To not pick up oh mess anymore

[Moomoomango]

My oh is very lazy and messy. I think this stems from his mother who still used to clean his flat and do his laundry when he lived on his own. We have been living together for 5 years and I am tired of picking up after him. I'm a tidy person by nature but find keeping the house tidy really difficult cleaning up after two small children and my hubby. I've tried to approach him and ask him to take empty crisp packets in the bin when he's finished, put letters away and not just leave them lying around and to put his clothes in the wash basket. I really don't want to sound like a nag so now I've given up and decided the only way to get him to pick up is to not do it for him. So today I picked up his pants and clothes from the lounge floor, hoovered and then put them straight back on the floor. I know this seems really petty - but I don't know how to do it without being a nag. Aibu to be spiteful in putting his mess back even after I've hoovered? Is it petty and immature?

Pick up each yoghurt pot, plate, cup, spoon etc end put it under the duvet on his side. I say this assuming you've spoken to him properly about this and not just moaned at him (I do thy then wonder why I'm not communicating well). For his clothes etc in a bin bag in a cupboard. He'll sharp learn that if he won't listen to a grown up conversation about it.

Magrats- I also use the under the duvet trick for all the dirty clothes on the bedroom floor

My DP is the same. I have a box in every room where I dump anything that's he's lived. Out of sight, out of mind.

I'd do one big box with yoghurt pots/crisp packets, clothes, crap - but not cutlery or tea cups as those are shared things.

Right by the side of the bed.

He will soon complain that his clothes are mixed up with yoghurt pots and you can say passive aggressively "Oh? You expected me to sort out your clothes from the stuff you leave lying around"?.

Do you have a dinner table? If so, pile the yoghurt pots, crisp packets and mugs where he sits.

Just dump clothes on the floor next to his side of the bed. If you put them in a box, he will just leave them there (I am naturally messy and would do that).

I have similar issues with my children. For example, last night I walked into the bathroom to find that the last toilet roll had been taken out of the plastic wrapper, wrapper left empty beside the toilet and toilet roll on top of the toilet, not in its holder, empty toilet roll still on holder. I got irritated as this always happens and put the empty wrapper in the middle of the floor where it could clearly be seen. This morning I went to the bathroom to find the empty wrapper pushed back behind the toilet.

I have tried shouting/asking nicely/going on strike for 2 weeks. The place just looked like a bomb site and I was the only person who really cared.

Desisions -- take all the TP and make them ask you for squares before they go. Explain that in a week you will return the roll to the loo to see if they are able to follow simple rules about it, if not then you go back to rationing it out.

There is a lot of truth in the idea that foreplay starts at the kitchen sink. I could not sleep with a man who treated our home or me with such contempt. I don't know what the answer is but if he has any respect for you he will reform. If not kick to the kerb.

Dh did this when we first married. I used to kick his dirty washing under the bed and ignore it. He got that message pretty quick. Then he'd leave tools about and we had a toddler, so I threw everything in a box, I'd add to it as the week went along and sit it in the garage, then he'd run about looking for tools. That fixed that mostly. Last bone of contention was piles of magazines. I told him to get them out of Ds's reach on the book shelves. Then I let Ds rip a few front pages off and mess with them, he got those out of the way quickly.
Every now and then I kick a few socks under the bed or his jeans onto the floor of the closet and he has to search for them.

Janecc

My XH used to take milk for his coffee to work in small glass jars, of which we had quite a number as they originally held cook-in sauces. He would bring said jars home periodically, sometimes with the contents so rank that they had actually separated and optimistically leave them on the draining board. There they would sit, waiting to be dealt with. As he was passionately attached to the TV, I would then arrange them tastefully around the TV where he couldn't miss seeing them. This actually worked, and he would wash them out.

I have to say this is practically the only time I ever got him to modify his behaviour, hence his now being my XH. I believe he switched to Coffee Mate in the end.

I throw away food waste (actual food - crisp packets don't count) but clean around everything else. My house is dusty & much less clean than I'd like. Nothing gets washed if it isn't put into the linen basket, even if I know he wants it clean for something.

There is a lot of truth in the idea that foreplay starts at the kitchen sink. I could not sleep with a man who treated our home or me with such contempt.

So true Pig. We haven't had sex for ages - he just doesn't do it for me

I have this with Dh. Who is wonderful in almost every way, but is so so messy. I did know this before living with him, but did not realise how much it would bother me.

This morning, I had to say "thank you so much for putting out a new tube of toothpaste, but why did you leave the empty tube and the box out, you did not even have to take a step to put them in the bin"...."thank you for brining the fabric stain remover spray downstairs, but why have you left it outside the laundry room instead of taking 3 more steps and putting it away?" I do feel like a nag, but it does drive me nuts. Pants on floor does not bother me so much.

I know he does not see this stuff. He thinks making a bed is a complete waste of time, as is drawing curtains. When he lived on his own, he never made the bed nor opened the curtains.

There's a great thread running in relationships called incompetent husband... sorry no idea how to do links.

1. It's totally unacceptable to expect you to pick up after him.it is entitled, selfish behaviour. Have a google of wife work.
2. If you are worried to raise the issue that is not OK. That is not healthy. That is a red flag and a warning sign that he may be controlling and ultimately abusive.
3. My exh was similar. I calculated I spent on an average day, an hour picking up after him. That doesn't include the general cleaning or running of a home or even childcare mainly all which fell to me, despite me working nearly full time. Over 8.5 years that is 3102 hours. In working week terms, if a working day is 7.5 hours, that is 413 weeks of my life . Just picking up after him.

Best of luck