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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's Cousin Sharing With Her Adult Uncle

53 replies

GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 13:18

Have namechanged for this - have been around for many a year though.

My DD's dad's (my XH) family are from overseas - they all used to live here until about 2 years ago when they all (except for DD's dad and grandmother) returned to their home country. There is currently talk about her eldest cousin coming back over to live with her grandma and uncle in their flat - she is currently 15.

I've been told in passing by DD that her cousin will be sharing bunk beds with her uncle (her grandma has medical problems so cannot share I believe) when she moves in. Now this doesn't sit right with me - a 15 year old girl sharing with a 35 year old man! Surely at 15 (mid-puberty) she would need her privacy at the very least. I'm struggling to find any form of law or guidance online to validate my concerns but I'm pretty sure i'm being reasonable with my worries?

Would appreciate your take on this and what I can do other than voice my concerns to XH and hope he takes them on board and acts accordingly (although I'm not quite sure what can be done considering the space limitations).

OP posts:
OzzieFem · 09/03/2016 14:01

Hell no! Are you sure this is not going to be an arranged marriage?

waffilyversati1e · 09/03/2016 14:04

well I wouldn't let that happen with my daughter but are you sure that your dd has it right?

NeedACleverNN · 09/03/2016 14:04

No I would not be happy with that..

macdat · 09/03/2016 14:11

Bunk beds as in him on top bunk her on bottom bunk, or actually sharing a bed? If bunk beds, while not ideal, some entire families have to share rooms sometimes. It happens. I went to school with a girl who lived with her aunt and uncle in a studio type flat, all 3 of them in one room. Her on one bed, aunt and uncle in another bed. She had no space of her own, but she was fine.

AdrenalineFudge · 09/03/2016 14:16

I don't understand your fears. A family needing to hunker down together because that's all that is available to them at the moment and you fear something more sinister might occur? Yabu

MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 14:17

Slightly different though macdat, with the aunt being there as well (still not good though). How dramatic are these medical problems that she can't share with her grandmother?!

Girl and uncle sharing a room - definitely not. One of them should sleep in the living room if that's the only other option.

MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 14:20

Given that is generally taken as unacceptable for teen siblings of different sexes to share, then it's hardly a leap to think people will regard a teenage girl sharing wit her adult uncle as wrong too adrenaline.

MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 14:20

With not wit

CaptainCrunch · 09/03/2016 14:26

It's not ideal but I think you're being really horrible suggesting something sexual will occur between them. It's not giving either of them any credit for being able to respect each others privacy and boundaries in a difficult situation.

Birdsgottafly · 09/03/2016 14:27

It's inappropriate and it doesn't happen in other cultures, there is always a divide according to sex.

People do share, as in the case of Aunt/Uncle/Neice, but only when there is a same sex 'chaperone'.

You can voice your concerns, but unless the family, or girl herself will speak out, then there's little action that could be taken.

Would they cover it up, so she can stay in the UK?

Original poster
GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 14:33

AdrenalineFudge you assume my main concern is my XH acting inappropriately with his niece, although I guess it's not outside of the realms of possibility, it's certainly not the primary concern as I think it's highly unlikely, knowing my XH.

Re the grandmother's health, she has to have a double bed to herself I understand (not a weight issue, more of a mobility thing I think).

I will of course be approaching this with XH in a "maybe DD got it wrong but ... etc." kind of way.

Not an arranged marriage OzzieFem - not their culture.

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 14:34

OP hasn't said something sexual will happen!
I'm an adult woman, not a teenage girl, and wouldn't share a bedroom with my uncle.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 09/03/2016 14:35

Hell no! Are you sure this is not going to be an arranged marriage

What religion do you have in mind that you think would permit this. For an uncle to marry his niece or an aunty to marry her nephew?

MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 14:36

Is the uncle your XH?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 09/03/2016 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBoursin · 09/03/2016 14:40

The idea that in other cultures, there is always a divide by sex is wrong. That's not my experience at all.
Actually I have seen entire families living in a one bed flat so mother/father and sibliungs all sharing the same room (and they considered themsleves lucky to have said one bed flat). A 2 bed with siblings of the same sex sharing would have ben very normal.

I am not aware of any 'law' saying that the cousin can't/shouldn't share with her uncle. If there is no room in the house, then there isn't.

Original poster
GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 14:41

No lounge - the living arrangements are somewhat cramped. Which makes me wonder where DD will sleep when she visits her dad as currently she is on the bunk bed.

Yes XH is the uncle.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 14:41

Well I totally screwed up the name change there didn't I!!

OP posts:
AskBasil · 09/03/2016 14:42

CaptainCrunch the way you phrased that is dodgy.

"Respect each other's boundaries"

I don't think there's much of a problem with children respecting adults' boundaries, is there, it's not appropriate to talk about that in the same way as grown men respecting female children's boundaries.

Did you mean to sound like you think they're on an equal playing field when it comes to sex, power, abuse etc.?

The number of adult men raped by children, is zero.

The number of children (particularly female ones) raped by adult men on the other hand, is so many that it's uncountable.

Hmm
RockUnit · 09/03/2016 14:43

I certainly wouldn't have wanted to share a room with a 35 year old man when I was 15.

Original poster
GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 14:45

Going back to name change just so it's easier for you to identify when the OP (i.e. me!) posts...

No lounge - the living arrangements are somewhat cramped. Which makes me wonder where DD will sleep when she visits her dad as currently she is on the bunk bed.

Yes XH is the uncle.

OP posts:
LoveBoursin · 09/03/2016 14:46

I think you need to be very careful not to impose your culturally teinted views on this teenager and her uncle.

What we do here i one thing. It might be regarded as the norm or even suitable in another place.
And tbh, I suspect that money will be a big issue there. I have personally seen two uncles and a cousin living my gran for months and months. Cousin was sharing with her dad, uncle on the couch in the living room, gran in her own bed. The person that found things the gardest was the one in the living room. Consistently sleeping in the living room, day in day out, is hell.

AdrenalineFudge · 09/03/2016 14:48

I wouldn't be comfortable sharing a room with anyone tbh, but if needs must then what can you do. The reason you started this thread is because you suspect something more sinister might take place. Otherwise what can families do if they don't have the room - they can only work with what they've got. If that was the case then there'd be no need for this thread as families up and down the country are getting by how they are but your title of a young teen sharing with an adult man who is related to her suggests that you think something amiss or something more to be worried about. In short Yabu.

LoveBoursin · 09/03/2016 14:48

So in effect, you are talking about people living with very little money, no possibility to get something bigger.
What do you expect to see? The cousin not coming to the UK because living conditions are too cramped?

I expect your dd to sleep on a blow up bed in the same room than her cousin and father.

AdrenalineFudge · 09/03/2016 14:49

As a side note, I never understand why posters namechange to discuss something important/serious and expect everyone to take it at face value. Why couldn't you start this thread under your usual name?

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