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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you think this is normal for nearly 18yo dd

61 replies

Darrowisred · 10/04/2016 21:24

DD is quite young for her age. She's never had a boyfriend, or shown any interest in going out, drinking, etc - not that this is a bad thing, just aware that most kids her age do do this stuff and she has been left behind a little by her friends.

She told me recently that she has never fancied a boy. That there have been a few boys in her class who she's found attractive but felt no more than that. That she sees her friends having crushes on/relationships with boys and can't empathise as she's never felt like that. I asked if she was interested in girls and she said definitely not - she is v open with me and knows I would be supportive so I believe her.

Just wondered if anyone else has experience of this? She is very worried she will never have romantic feelings and says she really wants to but just feels nothing. I told her she's still very young and just hasn't met the right boy to spark her interest - but you do get some people that are asexual.... It's making her quite sad so any thoughts or advice appreciated.

OP posts:

HidingFromDD · 10/04/2016 21:38

My eldest didn't really start dating until 19, youngest was 17.5. Neither really had crushes or celebrity idols either. But then I didn't until 18 and at 52 I've only had 3 significant relationships (one lasted 25 years though!). We're just very very picky 😁

When the right person comes along it'll change. The fact that she's not happy about it makes me think she's probably not asexual, just hasn't found someone with the right spark yet.

For both me and my dds it seems to be a mix of brains and a very quirky sense of humour!

Original poster

Darrowisred · 10/04/2016 21:43

Thanks Hidingfrom

OP posts:

annandale · 10/04/2016 21:45

What you said to your dd was quite right. I would be tending to encourage her to go out, in terms of doing things and following any interest she has, as I do have a couple of friends who I think would have liked to meet someone but never seemed to do very much about it. She may not enjoy going to pubs and clubs but joining or starting a group meeting to do a hobby, or volunteering for a cause she cares about, would be well worth encouraging. I wouldn't see her as being left behind by her friends, more that she is perhaps outgrowing her current circle a bit.

BackforGood · 10/04/2016 21:52

I think that's pretty normal.
My dd is 17.5 and isn't interested - she's had a couple of lads ask her, but just isn't bothered at the moment - she has plenty of friends who are lads.

Thinking about my nieces, and my friends dds and my dd's friends, the majority don't have / haven't had boyfriends at that age.

Cookingongas · 10/04/2016 21:57

I had sexual relationships with both genders before 20. Never attracted to anyone. Never fancied anyone. I kept trying, kept pretending. When I finally was attracted to someone I realised what I'd wasted trying to pretend in the past. Good for your dad that she hasn't succumbed to peer and social pressure.

SaucyJack · 10/04/2016 21:59

Has she ever fancied pop stars/film stars?

Wondering if it's that she doesn't experience that type of sexual attraction at all- or if it's that she never actually fancies any of the lads that are in her year at school/college as she's on a different wavelength.

Joinourclub · 10/04/2016 22:00

I think I have only 'fancied' about 3 people in my entire life. And I'm happily married now! I never really understood my friends at school with their boy band posters and their crushes. It turns out that I just really need to get to know someone before I get the hots for them! And I'm also pretty picky.

Original poster

Darrowisred · 10/04/2016 22:01

She finds celebrities attractive, yes. But no more really. I hope it's just that she hasn't reached that stage of maturity yet or just not met the right person..

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/04/2016 22:03

My almost 18 year old DS has never had a girlfriend. He has girl friends, but shows no interest in anyone romantically. I'm sure he's never even kissed snyone. He's just not interested.

I'm not cincerned in the slightest. Just think he's a late bloomer.

(Unlike my eldest DS who was having sex with his gf at 15. I know which DS I find easier and gives me less to worry about)

Lollipopstick · 10/04/2016 22:04

I was the same at that age. At 19 I might the person who is now my DH and have been together nearly 20 years. I just hadn't met anyone before that I really clicked with.

When I was a teen I never went out or drank - that all changed when I went to uni.

Teaandcakeat8 · 10/04/2016 22:08

I didn't fancy anyone properly until I was about 18... This was largely because I thought all the boys at my school were losers and I was much more interested in school work...

She probably hasn't met the right person or isn't sure what truly fancying someone means.

JockTamsonsBairns · 10/04/2016 22:08

My dd is 18 in June, so I'm guessing roughly the same age as yours? My dd has never had a relationship of any sort, no spark with anyone, and not even a hint of anything. She's been perfectly happy with this - up until recently. She's always had lots of friends, both male and female, and plenty of hobbies and invites to go out and do stuff. Most of her friends now though are starting to go out to pubs and clubs at the weekend, as they've already turned 18, and I think my dd might be starting to feel a bit cast aside. She's very different from her peers - doesn't own a scrap of make up, not particularly interested in clothes, other than her usual jeans and hoodies, wears her hair very short etc. She says she's fine about things, but the strong friendship group that existed up until last year now seems to be falling away. I guess that's just life, and fairly normal for this age group. I'll be watching your thread with interest.

Salfordlass · 10/04/2016 22:09

Completely agree with joinourclub - I lost my virginity at 16 and then had a couple of other relationships and loads of one nighters but I always just felt like it was just what I was supposed to be doing. also never fancied pop stars etc (I remember my friends going crazy over take that and having to pretend I was a mad fan too!)When I met my (now husband) when I was 22 I liked him instantly and then fell madly in love on about our third date! I realised I'd just never been in love before and it's a mixture of personality and being physically attracted to someone. Some people are just slow burners (and I still hardly ever fancy anyone except my hubby!) although I must say that guy from poldark gets my heart racing!

Teaandcakeat8 · 10/04/2016 22:12

Also if she is a bit unique and depending on what her peers are like it might be that she hasn't found her 'type' yet. I grew up in a small town and all of my peers were very different to me; it wasn't until I left and went to university that suddenly my horizons opened up and I met a whole bunch of diverse and different people. She has plenty of time and lots to experience yet.

2rebecca · 10/04/2016 22:12

My son age 17 said he felt asexual but now age 19 has had a girlfriend for over 6 month he is smitten with.
I had crushes on boys from about age 10 but no boyfriend until 17. I think young girls tend to all fancy the best looking boy in class so it's not really about love or getting on with someone but a form of hero worship.

SlatternIsTrying · 10/04/2016 22:16

Your DD sounds a bit like I was at a similar age.

I only started to do 'normal' teenagery things like drinking, copping off etc when I went to uni.

I'm now a very sensible happily married mother of 2.

I wouldn't worry about your DD not being that interested yet, she has plenty of time to be led astray.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/04/2016 22:18

My DS1 had only done a bit of unenthusiastic casual dating (going through the motions I think) before Uni. Met a lovely girl on his first night, four years on they are still besotted.

DD1 had her first boyfriend at 17. She says she really only liked him as a friend and only now (at 20) with her current boyfriend, does she feel really in love/lust.

DD2 is 17, has dated a couple of boys and a girl. Says she's never really wanted to take things further and become a couple with any of them. She's quite picky.

I have a theory that some kids (not all) get into relationships young to fill a gap of love and care that's not being met by parents or friends. Really secure kids are less likely to do that. (Of course some, perfectly happy kids, do meet someone they really like when they are young and are not just filling a gap with it).

Valentine2 · 10/04/2016 22:21

I have a cousin who didn't go out with anyone till well into 20s. She was gorgeous and lively and very outgoing but she just used to say she didn't fancy anyone yet. We used to wonder.then a couple of whirlwind romance type dates and now happily married to the guy she met after dumping both of them. Quite a scandal. You will get there OP 😹

isindecherryblossom · 10/04/2016 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minatiae · 10/04/2016 22:28

Normal. I was the same at her age.

Some people just never get the drinking thing and don't feel the need to be in a relationship or don't see a relationship as a priority.

minatiae · 10/04/2016 22:30

PS 10 years later I'm in a healthy relationship with a man, but never did get the drinking thing. I do go out and enjoy bars and dancing now, but I don't drink very much.

mathanxiety · 10/04/2016 22:32

It could be that some of her friends are looking for attention with dramatic talk of massive crushes or have talked themselves into a constant state of swooning to fill in some emptiness, and your DD just hasn't seen through that.

notamummy10 · 10/04/2016 22:33

I'm 23 and never been attracted to someone.

I've had sex with people but that's it... No feelings at all!

MissTurnstiles · 10/04/2016 22:34

Really normal.

Without wishing to offend any mothers of teenage boys, 18-year-old boys are pretty dreadful. At her age I had a burning crush on a teacher but zero interest in any of the boys around me. I was 22 before I met someone of my own age who was of genuine interest.

You sound like a great mum and it's wonderful that she can be so open with you. Keep those channels of communication open and encourage her to do the things that make her happy; not the things that she feels she 'should' be doing.

Original poster

Darrowisred · 10/04/2016 22:35

Ah, thank you all so much! Feel very reassured by your posts.

OP posts:

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