To think that he should go for extra 'fun days'?

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

My DH is going to San Francisco for work. The Monday to Friday he's going to be working, but I'm sure he'll do some other stuff too... Going out to eat / drink, I'm sure he'd see some sights etc.

We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and will have just moved into our new house when he goes. I'm dreading it because my 2 year old is ridiculously hard. She's very challenging, is under a neurologist, can't be left with anyone, has a lot of issues... and spending all day every day with her is entirely draining. My five year old is amazing, but obviously, still a normal five year old!

He's just told our mutual friend in front of me that he's looking forward to Alcatraz and a few other things, because he'll have a couple of extra days there, of course.

It probably makes me a complete bitch, but I am so pissed off. It's going to be hard enough not getting a break for a week straight, in a new house where I'm sure that sleep etc is going to be disrupted while they get used to it, without him tacking on a few days of fun.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Or would you be annoyed too?

(Dons hard hat )

Of course you're not being unreasonable or a 'bitch' - and that's from someone who works FT and has often had work trips abroad. I wouldn't dream of spending extra time away and leaving dh and kids any longer than I had to or take the piss by going sight seeing.

He will have time to eat, drink, be merry and sight see without tagging on extra days.

Moving house with two very young children and a dog is beyond stressful and it's astonishing he can't see that.

Tell him to cancel get his arse home as soon as his work stuff is done out there or he can fuck off.

Ps my dc are all teens now. Some posters might have forgotten what it's like to have very young kids, I kind of do sometimes but I can drag myself back and shudder! x

I've travelled a lot for work and extra 'fun' days are actually a good way of acclimatising and getting over jet lag - SF is an 8 hour time difference, so having a couple of days to get over that is pretty sensible so he'll be at his best for work. There are also massive cost economies to be had with flights if you come back on certain days - often much cheaper than an extra night in a hotel so he may not have had much choice if his company's booked the flights, I didn't.

Although I sympathise, it might be good for you in some ways- sometimes the reliance on partners here baffles me- how do you think single parents manage? It is a good feeling to know you've managed by yourself for a few days and you will have bonus points for months afterwards when you need a break you will be fine, don't worry.

you say that you don't want your own trip away - fair enough, can you use the money you would have spent on a trip of yourself on a nanny/mother help/housekeeper for the week he is away, someone to help with the kids or walk the dog?

for yourself, not of yourself

Sometimes the reliance on partners here baffles me

Why is that? I chose to have DC as part of a partnership. It has always been taken as read that we share their care equally. I certainly didn't get married and have DC so that a man could carry on the single life whilst I raised his offspring. I'm sure the OP didn't, either.

Who wants twee little 'bonus points' (hideous term - is she six?). I'd rather the actual support and presence of a decent husband, thanks.

YANBU. These extra fun days were not discussed as should be in a partnership, they were sprung on the OP as a decision made. The OP will get no break from dealing with a toddler with complex needs, throw into the mix an unwalked dog, another child and a house move. Right now the DH priorities should be his family but its not its fucking Alcatraz.

I travel for work fairly regularly, often to interesting places which I'd love to explore. I have never tacked on extra days - I'm well aware that leaving DH with DC means that he struggles to get a break and so I wouldn't think it fair to extend my trips just so I could sightsee!

And that's before you factor in the housemove. I don't think you're being remotely selfish to say he shouldn't stay longer than necessary.

The flight to and from San Francisco is a bit of a killer and it is a work trip.

It's a bit unclear how many extra days the DH is staying - if it's one or two then whilst I know I'd feel like the OP if I were in her position, then I don't actually think it's that dreadful bearing in mind the long flights.

I do agree that the DH should have discussed it with OP before going ahead, but suspect he didn't because he would have got the stonewall attitude about it and again I'm not saying that the OP is wrong to be anti him having a couple of extra days, but it does sound as if life is hard work for both of them.

It will be hard so I agree with dangerousmouse start thinking about what you can do to make things easier. Kennels for the dog or at the very least a dog walker? Booking in a cleaner for a few hours and/or extra activities for the 5 year old. Put an online shop order in advance. Just park anything house related that you can't managed and only do the absolute necessities.

I travel for work and if I'm going as far as SF, I certainly take a couple of extra days to do some shopping see the sights.
And no, if I travel for some meeting with dozens or hundreds of other people present, they really won't postpone it because I'm moving house.
So from that perspective, he's not U - but he should have discussed the plans first and shouldn't just announce them.

OP I get it, DH has always had a job that includes travel just last month he was in the US, went on a Monday for a Tues-Thurs conference and came back on the Sunday evening as he fancied a day of shopping and if he stays a Saturday his flight is much cheaper so he won't use as much of his budget and will be able to go on other trips! However it is now not an issue for me as our DC are teenagers and I have worked my system out for these events.

When they were small it was so hard, and I had support. I also worked so did get child free time, not sure if that is a fair trade off but I don't think I would have coped so well as a SAHP with 24/7 care.

I just don't think that most men get it, I am always thinking about how my actions will impact on my DC.When they were little I had to think really hard when I was asked to attend a work event outside my normal childcare hours, who would have the DC, what activities would they miss, would the lunches get done and the uniform be ready. Even though these were tasks we usually shared between us. All DH would ever do is casually mention that he would be away on xxxday and assume that I would pick up the pieces.

YANBU as I don't think your DH has thought about the consequences, and I would be questioning whether he really had to stay for the add on days or not.

In fairness I think most people have a child expecting to be in a partnership! Life throws people a funny hand sometimes though. I really think threads like this would irk me if my partner worked abroad for months (military etc) or If I was a single parent. I do sympathise but I do think she needs to think logically- e.g dog walkers, childcare - and just get on with it. Many many others do on a daily basis. And get a life on the bonus points phrasing, DC, DH makes me wince somewhat but it's just terminology- you know what I am trying to say.

YANBU to expect him to at least appreciate what he's asking and be working with you to figure out how he can make it easier for you.

I don't travel away much - maybe once or twice at most in a year since DS was born. DP has had a couple of planned trips abroad that have then been cancelled so hasn't actually gone away. But for both we've discussed it & been aware what we're asking.

I travel for work and it never occurs to me to tack on days for fun, particularly without consulting my DH. Perhaps I should. I think he would be understandably upset and DD misses me.

If the extra days mean he will be flying back on Sunday instead of Friday night, it might be company policy. Flights to the US tend to be about 300% more pricy if you don't stay over a Saturday. My company used to insist on this: It wasn't a jolly. And if that's the case, should he spend Saturday sitting in his hotel room watching tv? Or wandering about? I guess I'm saying: is it his choice to extend the trip?

That said, YANBU for wanting help at home and feeling it's unfair. Hope you get a break somehow.

It is a partnership though, it sounds like hes the only earner so is financing the OP and the children as well as himself. In return, the person at home provides the day to day parenting and takes care of the house.

Is he never to do anything fun other than work?

Women are always encouraged on here to take time out so why is a man doing the same selfish?

Autumn - but if he has a career that involves so much travel, how is she able to do the same? Why not both have more home-based careers so it's a bit more even? Surely that's a consideration when you have children?

As an expat, I have seen so many marriages break down as the DH continues to travel, despite having relocated the family in the first place, and the DW is left with the dross, the day to day childcare, life management and so on. She also often can't have her own career because of all the traveling the DH does, supposedly to keep the family afloat. What people forget is that taking one of these jobs is a choice. I'd question why someone wouldn't want to spend time with their family!

furiousfate It doesn't say anywhere that the DH travels regularly - I got the impression it was a rare occurrence hence the enthusiastic sight seeing provisions and tacking on the extra day. Nor has the OP made any reference to how hands on he is normally with regard to childcare or household, from that I'd infer that he's probably ok or she'd have mentioned it.

I do agree with you through that there is a certain type of person that enjoys travelling with work, however even those of us who don't want to have to do it from time to time or lose our jobs and sometimes extended travel creeps up on you.

It is totally irrelevant that some people don't have partners. She does have one and he is as responsible for their children as she is

In real life I literally never meet people whose partners treat them with such disregard. Yet on mumsnet women are told to just collevt some bollocks brownie points and let the man ignore their needs and the needs of the family for their own selfish reasons .

I would be pee'd off about the lack of discussion but I think I would be OK with the extra few days. These abroad work trips seem glamorous but they are really hard work and tiring. A couple of extra days on the agreement that he helps lots before and after would be fine with me.

The timing is a bit rubbish but I'm guessing he didn't deliberately organise this trip to be at this time. It's just bad timing. My dh goes away for 10 days every year for a work/jolly thing. One the year my dd was born she was only a few weeks old when he went, last year we had just moved into our new house. Sometimes life doesn't go the way we planned.

I can see this from both sides. Both DH and I travel with work (despite the comments above that suggest it is impossible!) I've regularly travelled to SF on business, and like others have said, there is a massive price difference in flights if you fly over a Saturday night. Also, the overnight flights to the UK tend to fly late afternoon on the Sun, so yes you can fit in 1.5 days sightseeing without taking holiday, plus my company give lieu days for staying over a weekend. My company insists on staying the Saturday night to reduce the flight price.
On the other hand my DH flew to Japan for 3 weeks recently, which was tough going with my 2 and 5 year olds, doing school and nursery runs etc. But, he booked some sight seeing before he left, and went to some nice restaurants while he was was there. And I just thought, well, why not, when he has that opportunity. I think you are over reacting tbh.

My dh travels all over the world with work too. I often forget that travelling is actually really hard work, and living in a hotel might sound glamorous but it really isn't. Travelling often results in dh working silly hours etc.

He also goes to places that he's unlikely to return to as a tourist.

As such I never say that he can't add days on to go on safari or to Japanese disney land. We don't have a relationship where we say the other can't do stuff - I would feel.like his parent. But I never begrudge him it either.

I think the fact that your DH is being sent there for work is actually a red herring. The work trip may be awkward but unavoidable and so that is a separate issue. The real question is surely: "Is it reasonable for him to spend a few days sightseeing in SF at the precise time that you are moving house, knowing that that will make your life much more difficult and will require you to pick up:

1. his half of the house move related tasks; and

1. his share of the usual post-work domestic/parenting responsibilities?"

I would really like to have a few days sightseeing in SF. Hell, so would lots of us, I'm sure. I can't imagine that many of us would unilaterally announce that we were taking ourselves off on holiday the week that our family was moving house, knowing that our OHs would experience significant difficulties as a result. Seriously? He needs to grow up.

I also appreciate that it is sometimes easy to forget as the kids get older/a bit more independent just how hard it is to be on your own when they are very little. Now DD is a toddler we are fine when DH is away, but when she was tiny it was very, very different. If it makes you feel better, I once remember driving to Heathrow at 6am, walking past his pre-booked work taxi driver to the arrivals gate to hand over baby DD as he stepped through the gate. I laugh at my own absurdity now but after a week of particularly bad sleep deprivation it seemed more than sensible!

whatatotalmess - thanks for your post! That's how I feel.. !! There are days when DD2 is particularly bad that I've wanted to just burst into tears, hit her back or just run away but I hold it together until DH gets in when I can escape and let him deal with bedtime while I sit in my room or have a bath for 20 minutes. To think I'm going to not have that potential escape for 10 days or more feels terrifying!

And I can't stop thinking of things like new neighbours who won't be used to her screaming, and might complain, and her being even worse because of a new room and a new house. I've started a thread of ways to settle them (but mainly her!) into a new house because I'm seeing an entirety of sleepless nights for me on this trip...