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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you think this is normal for nearly 18yo dd

61 replies

Darrowisred · 10/04/2016 21:24

DD is quite young for her age. She's never had a boyfriend, or shown any interest in going out, drinking, etc - not that this is a bad thing, just aware that most kids her age do do this stuff and she has been left behind a little by her friends.

She told me recently that she has never fancied a boy. That there have been a few boys in her class who she's found attractive but felt no more than that. That she sees her friends having crushes on/relationships with boys and can't empathise as she's never felt like that. I asked if she was interested in girls and she said definitely not - she is v open with me and knows I would be supportive so I believe her.

Just wondered if anyone else has experience of this? She is very worried she will never have romantic feelings and says she really wants to but just feels nothing. I told her she's still very young and just hasn't met the right boy to spark her interest - but you do get some people that are asexual.... It's making her quite sad so any thoughts or advice appreciated.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 10/04/2016 22:37

I agree MissTurnstiles, and my own DS was once 18.. It surprises me no end to see what solid citizens and smart men many of my old male classmates have turned out to be. I honestly thought many of them would never develop an interest in anything other than drinking cider and farting contests.

buildalegohouse · 10/04/2016 22:38

If she is worried about it then all you can do is be there for her to talk to. Be reassuring and accepting as you would (I assume) be if she told you she was experiencing gay feelings. Asexual and aromantic lifestyles are real and valid and should not be written off as being a late bloomer or changing when the right person comes along . Obviously, this is the case for some people, but not for everyone.
There is an 'A' in LGBTQIA+ for a reason

goddessoftheharvest · 10/04/2016 22:50

She sounds like she's just a late bloomer. I had boyfriends and had had sex by her age, but looking back it was about fitting in, and they didn't really do it for me. I have quite a particular type, as it turns out, and it's not the type of man usually avaliable to teens and younger women (bit older, outdoorsy and grizzled!) I had to get to a certain age, basically. Am now madly in love and last with DH

Good on her for not falling into the peer pressure trap. She's doing the right thing. As long as she continues to involve herself in a variety of activities, maybe make a few new friends, then nothing to worry about

Blitzburgher · 10/04/2016 22:52

MY DH is like this. He's doesn't fancy anyone - he just has you as a friend or he's in love with you. He has billions of female friends and has only had three romantic relationships in his 38 y/o life life which were/are (in the case of our relationship!) totally intense and so different to his female friendships. He also never fancies celebrities.

I'm totally opposite - I fancy everyone I know a little bit and always have a crush or two on the go - real life or celebrity. There's not a firm friend/fancy barrier for me.

roundandroundthehouses · 10/04/2016 22:59

My dd1 is similar at the same age, and identifies as asexual, although she accepts that sexuality is fluid and may change over time. She had a boyfriend last year, but it seems to have been an obsessive romantic thing rather than anything physical. She had terrible MH issues when it ended, so currently we're both much happier without any of that! She also doesn't drink or go clubbing, but nor do most of her friends.

grapejuicerocks · 10/04/2016 23:00

I didn't really get into boys until uni either. Quickly made up for it then though.

I think it was because the ones I would have really fancied were out of my league and it was only when I was older and appreciated men for their personality rather than just their looks, that things took off. I was also more confident so that probably helped me get the better looking men that I actually fancied.

buzzpop · 10/04/2016 23:04

DD told me between 13 and 15 she didn't fancy anybody at all, she seemed quite concerned about it, then was telling me about how many sexual types there are, (7 at last count), then at 16 she announced to family that she was demi - sexual and is attracted to personalities rather than gender. She is now in a very happy relationship with her best friend from school. I think it takes time to work out their feelings and attractions, and things seem so much more fluid for teenagers now as there is so much more awareness through the Internet

manicinsomniac · 10/04/2016 23:06

I was like that at 18 and still am in my early 30s. I don't think it's normal to be honest. It's not abnormal but it's unusual.

I was one of, I believe (obviously kids lie!) only 4 girls out of around 40 in my year group to leave upper 6th without having had sex. I'd pretended to fancy a few boys and even had one excruciatingly awkward and fumbly 'relationship' of 4 weeks but had felt literally nothing for either sex.

I've had sex a handful of times (but hated every moment of it) and have children but I've never been in a relationship and I've never loved anyone or even felt strongly attracted to anyone. At all.

I'm not saying your DD is asexual - it's just that I wouldn't rule it out and become one of the 'you'll feel different when you meet the right person' brigade. People still try that one on me now.

SistersOfPercy · 10/04/2016 23:12

Dd is coming up for 19. She's had a couple of steady boyfriends but not really until she was 16, the one now being the longest (and nicest). She doesn't really drink, goes out once in a blue moon and her main hobby is keeping tropical fish with her bf. Her money tends to be spent on fish and ps4 games. Can't see her ever going clubbing, though she does enjoy gigs...with me!
In contrast at that age I was mostly rat arsed of a weekend, my mother never knew where I was and my main hobby was rock clubs and blokes in eyeliner.

She's just a quiet laid back girl I guess. Not all are boy mad party animals it seems.

ThinkBeforePosting · 10/04/2016 23:33

I think it's normal and not unusual as is not liking make up, girly cloths, clubbing , drinking etc. I'd, perhaps, be concerned if my DC couldn't make friends but not to want to date wouldn't be an issue.

iceyrider16 · 10/04/2016 23:36

I'm 25 and not had a relationship with anyone nor really dated at all. I am not sure if I really want a relationship at the moment. It would be nice at times to have someone to share my life with but equally I love my independence and don't want to have someone get in the way of that

TinkerbellaPan · 11/04/2016 00:17

I am 10 years older than your dd and it took me until is was 25 (maybe older) until I started fancying men just through looks alone. I just never really felt it before.

I fell in love with DH for his personality, and I was definitely into men. It was just always personality that made me fancy someone, followed by their looks, never just that superficial "ooh they're fit".

I never understood other girls at school who said they fancied boys from westlife or whatever, I just couldn't see how they would fancy someone they didn't know.

Then at some point fairly recently I realised that I quite like certain actors based purely on how good looking they are; I get that "ooh he's nice!" feeling that I never did before. I can tell you what attributes I fancy most and what my "type" is. I wouldn't have been able to 10 years ago.

No idea why it took so much longer for it to kick in for me, but I still met lovely DH in the meantime. And fortunately for him, he ticks a lots of the boxes looks-wise for me

So basically, that was a long winded way of saying don't worry!!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 11/04/2016 00:42

DD(20) started conducting interviews iyswim for boyfriends about 3 years ago. There were about 8 I think, 2 of whom were permitted to kiss her. 3 were chucked for being boring, 1 for controlling, and the rest for being sex pests. She has finally met the One (also the First, which came out over Sunday dinner ), and he's exactly what I want in a possible son in law: a cheerful lunatic who makes DD happy.

PestilentialCat · 11/04/2016 07:31

DS18 hasn't had a girlfriend yet, though he had a crush on a particular girl for ages. He said the other day he'd rather have fun with his friends at parties than "have to sit in a corner all night with some girl"

whois · 11/04/2016 07:37

I didn't fancy anyone at all school. I made up crushes to fit in a little bit.

Even when I got to uni I still didn't find anyone I fancied. Boy or girl. I'd agree to go inmates with guys and end up kissing them be ause I felt I should want to, and just feeling really ackward.

I had sex with a (nice) guy for the first time, just to get it out of the way. But I didn't really fancy him.

THEN I finally met someone I fancied. We had an amazing summer of very teenager style snogging and sex. It was fantastic.

Then shortly after that I met my current DP and it was 'love at first sight'. I had this crazy intense rush of feeling for him like nothing is ever felt before. And 10 years later were still together, I still can't the pants of him, and I still don't see people on TV or out and about that I fancy.

So what I'm trying to say is, your DD is probably more normal than she thinks!

MrsJayy · 11/04/2016 08:07

Dd2 went out with a boy at 16 for a few weeks shehad her first serious boyfriend who she met at college sadly he dumped her after 6 months. Everyteen has their own normal and if your Dd is happy then its fine, tbh i was glad dd was a bit immature at school house couldnt be doing with parties and drinking

TheoriginalLEM · 11/04/2016 08:09

I think your DD sounds just lovely. Half of the kids who are having crushes and boyfriends are bullshitting anyway or just going along with the crowd. There is absolutely no rush. Its just social pressure, good for your DD for now bowing to it.

BCBG · 12/04/2016 12:15

OP just delurking to say that DD (21) is ending uni having never had a boyfriend and one of her brothers is 22 and the same (but has had the odd fling). Neither dated at all at school - just weren't interested. Main reasons were /are that it complicated their friendship groups too much when things go wrong. Both are definitely heterosexual, but just not fallen for anyone yet. To be honest this is getting more common as their generation think more about what they want from relationships and to be honest I think its great. DD mentioned to me the other day that the optician she'd seen was 'gorgeous' - I nearly fell off my chair as that is the first time she's ever expressed an opinion on anyone! Your DD is lovely, normal and will benefit from taking it slowly. All my kids have seen absolute car crash relationship problems at uni and are bent on avoiding that as much as anyone can.

BarbarianMum · 12/04/2016 12:27

I think I was 18 before I actually fancied anyone I knew (as opposed to Brad Pitt etc). And 19 before I actually went on a date. I was a little immature and very shy so I think this was probably a good thing. Additionally, I was quite selective in who I liked and always preferred to be single than in a relationship that didn't feel right. It all worked out fine.

insan1tyscartching · 12/04/2016 12:40

Dd was 18 before she had her first boyfriend (she was asked out a few times before she said yes), it's not so much that she is picky, it's more that she would rather not have a boyfriend than be with someone who doesn't match her expectations. She is 23 almost now and on her third relationship she thinks it sad when she sees people have a constant stream of bf's because they can't stand to be without a relationship.

NapoleonsNose · 12/04/2016 12:54

My DD is 18 and has never had a boyfriend. She fancies celebrities - had a massive crush on Harry Styles for ages, and has plenty of mates who are boys but doesn't see any of them as potential boyfriend material. I was a late bloomer as well - didn't have my first proper boyfriend until I was 19. She's off to uni in September so maybe she'll change then. She's happy and that's all that really matters.

wol1968 · 12/04/2016 12:57

I was a bit like this as a teenager. Although I had crushes on celebrities (mostly tennis players) I never fancied any boy I met - boys my age were spotty, creepy and immature, my brothers' friends felt too much like my brothers (just no) and I wasn't much of a one for going out anywhere. The picture was also complicated by a very intense, obsessive but definitely non-physical friendship with a girl at school which was all-consuming enough to put boyfriends out of my head in my mid-teens (a relationship which may have been emotionally abusive, now I think about it.) For a few years I thought I was bisexual, but I got to university and realised I only really fancied men, and very few men too. I specialise in the geeky types who are convinced no woman will look at them twice (think Howard in Fresh Meat.)

I think being picky like this is far more normal than we realise. It may even be that the stereotype about teenage girls being obsessed with boys and constantly up for it is a bit of a myth for many people.

RiverTam · 12/04/2016 13:00

Maybe she's asexual? Does it matter? I think saying she might not have met the right person yet isn't very helpful as it suggests that that's the only acceptable end goal.

LemonySmithit · 12/04/2016 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hygellig · 12/04/2016 13:18

I don't know if I count as "normal" but I was quite similar at that age in terms of not being interested in boys (or girls in that sense). I don't remember fancying any of the boys at school. (In fact when I was about 14 I remember wishing that I went to an all-girls' school as I found some boys quite annoying, especially those who were disruptive in class). I didn't socialise much outside school. I went on to meet DH in my 20s and we now have two children.

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