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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law

73 replies

SuzieNI · 08/04/2016 19:05

Apologies for the rant I'll try to keep it short. My MIL is driving me mad, in fact my husbands inability to stand up for us is driving me mad. In a nutshell my MIL makes a big song and dance about missing our kids (we have 3 under 5) but makes minimal effort to see them (she lives 2 hours away and drives). She visits but rarely "helps out" and she sees her visits as a way to relax and put her feet up. She makes snide remarks about the beautiful things/gifts my family does for my children (they live far from us) and has recently taken to putting "dibs" on our baby furniture for her new grandchild (despite having never made such provisions for our children; the stuff is for her house). my husband has said nothing, yet expects me to accommodate her (like taking time off work to wait for her to visit). I know part of it is that I feel she rules out roost but despite discussing it with hubby he says it's my problem and to get over it! I must add that he makes little effort with my family and at times openly insults them and I have fallen out with my family over him. Does anyone have any advice? TIA x

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 08/04/2016 22:05

getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 02:40

OP you are one strong lady. exP used to say I was nuts because I suspected him of cheating. He genuinely told me I was hallucinating and imagining certain evidence. He then admitted I was right soon after I had our son. I think some people are spawned from evil and your DP sounds like he has learnt from the devil in law herself! Sell your furniture when you are ready to and do not go and pick her up. Do not come home from work early for either MIL or Hubby. Tell him his problem with your family is his problem also and you expect him to put the same effort into working with your family as you have with his monster mother.
Tbh though, do you really want to be with someone who dismisses you as a human being like that? What's stopping you changing the locks?

Pumba3 · 09/04/2016 08:05

He is not a very emotionally mature person at the best of times and that is most definately a product of his childhood. I'm just unsure if I'm ready to do that to my children but to be honest I'm not sure they would notice! X

Hissy · 09/04/2016 10:30

If you do dump this sorry prick, he'll have potentially equal access and he'll take them to her to deal with.

therefore, in the meantime it's worth trying to fix this and get things on a more acceptable and even keel.

No more time off demands.
YOU start saying no to her, no to the furniture, no to the visits if you don't have the energy/time/space. even then, no longer than an afternoon.
If he is rude, or if she makes snide remarks about your family, correct her and pull him up, in front of them if need be. For her "my children are not a game or a competition, if you would like to start doing nice things for them yourself, or helping out; with them, or mucking in when you're here I'm sure you'd feel less resentful of those who do the odd thing here and there" with a tinkly laugh and a head tilt, naturally.
Pnd can happen for no reason at all, but if there were a more likely trigger, it'd be that the mother is completely unsupported and undermined.

Just stop taking this shit, he likes it or he lumps it. Ditto her.

You are worth more than this, as are your children.

Pumba3 · 09/04/2016 11:18

Hissy, I can't thank you enough for your words! I think now that I know it's not "in my head" and I am being taken advantage of I much better placed to call the shots! I am indeed more than just a baby incubator and the fact I haven't lost my "baby weight" is of no consequence to her! She is a vile woman and I look forward to growing a backbone 😘

Hissy · 09/04/2016 17:29

You can do this!

Having a child strips us all right back to the bone where confidence is concerned, my ds is 10, so seeing as he's survived, and I've been the only bigger who has taken the responsibility to care for and raise/provide for him, it's because of me... So if anyone thinks they cam come along and chip away at me, they can keep on jogging.

I'm approaching 50 though, and this is the beloved decade where we never have to justify ourselves to another living soul... It's super empowering!

You're under our wing now.... These idiots don't stand a chance

Pumba3 · 10/04/2016 08:23

Having discussed the matter with hubby, it appears that I'm the one in the wrong. "Why can't she have our stuff, you embarrassed me yesterday when you didn't spend the day with us all etc, etc". I'm now completely bored of this situation, I think it's time to see the writing on the wall!! Thank you for your responses xx

CodyKing · 10/04/2016 09:30

Can you explain what happened yesterday? Did he have the kids with his mother or did you take the kids out?

If he doesn't normally have the kids did he struggle to look after them deal with behaviour?

ohtheholidays · 10/04/2016 09:35

Oh Pumba it really does sound like she has an unhealthy hold on your husband!She might want to loosen those apron strings soon or she'll end up strangling her own son.

You are not in the wrong in the slightest and trying to have 3 people in a marriage you,your husband and your MIL is never going to work for anyone,I know I've been there myself my ex's Mother's interest and control of her son was unhealthy so unhealthy I made the best and only decision I could make , I walked and never looked back!

Best decision I ever made!My now DH and my now MIL and FIL are about as far removed from what I put up with before as possible.

In this marriage it's just me and my DH,his Mother would never interfere with our relationship,she loves me and treats me like her daughter and I love her.
That's the way it should be,if your husband can't see that and won't put you and your children first he'll have no one but himself and his Mum to blame if he loses you all.

DoreenLethal · 10/04/2016 09:48

'No, I have plans for that [item of furniture]'
'No, I will not take time off work, surely that is your job [husband]?'
[snide remark] 'What do you mean MIL? Are you saying that my family isn't allowed to do X with/for my kids? How odd'.

CodyKing · 10/04/2016 10:04

It is a good idea to repeat snide remarks - sometimes people don't "hear" themselves -

Oh you think I shouldn't breast feed? Puts the ball back in her court to answer you -

Oh you think I should take time off work to pick her up?

Watch her flounder!

Sometimes I wonder if people realise they have actually said things aloud - rather than just thinking them -

Try it - practice makes perfect -

Fedup21 · 10/04/2016 10:09

I'm confused by the furniture- are your children currently using it? Has she pointed to it and says, 'I want that' ? Has she asked your DH if she can have it and he's said yes? Talk me through it!!

Why can't your DH take time off work to wait in for his mother?

DownstairsMixUp · 10/04/2016 10:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Groovee · 10/04/2016 10:41

Repeat the comments to them when they say them. And tell your husband that as he causes arguments and has a massive disrespect for your family doesn't mean you have to be respectful to him or his family. He's the main problem and needs a good wake up call.

RaspberryOverload · 10/04/2016 10:51

Hissy Sat 09-Apr-16 17:29:56
I'm approaching 50 though

That actually surprised me, cos when I've read your posts in the past I've had a mental image of someone under 40.

OP, I think your DH needs to grow up. Sounds like you're gearing up to sort this out, though. I think Hissy's advice is very good.

BoatyMcBoat · 10/04/2016 11:17

Good luck, Pumba. Believe in yourself. Practise saying 'no' to both h and mil. It gets easier and easier.

Hissy · 10/04/2016 13:26

Thanks Raspberry wish I had have been this ballsy at 30-odd, mind you.. Then I'd not have the painfully acquired "wisdom" I hope helps others here :)

Taking no more crap will be met with resistance, but these people have no vested interest in your happiness/contentment/personal development.

Ultimately they need to get on board, or get out of the way. Usually when you put it this way to people who object to your boundaries they crumble. If they leave over you asserting normal boundaries, they're no loss.

It's a bizarre win/win somehow.

Pumba3 · 10/04/2016 14:26

Most of the furniture she was referring to i.e his cot, he is still using so I thought it quite rude. Yesterday she visited and as usual I was expected to tag along (essentially I end up running after everyone whilst he and his guests have a lovely time). Essentially, my children are not a priority to her and yet I am expected to make her, and her needs, a priority. It is unbalanced and the furniture and visit issues are just signposting the obvious x

PricklyHodgeheg · 10/04/2016 15:14

OP you have my sympathy. It took years and years to get my DP to see that his mother's behaviour was unacceptable. It was his 'normal'-he grew up thinking every family functioned as his family did.

I ended up in counselling because I couldn't cope with MIL's abuse, have 2 DC to protect from her look after and DP wouldn't didn't know how to stand up to her. This was his wake up call.

We have had to set some very firm boundaries with MIL. It hasn't been easy but things are slowly getting better.

You need to win his support, then put your MIL in her place together.

In the mean time, as PP have said, let him be responsible for her, get on with your life, you owe this woman nothing. Don't pick her up, wait in for her, cook for her etc if it doesn't suit you. Let your DH do that. Also tell them straight that the furniture is yours and you don't work to part with it. You don't need to explain yourself further.

Most importantly, enjoy your DC and don't spend too much time dwelling on what a bitch she is.

Pumba3 · 10/04/2016 15:26

Pricklyhodgeheg, my husband most definitely expects me to "tow the line" and whilst he has nothing positive to say himself about her, I am the one that is expected to accommodate her every wish. In 5 years we have asked for her support on only two occasions, one was a life and death situation (I'm not being dramatic) the other time was when our youngest was in hospital, both times she reluctantly assisted ("are you sure you need me today/now?)!! The resentment has been growing for years X

CodyKing · 10/04/2016 15:49

You need to think about how you phrase things - so don't mention MIL

It's "Oh I'd like to keep X Y Z"

So instead of - I'm not fetching MIL - try Oh it's a pity it clashes with X at work - you'll have to do that -

Oh it's a shame it's that weekend - I've planned to do X

So it doesn't look like you have an issue with MIL and your DH doesn't get put in the middle - BUT you still get your way -

Pumba3 · 10/04/2016 21:23

Well, it appears my marriage may be over. It appears that if I don't tow the line then he won't be moving closer to my family as he believes his children deserve to know his mum and if we move closer to my family that won't happen! For 5 years my family have been paying for airfares to see our children, his mum lives 2 hours away and barely takes an interest! Appears she will always trump our little family! My poor kids x

CodyKing · 10/04/2016 21:52

What he chose to do is up to him - you also have choices.

What did he say specifically?

Pumba3 · 10/04/2016 22:01

That he is planning on taking our children to see his new nephew in June but I didn't come too then our plans to move closer to my family (we are closer, there are good schools and we would have a better work/life balance) would be cancelled. My sister has just had a baby (Friday) and he hasn't asked about either of them, my nephew is poorly. I've always felt isolated and outnumbered here and neither he nor his family have supported me through my PND and he was horrid when I decided to leave the military (couldn't face any more deployments). I'm just worried about my beautiful babies, how do I do this?

CodyKing · 10/04/2016 22:03

So very controlling then! So as your told?

Where are your family?

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