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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you need your own family

58 replies

overthewalk · 16/03/2016 17:21

Friends are nice but don't care for you like a family because they prioritise their own family. So AIBU to think if you don't have a family realistically you'll have a lonely old age?

OP posts:
curren · 16/03/2016 17:23

Yabu.

Some families are shit. Friends can be far better.

I don't like my brother and will likely not speak to him, when my mum and dad die.

On the other hand I have some amazing friends who are like my brother and sisters.

EatShitDerek · 16/03/2016 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boredofusername · 16/03/2016 17:24

Possibly. But maybe you'll have younger friends who don't have elderly relatives so would like you to be a surrogate grandparent to their dcs and will be happy to help you out?

curren · 16/03/2016 17:24

And I certainly didn't have kids so they could care for me.

They could end up moving to the other side of the world. That's a rubbish plan.

FrozenPonds · 16/03/2016 17:26

I don't know.

I personally do prioritise family over friends, bit that probably isn't true of everyone.

I think it stems from the fact that I don't actually have any close friends.

Plenty of people with children of their own are lonely. You are either sociable, or not.

Meow75 · 16/03/2016 17:26

My brother, and only sibling, sexually abused me when I was 8 or 9.

What do you propose, because my instinct is to remain non contact, as I was able to do in 2010.

I don't have children but have been married nearly 18 years, and we don't have a lot of friends, I know they will always treat me better than my brother has.

Twitterqueen · 16/03/2016 17:26

YABU I value my friends enormously - they will be with me in my old age. My family will continue to be a 'meet-up-once-or-twice-a-year' relationship (except for my DCs hopefully, who will dutifully visit me with their offspring).

A few of my friends and I are going to buy a large house - maybe 6 or 7 bedrooms,, employ full-time staff to look after us and soak in gin every night shouting at the TV!

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 17:28

Family isn't just your parents and siblings, it's also your husband/life partner and children of your own. Realistically your friends don't need you to be a surrogate granny or auntie if their kids already have granny or auntie.

OP posts:
Europeshoe1 · 16/03/2016 17:29

Yabu

A lot of families are shit

Blood is not thicker than water

ctjoy103 · 16/03/2016 17:30

Some friends are like family, at least you can choose your friends Smile

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 16/03/2016 17:30

Yabu but I get where you're coming from. I think you need friends who have the same attitude to family as you, or to make peace with them putting family first. Or for them to include you with their family stuff.

I totally understand the feeling of nobody ever putting you first even though you put them first. And I think you've had harsh responses on here.

Frika · 16/03/2016 17:31

Honestly, OP, read the 'Stately Homes' thread on here if you fancy an insight into the reality of not a few family dynamics.

I'm very fond of my family, but I live in a different country to my parents, and my siblings are scattered across the world. My friends are far more 'important' on a day to day basis, even though we're also pretty scattered.

What is it that you feel your friends are prioritizing their families over you about?

And by 'family', do you mean 'children'?

Having children as an insurance policy against potential friendlessness in old age is a pretty odd idea. I'd be horrified if my son felt he had to hover about in the UK because I might be lonely. I certainly didn't have him to prevent loneliness in later life.

curren · 16/03/2016 17:32

Family isn't just your parents and siblings, it's also your husband/life partner and children of your own.

marriages can split up, children can move, children may not ba able to care for you because of their jobs and own children.

Being family isn't a guarantee someone will be there for you.

For some people friends are more important than family

Crispbutty · 16/03/2016 17:33

considering my parents are dead and I was an only child, and I cant have kids, Im doomed really... Hmm

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 17:34

NotMe, thanks. It's tricky as I can see it can work if you have friends who don't have families of their own but if they do I think my points stands, and I wasn't posting about how awful families are either, as the result is the same.

OP posts:
jollyjapes · 16/03/2016 17:39

Bit of a sweeping statement there OP!

Frika · 16/03/2016 17:43

OP, what kind of situation are you talking about? What kind of prioritising are we talking about here? Are you the childfree person wishing your friends would prioritise you?

jollyjapes · 16/03/2016 17:49

Perhaps you could say...

If you have a wonderful supportive family, who live long and stay close, you may be less lonely in old age than someone with no fulfilling friendships. Or you may not.

sparechange · 16/03/2016 17:53

I have a family 2.0
Partly because I live in a city where most of my friends are in a different part of the country or even a different country to their biological family
Partly because I have an utterly dysfunctional family myself and appear to have gravitated towards similar people.
We spend birthdays and Christmases together. We baby sit for each other, we look after pets, look after ill people, are there for good times and bad
We might not share DNA but we share a lot of love for each other.
Like any family, there are different branches and it isn't a group of 20 BFFs, but they do everything a family would or should do
There are also several gay couples and singles who don't and won't have children, and they aren't worried about being lonely in old age any more than the rest of us

I went to the funeral last week of an aunt who never married or had children, yet was taken out for lunch on Mother's Day every year and had a church full of people to say goodbye.

It is really odd that you think that only biologically related people can care for each other

Milzilla · 16/03/2016 17:55

As someone who is struggling to have children, it is a bit of a fear that I'll end up in a nursing home in my dotage with noone to visit.

But as many pp's have said, having children doesn't guarantee company in old age.

squoosh · 16/03/2016 17:55

A lot of lonely older people are parents with living children.

BoboChic · 16/03/2016 17:56

It's definitely a plus. Both my parents have died in the past year - my mother last April, my father three weeks ago - and having lots of aunts and uncles and cousins around has been a wonderful help.

Lisad1975 · 16/03/2016 17:57

No no no

Maddaddam · 16/03/2016 18:03

I tend to rely on friends more than family, and have hopes of a lot of time for friendship in old age.
I might set up an old people's commune. We can play scrabble and drink gin and share lifts to the shops and GP.
But I have a poor relationship with my own parents, so I'm not used to intergenerational support. I've always found friends easier than family.

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 18:04

you think only biologically related people can care for each other

No, I don't, otherwise I wouldn't have included husbands and partners in my explanation :) but I do think the answer to loneliness is often to 'make friends' but although they are lovely they don't put you first as a family would.

OP posts:
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