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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you think this is normal for nearly 18yo dd

61 replies

Darrowisred · 10/04/2016 21:24

DD is quite young for her age. She's never had a boyfriend, or shown any interest in going out, drinking, etc - not that this is a bad thing, just aware that most kids her age do do this stuff and she has been left behind a little by her friends.

She told me recently that she has never fancied a boy. That there have been a few boys in her class who she's found attractive but felt no more than that. That she sees her friends having crushes on/relationships with boys and can't empathise as she's never felt like that. I asked if she was interested in girls and she said definitely not - she is v open with me and knows I would be supportive so I believe her.

Just wondered if anyone else has experience of this? She is very worried she will never have romantic feelings and says she really wants to but just feels nothing. I told her she's still very young and just hasn't met the right boy to spark her interest - but you do get some people that are asexual.... It's making her quite sad so any thoughts or advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Jankinn · 12/04/2016 13:43

I went to clubs and parties for years even though it wasnt my thing. I wish I'd sought out the things I personally enjoy much earlier. She sounds like a very secure young lady so well done!
If she could explore hobbies she does enjoy more then she wont mind too much when her old school friends are off being sick in their shoes doing something she doesnt enjoy. Her true friends will stick by her and respect her even more for being strong enough to go her own way. Some of them might fess up that they dont enjoy partying either.

No advice on fancying boys, might happen when she least expects it :)

MeDownSouth · 12/04/2016 17:11

Ah she sounds like me :)
Wanted to do well in school to get a good job, to get away from the place I lived so I was bullied and only had a few proper friends (my best one tried to destroy my life during Y10/11 but hey). No interest in anyone at school (you didn't meet them!) and was a primary carer for my gran so no real hobbies outside school. Always got on better with boys but my main interests were going to rugby with my dad and spending time with my gran (I was all things 'vintage' before it was trendy!). It upset me at the time as I wanted to be loved and join in with the others, but at the same time didn't want to be in the situations some at school were in with the muppets we went to school/college with.
Met OH on first day of uni and he was my first everything (me for him too). Now we've been together 12 years, are happy and are expecting baby #1! Neither of my sisters have shown much interest in dating either. Celebrity crushes yes, but I think we've probably been raised too well to be independent and have high standards! And that's not a bad thing! Reassure her that she is perfect how she is and when/if she's ready the right person will come along (that's exactly how it was for me). Gran always said things happen for a reason and I'm very much a firm believer in that. Carry on being the good mum you seem to be and she'll be fine :)

AlwaysDancing1234 · 12/04/2016 17:19

At 18 I was just too shy and unsure of myself to go out, have boyfriends or anything like that. I liked a few celebs on tv but didn't fancy them or go loopy over them like some of my friends did.
I moved out of home when I was 18 and it forced me to make new friends through my job and "get out there more". I got my first boyfriend shortly afterwards and fell head over heels in love. It didn't last but it gave me so much more confidence. I had lots of holidays and nights out (but still not a drinker)
At the age of 21 I met DH so don't worry too much she might just need to mature a bit more.

bigTillyMint · 12/04/2016 17:58

I think she sounds quite normal. She just hasn't met anyone who sparks an interest yet. Maybe she is a late bloomer or maybe all the boys she knows/meets aren't all that.

My DD is in Y12 and there are LOADS of girls in her year group who haven't had/got/want boyfriends. And vv. I imagine Y13 must be much the same. It certainly was when I went to school back in the Dark Ages!

TitaniumSpider · 12/04/2016 18:21

My eldest is 18, she's just got her first boyfriend. Neither of them, nor her friends, are interested in going out drinking. They get together at each others houses and watch films and eat popcorn usually.

BlueJug · 12/04/2016 18:30

DD18 - not interested in boys at all.Lots of friends but doesn't really drink. Works hard.

carabos · 12/04/2016 18:40

DS1 didn't have a girlfriend until he was in his second year at uni aged 19. He was much more interested in beer and rugby. DS2 has recently started his first real relationship at 23. Both boys have always had active social lives, friendships with girls and boys, hobbies and interests. I did think DS2 was never going to bother but I think he was just being picky Wink. Picky is good.

Your DD just needs to be sociable, enjoy what she enjoys and see what happens.

ImogenTubbs · 12/04/2016 18:47

I know someone like this. Some members of her family had decided she was gay until she fell madly in love with a man when she was about 24. She is perfectly fine. Try not to build it up into a 'thing' too much. To be fair I didn't really have strong romantic feelings for a long time, boys had strong feelings about me and I 'experimented' a fair bit! But I didn't fall for anyone until I was in my 20s either.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 12/04/2016 18:50

My 18yo ds is like this-so are his friends

I tried to pry for details-was he having secret relationships I knew nothing about? Or maybe he's gay? Bi?

He said 'muddha what you've got to understand is we're all still little boys-we like xbox, playing football, eating chicken and watching superhero flicks'

LOOOOL

I adore ds and his friends are lovely but I wouldn't wish any of them on an 18yo girl Grin

fadingfast · 12/04/2016 18:56

Just to echo some of the PPs, at that age I had a very close knit group of female friends and was not really interested in any of the boys at school. Most of them I'd grown up with since the age of 5 small town and they seemed immature and unattractive. Met DH at university, and he was my only serious boyfriend. I was never the type to fancy loads of boys, although I now think this was partly self-preservation as I was never very confident in my appearance. Anyway, your DD is still very young and there's plenty of time to discover her own preferences.

Greyponcho · 12/04/2016 19:42

My DSS is a similar age, hasn't expressed any interest in dating girls.
He has three sisters, hence why girls are annoying. I'm sure he'll start dating in his own good time & aren't concerned one little bit.

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