking like the hero for once ... And that can be a tad annoying ! So I see exactly where you are coming from... From experience, I now never let on that I have more income than any man I am involved with, as it really messes with their heads, even the lovely sensible ones .

I would be annoyed too. Throw out the card - your DH probably won't even notice. And perhaps back off a bit from the relationship with her - eg leave it up to your husband to do housewarming presents and organise lunch out etc (don't prompt him to do these things, just quietly refrain from doing them yourself). It may become clear to both of them just who is putting the most effort into family relationships.

You changed your name a bit mid thread OP so your posts are no longer highlighted. I missed your last post.

I can see why it's irksome but I think your family finances are a point of tension for whatever reason. I'd hate everyone to know who earns what - I know that's very old fashioned.

sounds like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about their relationship. I also think its strange you say things like he is lucky to her when he has been given a compliment - its comes across as if your trying to put him in his place.

I wonder why you crave the recognition?

Luckily dh feels the same, I think I'd feel rather humiliated if he kept going on about it. On the other hand, I guess people just assume that husbands earn more than their wives, so maybe this does need challenging occasionally?

Luckily dh feels the same, I think I'd feel rather humiliated if he kept going on about it. On the other hand, I guess people just assume that husbands earn more than their wives, so maybe this does need challenging occasionally?

Where appropriate. For instance, if the OP's niece said, 'You're so lucky to have married a man who earns so much more money than you!'.

She is aware that I'm the earner. I remind her every time she tells me how lucky I am that he put DS to bed Rather passive aggressive, isn't it. You sound resentful, maybe even jealous of her/her relationship with your dh.

You are also coming across as someone who only cares about how much more you earn than your dh!

For years my dh worked & I didn't, from his wages (aka "our money") I have bought people presents, meals etc. Mostly they say thank you to me, not dh (because he might not be there), doesn't even occur to dh to care.

Throw out the card - your DH probably won't even notice Don't you dare, op! That would be horrible.

Hmm you seem to have a massive chip on your shoulder. I out earn my DH by quite a way, but don't feel the need to remind people of it all the time.

Did he sign as guarantor on his own or did you both have to sign? If it was just him then yabu.

I might be a bit put out but it would pass in about five minutes and I certainly wouldn't feel the need to start a thread on MN about it.

I agree with others.

Her comments are all about her and nothing about you. I would not take it as a slight; I'd take it as a compliment