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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he should go for extra 'fun days'?

74 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 18/03/2016 21:43

My DH is going to San Francisco for work. The Monday to Friday he's going to be working, but I'm sure he'll do some other stuff too... Going out to eat / drink, I'm sure he'd see some sights etc.

We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and will have just moved into our new house when he goes. I'm dreading it because my 2 year old is ridiculously hard. She's very challenging, is under a neurologist, can't be left with anyone, has a lot of issues... and spending all day every day with her is entirely draining. My five year old is amazing, but obviously, still a normal five year old!

He's just told our mutual friend in front of me that he's looking forward to Alcatraz and a few other things, because he'll have a couple of extra days there, of course.

It probably makes me a complete bitch, but I am so pissed off. It's going to be hard enough not getting a break for a week straight, in a new house where I'm sure that sleep etc is going to be disrupted while they get used to it, without him tacking on a few days of fun.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Or would you be annoyed too?

(Dons hard hat )

OP posts:

Original poster

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 18/03/2016 22:26

I said 'just' about a hundred times there, sorry!

He's not acknowledging it will be shit, he's annoyed that I'm annoyed. He doesn't see my point, and the mutual friend is still here so I can't push it.

(Alcatraz needing to booked in advance might slip my mind... That does help thanks 😉)

OP posts:

FuriousFate · 18/03/2016 22:29

You are NOT being a bitch.

Why is your not so 'D'H prioritising a work trip over the week of your house move? And then deliberately extending it on top? What a selfish arse he sounds.

If I were you, I'd start being way less accommodating of his work trips away. He'll have to pay babysitters if he's not going to be around to share in his part of parenting, won't he? You did not sign up to be on call 24/7 whilst he got to live the life of a single man and further his career at the expense of your mental health.

Depending on just how bad it is, I'd be tempted to issue an ultimatum. Either he doesn't go and helps, or he isn't welcome in the new house when he returns... Don't let him treat you like a doormat.

evelynj · 18/03/2016 22:33

Yanbu, especially if you have already discussed a trip there.mi think 1 extra day is plenty in that case, also Id advise spelling out to him simply that it will be v hard in the new house situation for you alone with dc & ask if the theres anything he thinks he can do to help

RudeElf · 18/03/2016 22:34

Youre not a bitch at all! Youre massively struggling and he's basically skipping round with a giddy grin saying "woohoo i'm going on me holidays!"

When is the trip? Any chance he can take annual leave before it to actually parent and get a real feel for what you will be doing while he is away?

imwithspud · 18/03/2016 22:39

You're not a bitch at all. It's rubbish that he can't understand your point of view. A bit of sympathy on his part wouldn't go amiss.

Paddletonio · 18/03/2016 22:48

I think yabu

BarbaraofSeville · 18/03/2016 22:51

He doesn't necessarily have any choice about when the trip is, work usually decides that. It's just unfortunate it coincides with your house move.

He isn't really being unreasonable to tack on an extra day or two for sight seeing after going all that way and you never know, he might be able to check out a few places you can visit together later.

Work travel isn't always a huge jolly. You can spend a lot of time hanging around airports, or having to spend a lot of time with people you don't like very much, attend dull meetings and conferences and hotel rooms often aren't that great - I rarely sleep well in a strange bed.

FuriousFate · 18/03/2016 23:17

Barbara - are you the OP's DH?

I used to travel for work. A lot. There was always some flex with regard to dates - you can't expect people to be on call at all times and if they're working away from their usual location, there needs to be some give and take about availability, unless they're specifically paid a premium to be available whenever. Moving house is more than enough reason to request a date change, or that someone else covers. In fact, the company I worked for specifically gave employees two extra days' leave for moving house (limited to once every five years). Why hasn't the DH attempted this?

Checking out a few places to go - scraping the barrel with that one, I'd say. It is easy enough to go online and check out the big things. The smaller things, lkke the local eateries and popular bars will all have changed by the time OP goes on her trip. That's why guidebooks get rewritten so often!

And sure, work trips can be boring, but I'd take a stay in a boring hotel room for the night over looking after two small children, one of whom has additional needs, single handedly and having just moved house. I doubt the OP will be sleeping well any of the time her DH is away given all she has on.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/03/2016 07:56

Presumably he needs his job given he has to support two adults and two children so he can't turn round and say he won't do the trip as his wife says he can't.

Being the sole earner is huge pressure, a day off to sightsee is not a lot to ask for.

Lightbulbon · 19/03/2016 08:04

You are planning to go there as a family in a year or 2 then he is def being unreasonable.

Alcatraz isn't going anywhere.

But you should have some time to yourself. He needs alone time with the kids to bond with them and to understand your role.

AnnPerkins · 19/03/2016 08:04

YANBU. But he might not have much choice about the duration. Flights are much cheaper if the stay includes a Saturday night, our company always books trips over a Saturday for this reason.

He should acknowledge how difficult it's going to be for you though.

OliviaBenson · 19/03/2016 08:12

Yanbu. Has he asked who will be looking after the kids on those extra days or has he just assumed it will be you?

He isn't unreasonable to want to stay extra days, but just having organised it without any discussion is disrespectful.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/03/2016 08:13

No I'm not the OPs DH.

When I travel abroad for work it's usually international conferences that are set years in advance. They aren't going to change the date at the last minute because someone is moving house.

Even in my relatively cosseted public sector role you are generally expected to suck these things up and get on with it. And if you want to get on in the private sector, some employers are of the opinion that they do own you.

At home you can plan your own schedule and only have yourself to answer to. At work most people have to do what they're told and might have to stay longer for cheaper flights.

topcat2014 · 19/03/2016 08:15

Flights are hugely cheaper if they include a return on the weekend - many companies insist on this - it even cancels out the cost of the extra hotel room night.

The airlines know that outward and return during the weekdays are always for business - and hence charge extra.

Eastpoint · 19/03/2016 08:15

He's travelling across masses of time zones, it's reasonable for him to arrive there a day before his meetings, coming straight off a flight into meetings is hard & if it is worth the company flying him there & having him out of the office he needs to work at his best. Get a dog walker or put your dog in kennels and get help with the children. Sometimes you just have to suck things up. But when he gets back he can't fuss about jetlag & needs to get his laundry done at the hotel so he doesn't come home with a suitcase of dirty clothes

NameAgeLocation · 19/03/2016 08:17

What OliviaBenson said. I would expect this sort of thing to be agreed as part of a mutual discussion. Not just assumed that he can do as he likes because he has free child care on tap.
I personally would then have said yes, but felt more appreciated. I would then be able to feel that I was doing him a favour, rather than running myself ragged and still being no better than I ought to be.

Carriemac · 19/03/2016 08:18

Stop being a martyr . Arrange some time off for yourself. Let him look after the DCs so he gets how difficult it is.
And get some help with the dog or the DCS . If he can afford a bit of a jolly after his work commitments you can afford help.

Ceeceecee · 19/03/2016 08:19

My DH travels a lot for work and would never have done this when the kids were small. I don't think you are being u at all.

peppatax · 19/03/2016 08:19

YABU in that he's on a work trip and it's actually very lucky that he is able to take in some sights while he is there.

YANBU in that he should realise he is lucky to be able to do this and give you a break of some sorts upon his return.

Only1scoop · 19/03/2016 08:30

If he's doing Alcatraz etc then I'm guessing he hasn't been before. He's working mon to fri so I wouldn't begrudge him the sights etc.

We moved into our new house straight from hospital after dd was born. Dp took his paternity leave and then went back to work. He permanently does trips as mentioned above but lies on a beach all week or has a whole week off whilst he's there....

We had some 'interesting discussions' I can tell you.

I used to be scratching at the windows ready to get out on his return.

Plan something nice for yourself when he gets back so you get a break.

DaphneWhitethigh · 19/03/2016 08:35

I agree that it's going to be a very tough time for you, and extra days sightseeing should be presented as a request to you, rather than a fait accompli, unless flight timings and cost means that they're imposed on him and he has no choice. I'd probably agree but only if he made it clear that he understood that his jolly came with a cost of extra stress for me.

Make it very clear to him that he needs to pull double shifts on the home front sorting out the move while he's still here and once he's back, jet lag will not be an acceptable excuse. And yes think about putting the dog into kennels or doggy day care or hiring a walker. That seems like the simplest way to reduce your workload down while you get the house together.

Look forward to him showing you all the sights together in a few year time!

CallMeMousie · 19/03/2016 08:52

YANBU OP. DH and I both travel long haul for work, a bit of sightseeing and nice meals out are perks of the job, using up valuable holiday time and extending by days are not! My feeling is that one person's enjoyment shouldn't come at the cost of another's misery and we try to discuss this stuff first. When DH is away and the kids are ill or demanding I count down the days/hours until he's home and I can have a bit of a break - adding on extra days you're not happy with will make the whole thing unendurable for you. Agree with PP - can you at least agree some time off for you in compensation?

yorkshapudding · 19/03/2016 08:54

I'm quite surprised at some of the responses on here.

OP's DH hasn't bothered to consult her about his plans. Instead he waits until they have a friend round (so she won't be able to make a fuss presumably) and casually drops into the conversation that he's decided to give himself a few extra days of fun and relaxation, with no thought for the OP who will already have had a stressful week singlehandedly trying to settle two small children (one with complex needs) into a new home.

Everyone is entitled to a bit of time for themselves, but in a partnership this should be fair, equal and mutually agreed with each person showing an awareness of how their actions impact the other. The business trip is essential and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that in anyway whatsoever, but the extra days for fun and signtseeing are OP's DH making a conscious choice to be away at a difficult time for his family, leaving OP to pick up the slack. Shouldn't she at least have been asked what her thoughts were on the matter rather than it being sprung on her, in front of company, when its clearly already been decided?

TattieHowkerz · 19/03/2016 09:04

I think a day or two extra is reasonable, but he should have discussed it with you. I do feel for you though!

Your DH needs to do everything possible to ease the burden on you. How about getting a dog walker for the week? He could batch cook food before going and freeze it, get a laundry service etc.

rollonthesummer · 19/03/2016 09:06

I completely agree. I would be v. Cross in your situation. Not so much what he's doing but how he's doing it. If he sat down and asked like a grown up if you minded- whilst acknowledging his fortunate position- and promised to make it up to you, I round be fine. He hasn't though.

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