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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you need your own family

58 replies

overthewalk · 16/03/2016 17:21

Friends are nice but don't care for you like a family because they prioritise their own family. So AIBU to think if you don't have a family realistically you'll have a lonely old age?

OP posts:
ThornyBird · 16/03/2016 18:14

But you are making the assumption that families always put each other above their friends. That isn't always the case - not necessarily because of terrible fall outs etc but circumstance.

We live 400 miles from my mum and 200 miles from mil. Neither can pop down to look after the DC if there is problem etc. We have to rely on friends we've made and in some ways are closer to friends than our siblings (including dh in this) because they are more involved in our day to day lives.

But then I came from a family with no aunts or uncles and therefore no cousins so our extended family growing up was made from friends and neighbours we 'adopted'.

Busybuzzybumblebee · 16/03/2016 18:18

I think it depends on the stage of life you're at. When you kids are young then obviously you prioritise them, however as they grow up and have families of their own then your friendships become more central to your life.

Piemernator · 16/03/2016 18:20

You are blissfully naive op.

I assume you have quite a functioning family and even if people do all kinds of things can happen.

Situations in last couple of years in our extended family.

DS great uncle died alone at home because his only DS had retired to Spain and he saw him about once or twice a year.

Great niece has moved to London for work leaving her Mother and Grandmother feeling quite bereft.

I refuse to see my utterly evil SIL.

We moved for work and live almost 300 miles from my relatives and at least 200 miles from DH closest relative.

My older Brother emigrated to the US 20 odd years ago as he studied there and was offered a fantastic job opportunity.

If you have a functioning family that choose to all live close together then I suppose that will work for some but it limits opportunities.

TwigTheWonderKid · 16/03/2016 18:27

My MIL has a friend whom she met at work many years ago. Her husband died when she was relatively young and she has no children and no nieces or nephews. She has dementia. My MIL visits her almost daily as does another lady and her daughter who have been family friends for many years. They all have family of their own, but despite this, they treat her like a member of their own family. Conversely, I know two elderly people who have families who live close by who never come to visit them.

So YABU

Perhaps you are confusing friends with acquaintances?

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 18:28

My friends would always put their own husbands and kids first I think that's normal.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 16/03/2016 18:37

YABVU.

You need people who will be there for you and support you. It doesn't matter whether they're related to you or married to you or whether you met them at the pub, surely? Confused

TeaOnEverest · 16/03/2016 18:39

I think I understand what you are getting at. Is it not so much "friends and family" as having someone who prioritises you above anybody else?

Crispbutty · 16/03/2016 19:50

My mums best friends had one son. They are in their 70's now, they havent seen or spoke to him for at least ten years. His choice not theirs. They have no other living relatives.

Milzilla · 16/03/2016 19:58

That's sad crisp

Iggypoppie · 16/03/2016 20:10

I don't see why it has to be an either/or scenario?

silkyoreilly · 16/03/2016 20:14

Not to be the voice of doom, but the reality is you don't know who you can really trust, family or friends, so it doesn't make much difference. Blood makes no difference.

HPsauciness · 16/03/2016 20:18

When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I had an extremely close and extensive network of good friends, I imagined us being friends for ever. One or two have remained really good friends and I am in touch with most of them, but I have been surprised just how much maintaining those friendships slide down most of their priorities once they had their own families/partners. I get everyone's busy, I'm busy too- but I honestly think some of those 'forever' friends would never call me again if I didn't call them.

I have a couple of friends I can rely on no matter what, and a few who are really good friends in the moment, but it did give me a wake-up call for taking that kind of friendship network for granted. I am not sure close family are 'better' but we do seem to be more consistent over time.

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 20:47

I have a friend I am really close to, have been since school.

She has mum and dad, partner and daughter, and sister. Plus her partners family of course.

Now I do have other friends but they all have similar set ups of partners, parents, siblings and children.

So it does leave you down in the pecking order.

I know some families are rubbish but then it's the same result anyway.

OP posts:
Mousefinkle · 16/03/2016 21:00

Yabu. Just because you're related to somebody it doesn't automatically mean you have some undying love towards them or even get along with them at all. Blood means nothing IMO. Nothing. I don't respect or love anyone anymore because we share some of the same genes.

I don't even know the majority of my family and the ones I do know I see and speak to very little. I mean I see my mum often but we only get along to a polite small talk sort of level. She's not the sort of mother I'd tell my darkest secrets to or confide in at all TBH. Now my best friend on the other hand is an utter godsend. We've been inseparable since we were ten years of age, absolutely adore him. He's my family. We're properly there for each other and it's better because we CHOSE each other, we weren't bound together by genetics.

I have three DC too and I sincerely hope they're there for me when I'm on my death bed but shit happens. A lot of people's kids move away/ don't see them much/ aren't as close the older they get. It's sad but that's life.

chipsandpeas · 16/03/2016 21:10

YABU
apart from my mum who is amazing, the rest of my so called family on both sides are arseholes who i havent seen in years, the old adage is true you can pick your friends but not your family are true
i dont see why i should automatically love or like someone cause we are related

id rather have close friends than family least in my case i know i can rely on friends

LifeofI · 16/03/2016 21:16

yabu, not everyone has a good family and have better friends.

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 21:16

I haven't said that, just that it's lonely without them and that's true if they are arseholes and if they are dead, whatever.

Maybe it's just sad knowing no one will ever love you.

OP posts:
sparechange · 16/03/2016 21:26

Ah it's one of those threads where because the OP can't directly relate to a different situation, it de facto doesn't exist.

OP, it is possible to be close enough to some friends that they will drop everything and run when you need them, just like a family member does.
Just because you don't have any friends who would do this for you, and prioritise you alongside other commitments they have, doesn't mean they don't exist

Just because you can't imagine a situation when someone isn't climbing the walls with loneliness if they don't have their adult children with them 24/7 doesn't mean that others will, or won't be able to cope

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 21:28

I wouldn't say so spare change, I am pleased for you, it's just it's not the case in my experience but I'm not arguing with you.

OP posts:
Iggypoppie · 16/03/2016 21:30

over sorry you feel that way Flowers

Not being facetious but have you ever experienced the unconditional love of a dog? That is the only one you can really trust IMHO!

Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 21:31

Dogs are cool :)

OP posts:
Original poster
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 21:32

And, it's really hard to explain what I mean. I don't want anyone to feel I'm attacking them. I just find friends have their own families, which is fine if YOU also have your own family and I don't ... And I know I'm being a bit pathetic but I would just like to know someone loved me. Ok that is pathetic :)

OP posts:
Vastra · 16/03/2016 21:42

over are you, in a roundabout way, trying to express your worst fear? Early in the thread it came across as somewhat goady, but later on more as a genuine fear. You have typed out my worst fear. My friends are all in families now. In our twenties it was different. As we enter our forties, I am the odd one out.
maddaddam may I join your commune please? I am okay at scrabble.

MsMermaid · 16/03/2016 21:43

My family are scattered all over the country/world. My grandma died a couple of years ago, she had 5 children, she was still pretty lonely in her old age. That's not because we didn't want to visit, but practically and financially, most of us couldn't visit more than once a year. The one child who lived near her also had a full time(plus!) job, 2children and an equally lonely mil. She tried her best but she just didn't have time to visit every day.

Grandma was lucky, she had friends. She saw at least one friend every single day, up til the last few weeks when she became too Ill. She always told us not to rely on family for old age, because while your children will always love you they have their own lives to lead and won't have as much time to spend with you as you want/need. She was a member of the WI, scrabble club, gardening club, she met friends for lunch or coffee. That's how I want to be as I age (although I'll probably still be working til I'm 80)

Iggypoppie · 16/03/2016 21:45

over it's not pathetic at all. Everyone needs to love and to feel loved. Don't be ashamed in any way. Lots of people feel the same way you do, it's just not spoken about.

We've gone from living in communities to (at best) nuclear-type families. Nuclear families are too small to be resilient to shocks. Lots of people will be lonely in there lives at certain points. If you feel lonely then try and show love and eventually it will come back to you. But don't spend too much time with people who don't appreciate you.