Mother in Law

[SuzieNI]

Apologies for the rant I'll try to keep it short. My MIL is driving me mad, in fact my husbands inability to stand up for us is driving me mad. In a nutshell my MIL makes a big song and dance about missing our kids (we have 3 under 5) but makes minimal effort to see them (she lives 2 hours away and drives). She visits but rarely "helps out" and she sees her visits as a way to relax and put her feet up. She makes snide remarks about the beautiful things/gifts my family does for my children (they live far from us) and has recently taken to putting "dibs" on our baby furniture for her new grandchild (despite having never made such provisions for our children; the stuff is for her house). my husband has said nothing, yet expects me to accommodate her (like taking time off work to wait for her to visit). I know part of it is that I feel she rules out roost but despite discussing it with hubby he says it's my problem and to get over it! I must add that he makes little effort with my family and at times openly insults them and I have fallen out with my family over him. Does anyone have any advice? TIA x

Essentially yes, he says he wants to "nip this in the bud" now. My family live in NI. I'm lonely over here and this just highlights how utterly on my own I actually am, I'm just not sure whether that's enough to break a family up. Maybe I should just suck it up x

I'm im a very similar situation only MIL lives 15 mins away, still no help but I get all the snide remarks about my family and she's v jealous of my mum and her relationship with dc.
I had terrible post natal with my first and have mental health issues anyway so oh decided that I was being paranoid and making it up, it wasn't until we started attending therapy together that he realised how bad she had been. we went nc over Christmas and are slowly starting visits again, it's awkward but they understand I won't be bullied so everyone is on best behaviour (for now)

Oldjacksscrote was you DP willing to go to therapy or was he reluctant? When we need her she is always too busy (dinner parties, holidays etc which I get she has raised her children and now it's her time) but if you want the privilege of being considered as family then I think there needs to be effort on both sides. I'd rather just stay in the background and let them get on with things just as I do with my family! X

There's nowt so lonely as an unhappy marriage.

Have you talked to your mum/dad about the situation?

My mum has been reluctant to comment and my father is no longer with us. I'm just tired of pretending to find things ok, "just rise above it" he says "they like you" he says, I don't dislike them but equally when little effort is made on their part I see little point in reciprocating with a red story every time she comes to stay! X

I meant carpet x

He didn't really have much choice it was that or I probably would have ended it. The way our therapy works (sounds odd) but we discuss things with the therapist while two people, usually trainees, observe then we watch them discuss their take on what they heard in the session, I think it helped having other people say what we were thinking and feeling, it made it seem more real and not just words, if that makes sense?
My oh usually gets on very well with my family but I know he resents how close they are to our children, when his parents currently have limited access. Although like yours, my family help a lot and put a lot of effort into that relationship.
Mil also started trying to claim our stuff for bil's children (they are all very well off but tight, we are extremely skint until I can get back into work) id rather burn it.

Learning how to communicate and listed to each other really helped but it doesn't mean you'll end up agreeing at the end of the conversation.
my youngest is 3 months and I'm going to try to make it work till he is 18 months and re evaluate then, I know it sounds terrible but I know she wants us to split as she'll get more access to the children, and I just don't think I could handle that. But my mil is a nasty bigot, racist and bully and she does it all with a smile on her face so everyone thinks she's harmless. I am very much the controlling dil in her eyes and she has persuaded the rest of his family of this too so be prepared to be the bad guy.

Hope you manage to sort it soon, don't let it eat you up and as pp have said say NO, I wish I had!

Thank you Oldjacksscrote for sharing that, I'm the dreadful dial already! My mil sounds very similar to yours, smiling knife! Never a nice word to say about anything yet says it with a smile. X

its sad that there's so many women in situations like ours. I've written myself a letter to read when my boys are grown up to remind myself to be a good mil, I'd hate to make someone feel the way my il's make me feel and to miss out on having a healthy relationship with my children and grandchildren.

I just wonder whether he actually has any intention of moving closer to your family. Will he keep finding reasons that are 'your fault' to keep you where you are?

You can't keep on like this, you are already worn down by it and you deserve to be happy.

Are you a SAHM? Do you get out and about much with the kids while DH is at work? If you have lots of toddler groups and other commitments scheduled then you are too busy for MIL visits and also meet some supportive mums locally.

I know that isn't a long term solution but it might help break the cycle of DH expecting you to wait in for her etc and give you some breathing space.

Also try contacting the charity Relate. They will put you in touch with a counsellor and provide subsidised counseling if you are a low income family. If you can't get him to come with you then go on your own. Even just for a couple of sessions. It might help you to work out a strategy.

you don't have to put up with it. stay quiet until you've got your finances sorted and made arrangements to move - and then do it.

and in the meantime get assertive and stand your ground. who the hell are they to push you around and make you feel like a skivvy?

yea, a complete unit of an 'original/whateverlabel' family may be what you've had your heart set on, but at what cost to you and your dc?

they've made it clear they are going to treat you like a doormat.....well i think its about time you showed them you're made of stronger stuff.

play it clever but play it smart...and get away with your dc. he's not willing to stand up for you and he won't be when your dc are at the receiving end of his/mil's dysfunction and toxicity.

Oh Pumba the more you right the lovelier you sound and the less he sounds like he deserves you and your DC.

If you want to end the relationship you can do this you know?I did,I had 3 young DC and found out 4 days later that I was pregnant with my 4th DC(I was still breastfeeding my youngest DS and was on the pill)but I did it and it was the best decision I could ever have made for my DC and myself.
He carried on being an arsehole that was more worried about his Mum and what she wanted than about his own children.

I managed to work and go to college and I went onto meet my DH and we've had our 5thDC and have been together for years now,Our relationship is so different,it's right and it's normal and it makes me,my DH and our 5DC really happy.

My ex his life continued to be controlled by his Mother and his life has never moved on since.

My ex would have started every sentence with: My Mum thinks we .... He wasn't capable of making any decision without checkinh with her, even when we were married. I resented that absolutely because it felt like I kept on being a child albeit with a new mother. They were shocked when I asked for divorce. I wouldn't budge. You can do it. There are men who will never cut the apron strings. You will always come second.

Would you go to a counsellor?

Would he go to couple counselling? He's grown up with his mum so she's normal to him.

If you were to dig your heels in and refuse to do the accommodating, red carpet stuff, as deeply as he does, what would he do?

If you were to say "if we don't mive nearer my family, as we had planned, then our marriage is over", what would he do?

Pumba, what does he want to "nip in the bud"? You making your own decisions about what you do eg accompany him on a visit or not? If so I think that is very worrying. Fine for him to say 'I'd really like to have you there', even 'Im worried my nephew will judge us if you don't come, Ido wish you'd reconsider", but if he is saying ' I'm going to nip this disobedience in the bud' - well it's a bit Rob Titchener isn't it?

Nephew, or his bro or sis I meant - I realise nephew may still be an innocent wee babe!

Hi BroughtmyownBag, I think he feels that it is me that is causing issues and that he wants to stop it before it escalates. He told me (once we had both calmed down) that he feels that I am driving a wedge between him and his family and that I should be the bigger person. He doesn't seem to appreciate how their comments and actions have offended me. I truly don't dislike them, I just wish they were as considerate and attentive as my husband expects me to be. X

The wee one hasn't been born yet and I'm glad that my mil is planning on helping out, it's what families do after all. She treated her older sons very differently to her younger sons (different fathers) but that's my husbands business. When if filters down to my children that's when I feel obligated to speak up x

Yup your husband is an arsehole.

Don't know if I am posting this in the right place, but any way!

My mother in law has never really liked me I don't think she pretends to. A few years ago my boyfriend cheated on me we are over it now but I just noticed that my mother in law is friends with the girl on fb I know that's sound pathicti but it has really got to me. Her daughter is also friends with the girl! They both new what was going on at the time and never told me until they had an argument with my partner then told me!

I am I over reacting I just feel it's a complete lack of respect! Maybe I am over reacting

Any advice would be good

Thanx

Xx

Michelle that's totally disrespectful. She should want nothing to do with a woman who nearly split up her son and his girlfriend, obviously he played a part but still. The thought that she's potentially liking or commenting on stuff she shared would creep me out and make me feel like shit. Does your partner know they are mutual friends?

I don't have a face book but my partner has just started his own business and has set up a page, and his mum and sister have become his friends on there so i saw that they are friends with her, not sure if my partner has noticed it! I just feel like I have worked really hard to put things behind me!in the past my partner has treated me badly this was just one of the shitty things he did and she knows that! I have always stood by him and things our good now! We have a one year old daughter together!

His mum causes a lot of problems

Thanx for your reply