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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick up oh mess anymore

65 replies

Moomoomango · 10/03/2016 08:09

My oh is very lazy and messy. I think this stems from his mother who still used to clean his flat and do his laundry when he lived on his own. We have been living together for 5 years and I am tired of picking up after him. I'm a tidy person by nature but find keeping the house tidy really difficult cleaning up after two small children and my hubby. I've tried to approach him and ask him to take empty crisp packets in the bin when he's finished, put letters away and not just leave them lying around and to put his clothes in the wash basket. I really don't want to sound like a nag so now I've given up and decided the only way to get him to pick up is to not do it for him. So today I picked up his pants and clothes from the lounge floor, hoovered and then put them straight back on the floor. I know this seems really petty - but I don't know how to do it without being a nag. Aibu to be spiteful in putting his mess back even after I've hoovered? Is it petty and immature?

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 10/03/2016 08:13

Pick them up and put them in the bin if they aren't in the washing basket put his post in the bin if he leaves it around, or if that's too extreme a black bin bag and put that out in the shed or similar. He will soon run out of pants etc and ask where they are

Oysterbabe · 10/03/2016 08:15

Thing is he'll just leave them there forever as the mess doesn't bother him. I know because I'm like him Blush

fluffypenguinbelly · 10/03/2016 08:16

The only person you will have any impact on by doing this is yourself. He clearly doesn't mind/notice that they are there so it won't even register that you have hoovered under them.

My new system in my house is a large plastic box. I walk around the house filling it with any mess from DH. It then gets left next to his side of the bed in the way. This seems to mostly work so far.

Jibberjabberjooo · 10/03/2016 08:16

Well you're just an extension of his mother and that's how he sees you.

fluffypenguinbelly · 10/03/2016 08:18

He also has a drawer in the sideboard which I put all paper and small bits in.

"Where's my..." Is always met with check the box or the drawer.

Original poster
Moomoomango · 10/03/2016 08:19

What about things like crisp packets, half drunk cups of tea etc? Should I put his old yogurt pots in his box to prove a point?

OP posts:
fluffypenguinbelly · 10/03/2016 08:21

TBF my DH is just messy with clutter not food waste. I would be tempted to put things like crisp packets in there I think. Maybe not things that will go mouldy and smell.

whois · 10/03/2016 08:21

Plastic box is a good idea. Clothes, papers, misc items, rubbish if you're that way inclined can all get put in his plastic box which can live on the floor on his side of the bed or in the bottom of his wardrobe.

DP puts things I leave lying around (letters, small items, clothes) into a drawer. At least I know where to look and he doesn't have to get stressed out with a pile of untidy letters on the kitchen table.

TheHoneyBadger · 10/03/2016 08:22

of course it's nbu. my son is 9 and wouldn't dream of leaving his pants on the living room floor because he already knows that would be utterly taking the piss out of me.

if you've put up with this for 5 years though and as a grown man he's ok with leaving his dirty pants in a shared living space then i doubt you're going to get far.

whois · 10/03/2016 08:23

Fiod waste and half drunk cups of tea is a bit harder. Depends if you want to go confrontational or not - you could start piling the food waste and half empty cups on his bedside table maybe.

TheCrimsonPleb · 10/03/2016 08:31

YANBU or spiteful. He is being lazy and inconsiderate.

I don't wash anything that isn't put in the laundry basket. In the past this meant DH often found himself without pants, socks, shirts etc. A few weeks of that and the penny dropped. Now he does all his own laundry.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 10/03/2016 08:33

Four tubs: one for clothing, throw it all in whether wet, dry or clean if on floordrobe his problem
Second one: for random shit eg his chargers etc whatever is left on floor, bed, clean empty surfaces
Third one: for all the clutter detritus that will fester ie trash, yoghurt pots etc His to dispose of, recycle, throw out/clean receptacle
Fourth one: his dirty cups, plates etc if going mouldy put into box 3 but do not let him have our clean ones

This is if you are trying to make the point how much it builds up
Dump the 4 boxes outside the spare room if you have one, that's where he will be til he shapes up
He does own washing and dishes if you can limit access to yours, so much the better
He sorts out the four boxes before bedtime
Do not go on strike officially in the whole house: it will not work, it will become a cluttered, dirty shit tip very fast, you will be depressed looking at it, he will be oblivious, he won't care, you will rightfully resent the prick, you and DC will suffer

Starspread · 10/03/2016 08:33

The plastic box thing is a good solution, as long as you're willing to get stuck with them: we have an entire box shelving unit, plus assorted boxes and bags tucked away in the bedroom or DP's office, that are full of Misc Crap. He'll sort and chuck most of them if we move house, probably, but otherwise they sit there ignored once he's fished out what he uses regularly. Be prepared! :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/03/2016 08:34

"I've tried to approach him and ask him to take empty crisp packets in the bin when he's finished, put letters away and not just leave them lying around and to put his clothes in the wash basket."
That sounds very unassertive. Sorry, but I don't think he'll pay attention to that. Get a box and state firmly "I am not your skivvy and I'm fed up with your disrespectful treatment of me and our shared home. From now on if you leave anything lying around I will be chucking it in this box and you can deal with it yourself." Do NOT sound apologetic or pleading. A calm statement of facts. And then whenever he whines asks where something is, respond 'have you looked in the box?'.

Unfortunately you have accepted this behaviour for five years and he has built up quite the habit. He will not change overnight, and he's likely to kick against it and try to make you feel unreasonable. Stay calm, point out that he is an adult who needs to take responsibility for himself, and as a parent he needs to model good behaviour to his children. Good luck.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2016 08:43

Stuff left around into a plastic bag in the shed. Food / cups etc on his pillow

Bunbaker · 10/03/2016 08:43

Stop buying crisps. Get a box and put all his shit in it. The only one I would pick up is the half empty cup because they go mouldy. Either that or leave them next to his side of the bed.

Jibberjabberjooo · 10/03/2016 08:50

The four tubs idea is daft because you're still picking up after him and sorting out his stuff! It'll just sit there and eventually you'll run out of teaspoons.

You say you've approached him, in what sense? What was his response? Have you seriously told him to pick his shit up and that you're not his skivvy and how his complete lack of respect makes you feel?

Stop doing it for him. Dump the lot in a bin bag, clothes included.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 10/03/2016 08:57

But then her crockery and teaspoons are mixed up with his skidmarked undies and trash = boaky dishes that will never come out the binbag, trash that will stain the clothing and detritus that will fester and attract mice. You cannot throw it all in a bin bag unless it is a one-off dramatic statement of Here! Throne onto his side of the bed, in which case crockery and trash have to be excluded, surely?!

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 10/03/2016 08:58

Thrown, dammit!

MistressDeeCee · 10/03/2016 09:03

Re. putting his stuff in a box - tbh I think he'll just leave stuff in the box until it stinks. I don't think he is going to be washing the clothes either, is he? So its not a solution really. There has to be at least a chance of winning a battle of wills. I say this because its extreme - PANTS & clothes on floor in the lounge?! He's too far gone. Would he agree to go to Relate? Or will he argue with you if you stop doing his washing, dump his stuff in a bag/box etc? Someting needs to give - but when nasty slob behaviour is deeply engrained its a tough one. My mum waited on my brothers hand & foot whilst they were growing up - silly woman - but even they wouldn't leave pants & clothes, rubbish etc lying around for their partners to pick up

SloaneRanger88 · 10/03/2016 09:07

My dh is also a man child who expects me to take over from his mum. Any dirty washing left on the floor is put back into the wardrobe or drawer.

Gross but effective. The DC understand if clothes are not in the laundry basket I'm not going to wash them. It's taken dh a bit longer to cotton on.

Jibberjabberjooo · 10/03/2016 09:10

But how is the op spending her time sorting stuff out into four boxes the answer? He's just going to think 'great I know where all my chargers are'. Nothing will move from those boxes. He doesn't care enough. The op is still picking up after him. If he doesn't care about crisp packets he isn't going to care if they're in a box next to his bed either.

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 10/03/2016 09:12

I read a brilliant post from a MNer saying that she'd told her husband that every time he made a choice not to put his rubbish in the bin or pick up his dirty clothes or whatever he had to say out loud "Fuck you [wife's name], you do this" to bring home to him that this was essentially what he was doing. Being a decent sort who actually did respect his wife the dude got his shit together and stopped acting like a toddler, iirc. Maybe suggest this? Failing that, I like the idea of chucking it all into a bin bag and leaving it by his side of the bed

mamas12 · 10/03/2016 09:14

I had this, what I did was put his scummy pants in his briefcase and when he opened it at a meeting he got the point.
The box is a good idea and put it on his side of the bed or somewhere that wil inconvenience him
Does he have a car just chuck everything in there.
Too him what you are goi g to discuss and then do it.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 10/03/2016 09:16

"Get a box and state firmly "I am not your skivvy and I'm fed up with your disrespectful treatment of me and our shared home. From now on if you leave anything lying around I will be chucking it in this box and you can deal with it yourself."

^^ this. Although I reckon I'd get pissed off with the giant box o crap, and end up chucking it all in the bin!