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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law

73 replies

SuzieNI · 08/04/2016 19:05

Apologies for the rant I'll try to keep it short. My MIL is driving me mad, in fact my husbands inability to stand up for us is driving me mad. In a nutshell my MIL makes a big song and dance about missing our kids (we have 3 under 5) but makes minimal effort to see them (she lives 2 hours away and drives). She visits but rarely "helps out" and she sees her visits as a way to relax and put her feet up. She makes snide remarks about the beautiful things/gifts my family does for my children (they live far from us) and has recently taken to putting "dibs" on our baby furniture for her new grandchild (despite having never made such provisions for our children; the stuff is for her house). my husband has said nothing, yet expects me to accommodate her (like taking time off work to wait for her to visit). I know part of it is that I feel she rules out roost but despite discussing it with hubby he says it's my problem and to get over it! I must add that he makes little effort with my family and at times openly insults them and I have fallen out with my family over him. Does anyone have any advice? TIA x

OP posts:

Mysteryfla · 08/04/2016 19:17

As others have said dozens of times, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Stop accommodating him (and her). If someone needs to take time off work, let him do it.

Sunnybitch · 08/04/2016 19:20

Start using this word NO!!!

ollieplimsoles · 08/04/2016 19:21

You have a dh problem bit your mil is also an idiot.

You need to get some balls and stand up to her.

What do you think will happen of you don't?

Pumba3 · 08/04/2016 19:27

I come from a lovely well adjusted family and I guess I just thought they were "one offs" but it's becoming ridiculous and it needs to stop. He constantly strives to please her, yet she does little for him. The furniture thing has really got to me though and I'm not entirely sure why! i will practice the word no lol x

Chillyegg · 08/04/2016 19:27

All seems very one sided doesn't it...you have to bend over backwards for your mil but he's been rude to your family.
I think he sounds like a bit of a knob

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 08/04/2016 19:28

Yep! Tell her no.

I had this four five years untill I cracked and ended having a massive go at mil and just about packing my bags and leaving.

I wish I never got to that stage.

If she asks for the baby furniture say 'no, I'm going to store all of it incase we have another child. If she makes snide remarks, disagree with her but politely but firm.

Don't take any more time off work

Stop being a push over

BUT that being said your Dh is a nob for the 'it's your problem get over it' . Why are you letting them both treat you like this?

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 08/04/2016 19:30

Didn't see the bit at the end where your Dh doesn't make an effort with your family.

Got yourself a catch there didn't you op start standing up for yourself before you lose your self respect

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/04/2016 19:30

your husband is acting from learnt behaviour, the only way to stop it is to stand up for yourself.

Start saying no and if you feel that you can't put up with him and his mother (if possible) go and stay with your family till she goes.

Pumba3 · 08/04/2016 19:31

Thank you ladies, this is just the kick up the backside I needed x

SoddingPufflers · 08/04/2016 19:33

Is there a reason you NCed mid thread? She does sound awful, but as said above, it's your DH that needs to sort this.

Pumba3 · 08/04/2016 19:35

Admin glitch on my part!

AugustaFinkNottle · 08/04/2016 19:47

If you don't need the baby furniture, sell it. If someone has to take time off work to wait for her visits, tell your husband it'll have to be him, otherwise she'll be camping out on the doorstep. If she's being snidey about what your family does for you, just say "Yes, wasn't it lovely of them? We're so lucky having them ". If she's waiting for you to make her tea etc, just don't do it.

Pumba3 · 08/04/2016 20:02

That's a good strategy AugustaFinkNottle!! He has even told me he thinks it's all in my head! She has also told me that he had things very tough (I had postnatal depression after a premature very traumatic birth) I hasten to add he was zero help during that time and often referred to me as "nuts". It's amazing how clear things become once you have written them down!

AugustaFinkNottle · 08/04/2016 20:04

Hmmm. You really do have a husband problem, OP.

228agreenend · 08/04/2016 20:12

next time, say it's inconvenient to take time off, or let him take time off.

Baby furniture - state you are not giving it to her, as you are planning to keep it for baby no 2

Augusta gives great advice about responding to snide remarks about your parents

Some people don't naturally help out, so I don't think that's an issue. They treat visits as a holiday and expect to ve waited on.

I think you need to take control and be more authorative.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/04/2016 20:12

Is he an only child or the golden child by any chance?

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 08/04/2016 20:12

pumba your Dh is a dick head. Sorry but no advice in dealing with your mil is going to help. Your biggest problem you have is your Dh.

Pumba3 · 08/04/2016 20:18

I know, but it's just what he is used to! He is not an only child and if anything the son whose child the furniture is for is the golden boy. X

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 08/04/2016 20:21

pumba you had postnatal depression and your Dh called you nuts and told you things were just in your own head. That's deeply unpleasant and disrespectful. No wonder this man will not listen to your issues with his mother - because he doesn't respect you. These are not the actions of a livening man.

FrancesNiadova · 08/04/2016 20:21

What a pair!
Your DH needs to man up & support his family; you.
You don't have to deal with his mother. She's his problem.
You don't have to collect her, she's his responsibility.
Nobody can decide what is happening to your baby equipment but you; the topic is not up for discussion. If you get the, "Well I've told my bestest whoever that she can have the Peter Rabbit changing table," shrug it off. You've never discussed it, MIl can untell whoever, it's not your issue.
Disengage, detach, depersonalise.
(Took me years to learn this one! )

CodyKing · 08/04/2016 20:21

Just say no! Keep saying No!

No your not taking time off work, no your not changing your routine, just no!

I once told DH I wasn't sorting the spare room for hi s DM visit - knackered with twins - took him two hours and he realised how much sodding effort it was! Much more helpful next time she came.

Pumba3 · 08/04/2016 20:24

Thank you ladies, it's been empowering to know it's not all in my head x

FrancesNiadova · 08/04/2016 20:29

X post.
"...the son whose child the furniture is for is the golden boy."
Err no; this is your child's furniture.
This is not a done deal.
You do not stand by whilst your things are taken from you.
"No." Is a complete sentence. Practice saying it.
You do not have to people please them, be true to yourself and your baby.

ohtheholidays · 08/04/2016 20:44

My God Pumba your husband sounds like a total arse!

Who calls someone nuts because they have Postnatal depression!?

I had postnatal depression after my first 2 DC were born,it lifted really quickly once I'd split up with my husband(now ex husband)and my Dr(a family friend)said to me you didn't have postnatal depression you had ex husbands name depression.I think he was bloody right!

My ex husband was horrendous but my MIL was a really lovely lady and I really struggled dealing with him and 2 young DC so I don't know how you must feel dealing with a shitty husband,a shitty MIL and 3 young DC.

Honestly if it was me I'd be looking at what my life is like in that marriage and working out weather I really wanted to spend the rest of my life feeling like I was having to battle 2 people that are supposed to be on my side?

Pumba3 · 08/04/2016 21:37

I must confess I have wondered lol!!

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