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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's Cousin Sharing With Her Adult Uncle

53 replies

GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 13:18

Have namechanged for this - have been around for many a year though.

My DD's dad's (my XH) family are from overseas - they all used to live here until about 2 years ago when they all (except for DD's dad and grandmother) returned to their home country. There is currently talk about her eldest cousin coming back over to live with her grandma and uncle in their flat - she is currently 15.

I've been told in passing by DD that her cousin will be sharing bunk beds with her uncle (her grandma has medical problems so cannot share I believe) when she moves in. Now this doesn't sit right with me - a 15 year old girl sharing with a 35 year old man! Surely at 15 (mid-puberty) she would need her privacy at the very least. I'm struggling to find any form of law or guidance online to validate my concerns but I'm pretty sure i'm being reasonable with my worries?

Would appreciate your take on this and what I can do other than voice my concerns to XH and hope he takes them on board and acts accordingly (although I'm not quite sure what can be done considering the space limitations).

OP posts:

jeremyisahunt · 09/03/2016 14:52

I feel bad for any men reading this thread.

hmcAsWas · 09/03/2016 14:52

Why don't you understand Adrenaline - makes perfect sense to me. If you are a regular poster with 'friends' on here, you might not want to disclose every aspect of your life to them via your posts

AdrenalineFudge · 09/03/2016 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 14:55

If the OP suspected something sinister was going to take place then would she really be happy with her DD sharing a room with this man as well? I suspect she's more worried about how it might look to other people as she's said she wants to warn her XH how it may come across.

RockUnit · 09/03/2016 14:57

I don't think a 15 year old boy would wish to share a room with a 35 year old aunt either.

CadenceRoastingByAnOpenFire · 09/03/2016 14:59

I didn't read that the op was concerned about anything happening sexually but more that at age 15 when you're in the full throws of adolescence, it would be very very uncomfortable to have to share with a male. Sanitary protection? Bras? Later on maybe birth control.. These are not the kind of things you want to be in sight of your uncle! Surely sleeping on a mattress in the gran's room would be preferable.

Also to the pp who questioned the op name changing, why not? This info might out her and link her to other stuff she's written about that she wants to keep private. No harm in that.

Shirkingfromhome · 09/03/2016 15:02

Obviously you don't know this at the moment but if the niece and uncle are sharing, would it be feasible for the niece to sleep on the single mattress in her GM room? That way she's not sharing the bed with GM but also has privacy? Perhaps this could be suggested as an alternative to the current arrangements?

MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 15:04

I would've thought there's no space in the grandma's room otherwise that's what would happen.

Original poster

GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 15:12

Adrenalinefudge - if anyone's being goady on this thread it's you. Am not going to respond to your posts anymore, so carry on or don't - doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I have a good relationship with my XH, and my concerns are for the child's wellbeing as an adolescent girl and all that entails; periods, body changes and the physical and mental implications of these, general privacy etc. (would go on but collecting DD from school now).

OP posts:

AdrenalineFudge · 09/03/2016 15:16

This reply has been deleted

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MargotLovedTom · 09/03/2016 15:21

jay55 · 09/03/2016 15:24

School wise 15 is a terrible time to come over. Let alone the sleeping arrangements.

LoveBoursin · 09/03/2016 15:36

The thing is Going YOU would feel unconfortable been in that position as a teenager.
I can't comment for the country your ex is coming from but if you are used to sharing bedroom with siblings of the opposite sex, live in small apartment, cramped conditions etc this will not be as much of an issue for her than for you.

At that age, I wouldn't have had any issues doing that. My cousin was a bit younger when she lived in a cramped flat with her dad, uncle and gran. She coped too. The 'teenage' issue of someone seen her bras never occured to her (and tbh wouldn't have occured to me either).

If the cousin is coming over, she will know the situation I'm sure. What about trusting HER to know what will make her uncomfortable? Or whether she consider that the advantage of coming here to go to school is actually worth the disadvantage of not having your own room etc...

Eg the cousin I am talking about actually decided that living there with her dad was NOT suitable for her (her dad started to have very serious MH issues and she felt she was the one looking after him and couldn't do it). She choose to go and live in another country with another family member. This was what was the best for her.
Now do you have any idea why that cousin is coming over? Can you really say 'This situation is worse than anything else she has at home' for example?

Pinkheart5915 · 09/03/2016 15:47

I understand at 15 she does really need her own space/ bedroom.
If where she will be staying doesn't have much room I don't see a problem with her and her uncle sharing bunk beds. Having said that though if for some reason you don't trust the uncle? Then it's a different matter entirely

Original poster

GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 15:57

I don't think her Uncle would consciously behave inappropriately towards her, no. BTW, my issue is not with her sharing a room (she's shared with her sister for years).

OP posts:

AdrenalineFudge · 09/03/2016 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NeedACleverNN · 09/03/2016 18:10

Im sure we can all agree that as it stands there is no reason to suspect that the uncle will do anything untoward.

All the same at 15 years old a girl and boy both need a place to go to be on their own for when things get a bit much.

A girl can change her pads/tampons in the bathroom and same to her clothes but it could be embarrassing for her if she leaks in the night and it was spotted in the morning by her uncle.

CaptainCrunch · 09/03/2016 18:21

AskBasil, could you be more patronising. My phraseology was not "dodgy", my whole point was that it's not ideal for either party and the both of them would have to be mutually respectful of their small living space, so bog off with your lecture dear.

wheresthel1ght · 09/03/2016 18:27

If I am reading the thread correctly you say the uncle is your xh and currently when she stays there your dd has one of the bunk beds so presumably is sharing with her dad. So if that is ok why is it an issue for the niece to share in a similar manner? And if your issue isn't that you have concerns about inappropriate behaviour from your xh then what actually is your issue?

From a privacy perspective both will need to change in an alternative room ie the bathroom so the room would only actually be used for sleeping.

Although if it bothers you so much are you in a position to offer the niece a bed?

lalalalyra · 09/03/2016 18:34

It's by no means ideal, but I guess the main question is (given that you don't think she's in any sort of danger from your XH) will she be better off here in the UK than where she is living now?

You know your XH and his family - are they the kind of family who'll have thought it all through and come to the conclusion that her life will be made considerably better by moving her despite the sleeping arrangements or are they the kind of family who just won't have thought it through?

choli · 09/03/2016 20:42

The sleeping arrangements may be a lot worse where she comes from.

Original poster

GoingAnonymouse · 09/03/2016 21:09

I'd love her to stay with us (and keep thinking about how we possibly could have here here), she really is an absolutely lovely girl. But realistically we just can't at the moment.

I'm not entirely sure the reasons behind her return to the UK, but knowing her parents as I do, I doubt it would have been entirely for the girls best interests. There in lies another thread.

The sleeping arrangements at their current place in their home country are somewhat cramped I guess (her and younger sister in 1 room bedroom and her parents and toddler in another) in a newly built flat, but hardly third world! To be honest (and I have seen the flat - admittedly it wasn't completely finished at the time) it's a lot better than the place she would be moving in to over here.

OP posts:

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 09/03/2016 21:21

"1 bedroom" not "1 room bedroom" - it's a 2 bedroom flat.

April229 · 09/03/2016 22:07

I can't believe anyone would think this was OK unless a crisis meant nothing else was possible. I'm really surprised at some of the posts here.

A 15 year old girl not having a private space to get changed, manage puberty etc. Without a 35 male in a room with her. Sure they will probably change in separate rooms, but it will be hard not to encounter the intimate parts of each other's lives it will be hard for the uncle to have a life, I would not consider dating a man who shared a room with a 15 year old girl.

In the uk I don't think there is private regulations BUT I believe th gov must give you a larger council house at the point at which 12 year old siblings of different sexes have to share a room.

Can't the girl sleep on a blow up mattress on the floor of grandmas room? Or uncle in the sitting room?

If something inappropriate happened where would the 15 turn? The sick grandma or the parents over seas?

OzzieFem · 10/03/2016 02:37

Sorry OP it did not click that your DD's, cousin's uncle, was your exH and DD's dad. I though it was another male entirely.

It's still would not be considered appropriate by SW, and I'm sure red flags would be raised if the school she will be going to, finds out.

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