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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he should go for extra 'fun days'?

74 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 18/03/2016 21:43

My DH is going to San Francisco for work. The Monday to Friday he's going to be working, but I'm sure he'll do some other stuff too... Going out to eat / drink, I'm sure he'd see some sights etc.

We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and will have just moved into our new house when he goes. I'm dreading it because my 2 year old is ridiculously hard. She's very challenging, is under a neurologist, can't be left with anyone, has a lot of issues... and spending all day every day with her is entirely draining. My five year old is amazing, but obviously, still a normal five year old!

He's just told our mutual friend in front of me that he's looking forward to Alcatraz and a few other things, because he'll have a couple of extra days there, of course.

It probably makes me a complete bitch, but I am so pissed off. It's going to be hard enough not getting a break for a week straight, in a new house where I'm sure that sleep etc is going to be disrupted while they get used to it, without him tacking on a few days of fun.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Or would you be annoyed too?

(Dons hard hat )

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 18/03/2016 21:47

I'm sorry but I think you are a bit unreasonable. If he has to go for work but will have some time then he shouldn't be expected to sit in his room doing nothing just to keep you happy.

However I can see why you'd be annoyed that you're stuck at home with the kids and he's off having fun! Do you are also not unreasonable!

Original poster

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 18/03/2016 21:47

The title should say shouldn't!

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 18/03/2016 21:48

*So

Original poster

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 18/03/2016 21:48

I don't expect him to sit in his room while he's there... He's adding on extra days, so going for longer, to have those days. That's what I'm annoyed about.

OP posts:

Allyoucaneat · 18/03/2016 21:50

I think one or two extra days, fair enough. 'A few extra' would be too much for me in your circumstances. Different if DC were older or you had help on hand.

starry0ne · 18/03/2016 21:50

Yes it sounds stressful for you..

Does he get to go away often or is this a rare opportunity? If a regular thing then yes really bed timing.. If rare I would let him take it and bank it so you can get some resbite too..

Champagneformyrealfriends · 18/03/2016 21:50

Ah right sorry I didn't understand that to be the case. I thought you meant in down time between meetings. Have you told him that you'd rather he didn't stay longer? I'd be annoyed too under those circumstances I think.

Kpo58 · 18/03/2016 21:52

YABU to not to want to let him to see the sights as he is already going to be in San Francisco.

YANBU if your husband doesn't then give you some time off when he returns from the business trip (and bring back presents).

neonrainbow · 18/03/2016 21:53

When will he have this opportunity again? If it was only one or two days i don't think i could say no. If its a week id have a problem. If the shoe was on the other foot i expect you'd want to explore the area a bit as well while you had the chance.

GraciesMansion · 18/03/2016 21:54

I can understand why you're annoyed but a couple of extra days on a trip like that would be fairly typical for most people I think, unless they're jetting off every week to fabulous places. My DH is refereeing at the Olympics this year and going to Rio, extending his trip by a week or so more than necessary. I'm coping with the kids at home by myself because it's a once in a lifetime thing for him and I would want to do the same if I was the one going. But I do know it feels crap to be the one left at home managing everything else.

Fizzielove · 18/03/2016 21:55

If it was the other way round and you were being sent you'd probably want a couple of days to sight see. What are the chances he'll be sent again? I agree YANBU due to your situation but I also think for the above reasons YABU.

ctjoy103 · 18/03/2016 21:57

I think Yabu, it's a great opportunity to do a few extra activities while he's there and the trip is being paid for. I think most people would tack on a few extra days and make the most of it.
When he gets back you can take some time out for yourself.

Openmindedmonkey · 18/03/2016 21:57

I understand your view, I really do, you're going to be busy & stretched whilst he is away.
He is travelling half way round the world & will be working hard & inevitably wishing he could be home with you, especially knowing that the situation is asking a lot from you. However there's no denying that this is a great (& cheap!) opportunity for him to see an exciting new city.
I suggest you make a deal with him; agree to him going for 2 extra days so he can experience some of the stuff there. But in return he needs to give you something, maybe more time to yourself each week.
Meanwhile, plan some coping strategies for yourself; try to break the week up with treats & visits, invite family over to help & most importantly don't expect too much of yourself during that week apart from looking after your babies!
I'm sure he'll come back with some happy memories & great stories to share with you.

Shemozzle · 18/03/2016 22:00

It's a personal kind of question but I do think you are being unreasonable. My OH plays in a few bands. He goes and does a tour in Europe at least twice a year. He goes for a week or two. We have a 7 year old with ADHD who is very hard work and a 2 year old. I love that he gets the chance to go and travel. Yes, I get a bit jealous, but when he is sending me photos of tourists spots and telling me about sightseeing I wouldn't dream of questioning any days off inbetween. And he isn't really being paid for these trips! Let him have his extra days, and bank them for a time in the future that the kids are older and you can have your own mini holiday.

EverySongbirdSays · 18/03/2016 22:04

Tacking on extra days (presumably holiday leave) is a bit unfair I think - because it's not like you get the opportunity to swan off on a solo holiday, using up days off when you could be doing something as a family.

That said, how often is he in SF ? He may as well take advantage of being in the city to actually see it.

I understand why you'd be a bit pissed off/jealous. It's alright for some isn't it?

YANBU

AliceInHinterland · 18/03/2016 22:05

Yes he needs to offer something in return - sounds like you need a break yourself. I totally understand you resenting it, sounds so difficult for you, your average two year old is very demanding without the extra issues. Definitely go into emergency mode for a few days while he is away, and make sure he helps you get prepared, all washing and cleaning done before he goes, he can cook you a few dinners to freeze etc.

RudeElf · 18/03/2016 22:07

I'd feel really shit if my DC was at home struggling to settle in a new house whilst i'd extended my trip for a bit of craic. I'd be itching to get back home before i'd even left if i'm honest.

Keletubbie · 18/03/2016 22:11

If he's done it without discussing it with you first, he's definitely BU.

How would he cope if you just went off on a couple of days jolly on your own?

Casperthefriendlyspook · 18/03/2016 22:11

I travel a lot for work. We have a deal I can do a weekend (or couple of days) on any trip. It's not easy being away - I'm working stupidly lengthy days and FaceTime each day, depending on the time difference. In return I do a bit more with the kids either side of the trip.
We agree that it's an opportunity I may not otherwise get. Yes, I miss the kids, and yes, I'm hugely grateful to DP, but I'd be useless if all I did was travel long haul, straight into work, long days, long haul straight back... I'd be a zombie for a day or two anyway.
Discuss and work out what gives for you when he's back.

StarOnTheTree · 18/03/2016 22:12

So he just decided this himself without any discussion with you about staying extra days. YANBU to be annoyed about that!

imwithspud · 18/03/2016 22:13

YABU, of course you can't expect him to not take advantage of the opportunity he's been given, I think you know that already. But you know what? That's okay. I would feel a bit hard done by too in your situation. Having two young children is exhausting at the best of times, let alone when you've just moved house and one of the dc is having difficulties.

Just try to ensure that when he gets back, you get a chance to have some time out to enjoy yourself too.

RudeElf · 18/03/2016 22:16

Yes you need a trip away when he gets back. Only fair.

SanityAssassin · 18/03/2016 22:20

any consolation he won't get to see Alcatraz unless he books well in advance.

Hassled · 18/03/2016 22:20

Does he appreciate how tough things are for you at the moment? Is there any element of "yes, I know this is shit for you and I'm sorry"?

DH rang me once from a work jolly. They were just about to take a helicopter to the Grand Canyon. I was at home up to my elbows in toddler diarrhoea with a newborn - that took a while to get over.

YANBU, but it all sort of depends on his acknowledgement of how this will impact you.

Original poster

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 18/03/2016 22:23

The thing is, I don't want a trip away. I would miss the kids (and DH) too much... We have planned to go to LA & San Francisco in a year or two all together, so that's annoying in itself.

It sounds like cutting off my nose to spite my face, I know, but I really isn't. No part of me wants to go away without them. I just don't want to spend the first 7-10 days in a new house with unsettled children (and me a bit!) totally by myself. Even just the logistics of it is hard. The dog won't get a walk in the evening, or the morning actually, so he'll be loopy, I'm sure we'll still have a ton of house stuff to sort out. I'm just dreading it.

I really am a bitch, and I know I'm being unreasonable... I've just been looking forward to us completing on this house for so long, and this has just ruined it for me. And sometimes, I just need to hand my two year old over at the door, and go to my room for 20 minutes if I've had a really tough day with her, and new places and the unfamiliar is a real problem for her.

Essentially, I know I'm being unreasonable. But it's going to be really, really shit.

OP posts:

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