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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you need your own family

58 replies

overthewalk · 16/03/2016 17:21

Friends are nice but don't care for you like a family because they prioritise their own family. So AIBU to think if you don't have a family realistically you'll have a lonely old age?

OP posts:
overthewalk · 16/03/2016 21:46

Gosh not goady! I'm just very isolated and fear it won't change, well I don't think it will change actually but that's not really the point.

At the moment I have an injury serious enough to be really impacting on my qualify of life, there are things I physically can't do and no one to do them for me. I love my friends but I can't really ask them to sacrifice their weekends with their own mums and dads, in laws, husbands and children and THEIR other friends to help me with something annoying but non essential so I'm just having to leave lots of stuff. I also can't drive because of my injury and I know I could have asked my family to help out in that respect but friends are just too busy.

OP posts:
murphyslaws · 16/03/2016 21:50

Sorry disagree. None of friends have been as disgustingly awful as my family have.

Husbands and partners become family only after a friendship is built up.

Iggypoppie · 16/03/2016 21:51

over that sounds like a shitty situation but sadly not unique. Hope you get better soon

Vastra · 16/03/2016 21:59

over I thought not, but perhaps badly expressed how I felt. Sorry. I am isolated too, but have done a bad job myself of making it worse. I'm sorry about your injury. Read and re-read what Iggy said, she speaks very well in her post. I am in therapy and that helps. Is that an option for you? It is tremendously difficult to ask for help, especially while recognising that people have their own stuff going on. Being unselfish enough to see that is a good quality, but it's easy to let yourself fall down the cracks while doing so.

Piemernator · 16/03/2016 23:19

My friend had an op last week and I spent an afternoon with her and I'm also taking a friend to hospital on Friday as she doesn't drive.

My neighbour is a single woman and we have a cuppa together occasionally. I told her she should call round more but she said she didn't want to intrude as I have a DH and DC.

Its not as if you are asking your friends to move in with you and nurse you for weeks.

Why not ask each friend to nip over for an hour if possible. Either your hang ups are getting the better of you, your friends are genuinely bogged down or they are crap.

overthewalk · 17/03/2016 06:41

Of course you can ask the odd favour like that but realistically I'm going to be like this a long time,and I do wish I had someone I could rely on.

OP posts:
Milzilla · 17/03/2016 07:35

Over I'd like to give you a hug xx You sound like you're having a tough time.

Perhaps when your injury heals you could start to slowly build the life you'd like. Therapy could help. Making an effort in existing friendships and towards new ones. Finding a relationship.

None of these things are easy but you can do it if you'd like to.

HPsauciness · 17/03/2016 07:41

I think the person said that nuclear families aren't really big enough to withstand shocks is spot on. I have definitely needed more care and support from my family in the past few years, and luckily they have been there to do it. I have lovely friends, who will call up on the phone, and send me little presents and stuff like that, but fundamentally their life stage is that of being parents to small children and/or building careers, and neither of those is compatible with calling round every day to see if you need anything from the shops, or helping you put your shopping away. I am lucky as I have family willing and fit enough to help with tasks (and now retired although this wasn't the case initially), and to come at short notice- but that is partly luck, it 's also partly because I've chosen to stay near to my parents, and not seek promotion elsewhere (which is how you get promoted in my field) precisely so I can be near them.

I don't think it's about whether family or friends are 'better'- there are some truly nasty parents, but there are also some quite neglectful friends and vice versa, lovely ones of both, but in most cases it comes down to people' s time and capability- if they are 1000's of miles away from you or even 50 miles away, they can't help with daily tasks, and that's not a function of their relationship with you.

It sounds like you don't like asking for help, but your friends may not mind at all- weekends are not just for 'families' but doing all kinds of activities in my book, and we often look after kids, drive someone somewhere or fix someone else's computer on the weekend. If they said to ask for help, then do so- and you will see from their response if they genuinely are happy to do so.

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