To ask any SAHMs (and SAHDs) how much your partner does around the house

[Discopanda]

I seem to have become a mummy martyr, not sure if it's just me but DP really doesn't seem to do anything around the house, especially not during the week. Monday to Friday all he does to help is 'bath' the kids (i.e. shave himself and squeeze spots whilst they are sat in the bath I've run, I get PJs, story, etc. out) and takes bins out the night before collection. AIBU to think he really could do a bit more even though he works.

A few questions... Are they school age, how many DC, are they high energy/needs?

When I was a SAHM to high energy DD, I just looked after her and DH and I shared housework. I would do laundry and cooking while he was at work but things like cleaning were shared.

I did everything. DH left at 7am and wasn't back till after 7pm. That was our deal before I became a SAHM.

In all honesty? Mine does very very little. He works long hours (70+ self employed), my kids are now 11,13 and 17. At the weekends he will wash the dishes but really that's about it. He doesn't even choose and buy his own clothes. I feel happy with our situation though, most of my friends do go out to work so am alone most of the week so I have plenty of time to get stuff done, though I also do a lot of ferrying around of my elderly mum as well as kids stuff after school. I do get a bit frustrated when he never has time to get small diy jobs done that I can't seem to get workmen in to do. But that's ok in the grand scheme of things. During the school holidays I get a bit worn out with the relentlessness of it all but it's my own fault really I need to train the kids up a bit better.

How old are they?

What does he do around the house/with the kids at the weekend?

11 months and 4 years. He is out 6.30-6.30 so it is a long day. It would be nice if he could maybe cook dinner or load the dishwasher as technically I'm a WAHM as I work from home.

If your a SAHM you should be doing the majority of the housework and looking after the DC as standard depending on the age if there's a newborn needs feeding but older DC need sorting but on days off they should do their bit around the house or childcare. I do the majority in mine but he does help at the weekends.

Mine did nothing. He works long hours and travels quite a bit - particularly when the eldest was a baby/toddler.. I'm OK with this as the compromise is that we simply pay someone to fill in for the things he can't do (part time nanny when the children were very young so I could have a break, cleaner 3x a week, gardener..). Now that the children are older and he is around more, he still does nothing in terms of housework, but he does take over weekend sport and dog duty.

My husband is a SAHD. This is mainly because he is disabled and has not worked for a long time whereas I am in a fairly good career.

We have 2 boys, 7 and 2. He looks after them, does the washing and hangs it out, sorts most of the meals out (following my meal plans) for the boys and us - I fast twice a week so he does not make me food then. He will run the hoover round if I ask him to during the day. All kitchen cleaning is his job during the week. Does small bits of shopping and mucks around in the garden. During the week I tend to cook one night a week and do the whole bedtime routine 4/5 nights as I am out running a club on the 5th one. He does make me endless cups of tea though bless him and after the boys are in bed I normally work for another couple of hours and I have tea / hot chocolate on tap!

At the weekends I take over the cooking, clean the house top to bottom (which occasionally he will join in with) and do the shopping and ironing is a sunday night chore! Before my husbands illness developed (now he is in permanent pain) this used to piss me right off. I felt that I should be able to come home on Friday and whilst I was happy to do the shopping, cooking and ironing, everything else should be done. If he wasn't ill, I would stand by that. I put the boys to bed because I like doing it as I don't see them much during the week.

My DH does f-all. He is supposed to be doing some work on the house but it's not happening but he will happily go and dig someone's allotment for them

I will say what I always say when these threads happen. How is it that men do LESS housework when they have children than they did before? A single man would have to do a small amount of laundry, cook a bit and clean. But there are so many who do NOTHING after they have children. It's bizarre.

Surely most people have to do some housework even when they work full time. Why do men magically not have to when there's more work to be done?

My DH is out the house around 13 hrs a day and doesn't do much in the week. He does the bins midweek. Sometimes he'll put our plates in the dishwasher but he's often got things to do and I volunteer to do it.
At the weekend he hoovers the house and cleans the bathrooms. He cooks both weekend evenings. He irons his own shirts.
I do everything else. I think we're both happy with this arrangement.

The fact I'm trying to think of what jobs dh does shows you how often he actually does anything...

We did have a heated discussion a while back where I felt he wasn't pulling his weight. Yes work is hard but I don't see why that stops you from dragging the Hoover round on a weekend. He will do bits and bobs on a weekend now but otherwise I do every chore and 99% of the childcare.

Shed loads.

He washes up (I cook).
Does at least half the laundry.
Hoovers at the weekend, and mops.
Deals with the bins.
Mows the lawns, front and back.
Does all bedtimes.
Picks the youngest up from nursery 3x a week as its on his way home.
Changes the beds at least half the time.
Picks up any slack when I fail at bothering to do anything.

He is fab. To be fair, I'm not a SAHM by choice, I had to leave my job because of MH and now I'm on ESA, but he has always pulled his weight.

My DH us out the house 6 til gone 7 or sometimes later :( he does nothing in the house. I cook, shop, clean and the kids are my remit. I feel overwhelmed sometimes as I also sort the finances, the car big things like holidays. Everything. I think he could engage more with the household. Not necessarily do more but be more of a driver, less a passenger. At weekends he might cook dinner one night. I skivvy about a lot tidying up. He does his own ironing. I wish I was at work! Nah, sometimes i feel resentful and he does a bit more, but I am at home to raise a family and to support him and his wage is the only wage. However WHEN I go back to work... All bets are off!

Oh and he's out of the house 6.30 to 3.30 and works overtime in the evenings.

I have a 4yo and an 18mo and whilst I was on mat leave dh would -

Alternate nights for wakings
Alternate weekend days for lie ins (no guilt up when you want type too)
Bathe one kid each night
Pick up dinner food on his way home if needed
The dishes most evening (and I did daytime ones)
Put one kid to bed and I did the other
weekends - at least one load of laundry, and a Big chore (car wash/garden/clean windows)

Once I was back at work he also did the pick up from CMs when I was on a late and bath and bedtime of both dcs.

2 of my friends got divorced over this issue

he was at work 8am to 8pm mon -sat. she didnt work. the kids went to some sort of school /nursery (3 and 5yo) most days during the week.

he got fed up of coming home and having to feed himself and bath the kids and clean the house etc. He constantly asked for some help, he was working his ass off for the family and then he had to come home and do everything there too

Eventually he couldnt do it any more, they got divorced a few months back

If I were out the house for 12 hours every day, and my OH were at home all the time with probably just a one yr old for much of it (I'm assuming a 4 yr old will be at school or Nursery?) then I wouldn't expect to have to come home and start doing stuff around the house, tbf. If I were the SAHP, I would expect to get things like the shopping and cooking and bunging a wash in around caring for the little one.
I would want to do story and snuggles before bed, because I wanted that time with my dc, but I feel that's a slightly different question.

50 50 in this house I should do more but I struggle with house work and motivation, we do it together and it takes about 90mins to get all jobs done, I cook daily, he does washing up, we share washing

To address your question MrsTerryPratchett I think that men often do less after children than they did before because they get used to their partner doing it all when on maternity leave (even if they're doing it when the man's around to watch the children) and conveniently never adjust back. When I was on maternity leave it felt like a break to do some housework rather than childcare.

i would also imagine that for many couples, both will be working if they dont have any kids, so its clearly fair to both split hoiusework. however when it drops to one working and one being at home, its easy to see the thought behind the person at home should do more housework than the person working

During the week he supervises bed time a couple of times, do the washing up if I haven't.
Weekends he often does the cooking, walks DD2 to her guitar lesson, mowing the lawn if needed but not much else.

However, there are sporadic things that he will take on/I will ask him to do. He will help the older 2 pack for CCF camp, go into the roof (I won't go up there), bake birthday cakes, do most of the driving if we go anywhere.

He's not allowed near the washing and ironing because I'm very particular and get too edgy if he does it!

This works for us.

When he isn't working abroad. He will do whatever nedeed to help out. Wash dished and pots after dinner if he's finished first. Hang washing up. Help bath and bed the kids or whatever.

At the weekend we just split it really. If he's up before me and I'm having a lie in he will do the usual morning stuff. Breakfast, dishes, brush and mop floors, washing hung up and put on. If I get up first il do It. He's really very good.

I look after DD during the day (16 months), DH and I share everything else. In all honestly he probably does more housework than me. He does spend at least a week of every month away with work though, often more so I obviously do everything then. I tend to cook dinner during the week, he cooks at the weekend.

DH is out of the house 6am-9pm most days, so I let him off. He sometimes washes the bottles up if I've not done it on a weekday evening. Weekend though he's good, he does stuff without asking but sometimes I have to show him how I like things done. Don't blame him really as he doesn't have the opportunity to remember how to do things right.
We've just started having a cleaner (only once a fortnight) and it's lush!