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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pick up oh mess anymore

65 replies

Moomoomango · 10/03/2016 08:09

My oh is very lazy and messy. I think this stems from his mother who still used to clean his flat and do his laundry when he lived on his own. We have been living together for 5 years and I am tired of picking up after him. I'm a tidy person by nature but find keeping the house tidy really difficult cleaning up after two small children and my hubby. I've tried to approach him and ask him to take empty crisp packets in the bin when he's finished, put letters away and not just leave them lying around and to put his clothes in the wash basket. I really don't want to sound like a nag so now I've given up and decided the only way to get him to pick up is to not do it for him. So today I picked up his pants and clothes from the lounge floor, hoovered and then put them straight back on the floor. I know this seems really petty - but I don't know how to do it without being a nag. Aibu to be spiteful in putting his mess back even after I've hoovered? Is it petty and immature?

OP posts:

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 10/03/2016 09:17

I had a lodger like this - I took his stuff outside on the patio and put a match to it - he moved so fast it was hilarious!

expatinscotland · 10/03/2016 09:20

Dear god. Another one. WTF does anyone find attractive in a person who treats them like a domestic appliance and lives like swine?

dudsville · 10/03/2016 09:24

As I was reading this thread I was thinking about how if I as a tidy person knew in advance that the person I was falling in love with was like your oh, and knowing the levels of irritation it causes and feelings of being disrespected, I would walk away and look for someone else.

As you are in the relationship you now have to find ways of coping. My slightly messy oh has a room, a shed and a garage where he has free reign. The rest of the house is bound by my rules since I clean it. (He does the garden, we find this is a happy balance for us). If he leaves crap out I put it wherever I want it. Sometimes he tries to hide something from me. I find it, laugh, and hide it from him. It's all lighthearted now and the irritation is gone. Good luck finding your way to a happier agreement op!

FaithAscending · 10/03/2016 09:25

mamas that's hilarious!

My DH can be lazy, dirty washing just drops to the floor...I decided to stop picking up after him. Everything that dropped I kicked under his chair in the bedroom. It took 10 days before he ran out of clean pants and then suggested he needed to buy more I told him I'd washed everything in the washing basket and the penny finally dropped. He slips at times now but I just tell him we don't want another pant gate and he's kicked into touch!

specialsubject · 10/03/2016 11:24

Mr Skank. How nice.

assuming you want to continue living with this person, and appeals to reason don't work....one big box or bag, all his possessions go in it. Do none of his washing and stop cooking for him too. You may also wish to stop having sex with someone who doesn't respect you, but that is your call.

Original poster

Moomoomango · 10/03/2016 13:50

Thank you so much for your replies - I feel really empowered that I'm not the only person that wouldn't put up with this. My OH is a bit snappy and can be quite grumpy that's why I don't want to nag as I don't want any confrontation on this issue. I am just fed up with cleaning up people's mess all day every day. Im not very assertive because he quite often says I treat him like a child if I tell him to do something so I just have ended up not instructing him but asking nicely... But that's not really working either..

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 10/03/2016 14:02

My ex-h was like this. Note that I say 'ex'.

There's no doubt that I enabled his behaviour early on in our relationship but certainly, if you are living with a lazy, messy, entitled man, it'll take a lot to change them. Going on strike simply leaves you living in a shitpit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/03/2016 14:05

"he quite often says I treat him like a child if I tell him to do something"
In other words, 'Shut the fuck up, woman!'. If he's going to behave like a child, it rather triggers you to treat him like one, don't you think? An adult doesn't need to be told to behave like an adult.

I am not surprised that he has managed to make you feel as if you are in the wrong, backed into the corner or 'asking nicely'.

PovertyPain · 10/03/2016 14:18

My OH is a bit snappy and can be quite grumpy that's why I don't want to nag as I don't want any confrontation on this issue.

So basically he's a crafty fucker who uses this 'grumpy' behaviour to control you and how you behaved around him? Don't ask him such'n'such because it makes him grumpy. Don't tell him what to do in case he gets grumpy, etc. I think his messiness is the least of your problems. He sounds like a manipulative git.

Topseyt · 10/03/2016 14:24

I love mamas solution!!

Pure class.

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 10/03/2016 15:04

But... you are putting up with it.

And he blames you for getting frustrated when he treats you like a skivvy and makes you feel bad for it? So that you're scared to even bring something up? Yeah, if the box doesn't work then maybe just LTB

NickyEds · 10/03/2016 15:31

girlwithagruffalotatoo I read that thread! There was another poster who made her husband say "I'm just leaving this for "wife's name" to deal with". I started saying it to dp. A lot. So every coke can "DP! Are you just leaving this here for me to deal with", every pair of boxers on the floor "DP! Are you just leaving these here for me to deal with"...and so on. On the first day I said it 34 times. i couldn't give a shit if I came across as a nag. It worked. However my dp is a pretty decent sort and I don't think he realised quite how much crap he left lying around. TBH your oh sounds like a bit of an arsehole so I'd be going with everything in a binliner. Including crockery etc. If it gets manky it goes in the bin outside. Tell him you're going to do it so he has a chance to sort it out himself.

Starspread · 11/03/2016 09:23

I'm vegetarian and have always operated a strict rule of 'I don't mind if you cook meat but I'm not touching the cleaning up'. As a result of this, and me one day finally losing patience with a load of rancid meat-drippings left out, we lost a fairly expensive bit of kitchen kit because one day I bagged it up and put it in the bin. It's never happened since...

thefourgp · 11/03/2016 09:41

Girlwithagruffalotattoo I lmao at the thought of someone's husband having the cheek to say it out loud, I don't think my lazy but loveable husband would have the nerve. I like your suggestion nickyeds. I think I'll give it a try. X

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 11/03/2016 09:59

"Get a box and state firmly "I am not your skivvy and I'm fed up with your disrespectful treatment of me and our shared home. From now on if you leave anything lying around I will be chucking it in this box and you can deal with it yourself."
^ this.

I love the box by his bed idea. If it were me I'd chuck everything - clothes, crisp packets, yoghurt pots - in it except the half drunk cups of tea which I'd put on his bedside table. No sorting stuff out.

PlaydoughBarbershop · 12/03/2016 12:04

Moo I think we have the same DH! Sick to the back teeth of our house looking like a pigsty. He went away for a week last year and the house was immaculate with just me, a six year old and a 13 month old

FlowersAndShit · 12/03/2016 12:25

I had this, what I did was put his scummy pants in his briefcase and when he opened it at a meeting he got the point.

Excuse me while I die

mamas12 · 12/03/2016 16:50

Thanks flowers I laugh a lot about it now haha
He is my ex

AlisonWunderland · 12/03/2016 17:13

He complains that you treat him like a child?
Well surely only toddlers leave their pants and clothes in middle of living room floor.

RaspberryOverload · 12/03/2016 17:30

As you are in the relationship you now have to find ways of coping

You don't have to stay in a relationship where you're being treated like the skivvy.

He's treating you with disrespect by leaving his crap lying around for you to deal with. He's being Mr Grumpy and twisting it around to accuse you of being the bad guy so that you back down and deal with his crap.

Unless there's a serious consequence for him, he isn't going to change.

Why would he? Everything's being done for him.

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 12/03/2016 21:17

fourgp, that was the point. When he realised that every time HE MADE A CHOICE TO BE A LAZY FUCKER he was figuratively saying "fuck you wife", which he realised by her making him literally say it, he packed it in because he actually had some respect for her

notmyproblem · 12/03/2016 23:58

If you don't want confrontation over this, then you have two choices:

continue as you are, picking up after him
leave him

If he makes you feel like you aren't allowed to have a discussion that might turn into a confrontation because he gets grumpy and aggressive with you over it, then option 2 is probably better. Option 1 will just leave you a shell of a person eventually, a skivvy with no self-esteem, walking on eggshells and afraid to say anything to him out of fear of his reaction. Not a great role model for your DC either, girls will become like you and boys will become like him.

The people who have posted on here to say it works actually had a partner who though dim and clueless, actually deep down cared and respected them, so they were able to see how disrespectful they'd been to their partners and smarten up.

The people who posted to say nothing worked have pretty much said it was an ex.

See the pattern here?

Only you know which choice is best for you, but if you want the third choice of addressing and fixing the situation, it's going to involve some confrontation at some point and you're going to need to assert yourself and be prepared for the outcome.

TubbyTabby · 13/03/2016 02:38

had a prick of an ex like this.
one of the reasons he's an ex.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2016 04:54

Get yourself a pad of post-its and put one note on each item. Write 'the maid will take care of this' on each post-it. Or maybe write 'Call your mother to pick this up'. I like the idea of getting him to say 'Fuck you wife' every time he leaves something for you to deal with, so maybe you could write that on the post-its.

Don't pick up a single thing of his ever again. And as a pp^^ said, no laundry or cooking for him, or sex. There are consequences to behaving as if you are living with your mother.

(Love the scummy pants in the briefcase.)

Janecc · 13/03/2016 05:48

Love the briefcase idea. Sounds like shaming in some way do what about this?
What is he like about money? You could try pretending you are paying for a cleaner to do it for you. IE leaving it alone for a week then tidying up all in one go. How long did it take? You could also include your dusting/hoovering in this time because detritus was in the way and prevented you from doing this so you paid the "cleaner". Get a receipt book and asking a friend to fill it in for at least £10 an hour. Quote on the receipt "clearing, clearing and tidying up after Mr X, £X received with thanks." Stash the cash. Do this for a month then show him the receipts. Hopefully he will go ballistic and change his ways. Whatever happens, you will have some extra cash to buy yourself something nice and effectively pay yourself. Then if he doesn't mend his ways, next month, something nice for the kids perhaps. If he's that slovenly, he will never notice the scam. Sneaky to be sure but you would just be using tactics to diffuse his unreasonable behaviour.

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