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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is bu? Me or dh

76 replies

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 16:16

Me and dh have just had a big row......over a dummy of all things.

Dd will be 3 on the 26th and relies heavily on her dummy. I've always gone under the assumption that she will give it up when she's ready. However after saying "take your dummy out I can't hear you" numerous times today, I've snapped and taken the dummy away in the daytime. Dh agrees with this no problem.

Here is where we differ.

He wants to throw them away tonight and be done with it.

I want to wean her off so it's not such a shock. No dummy in the day time but ok at night. Just until she gets used to not having it in the day.

She loves her dummy and uses it as a confidence booster most of the time too.

So who is right?

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 05/03/2016 16:18

He is. At three the dummy will be hindering her speech, her teeth and she won't be self settling at night.

I don't disagree with dummies but they should be ditched before age 2 at the latest i feel.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 05/03/2016 16:18

He is right I mean NU.

HackAttack · 05/03/2016 16:28

Yabu, by three her teeth and speech will be affecting her, she won't learn any other coping mechanisms if it isn't encouraged

littlehooty · 05/03/2016 16:32

Yeah I agree with your partner. I took my little boys dummy away cold turkey and he relied on it heavily. Every given moment it was in his gob. Photos of him are spoilt by having a huge blue dummy in his mouth. Really wish he wasn't so reliant but not a problem since I took it away.
The first day was hell not even gonna lie but they need to be soothed. Nap time the next day was just as bad but sleep time that day was deffo easier

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 16:32

I'm not talking about dragging it out for months.

Just a couple of weeks.....

OP posts:

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 05/03/2016 16:33

Erm, I don't think going cold turkey on it, without a plan or warning is fair.

I'm pretty sure the experts advise you to wean them off?

Definitely stop it in the day but I wouldn't say having it at night is necessarily going to affect teeth or speech. Thumbs are worse to stop imho.

Good luck

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 05/03/2016 16:36

What I meant is having it at night for a little while longer shouldn't effect her teeth or speech.

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/03/2016 16:37

I would go with his idea, tbh. What about using the idea of the dummy fairy, because she's a big girl now and the dummy fairy will take the dummies to all the little babies?

littlehooty · 05/03/2016 16:38

But surely just using it at night time will prolong the agony? She will wonder why she can't have it in the day
Straight in the bin I say :)

xenapants · 05/03/2016 16:38

She's far too old for a dummy. How can you not know that? Sheesh.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 16:39

Was planning on using the dummy fairy anyway and swap the dummies for a teddy. She loves teddies.

I'm just worried that taking dummy away all together will be a bit too much for her. She's very sensitive

OP posts:

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 05/03/2016 16:40

Neither are wrong exactly, you're both wrong to have allowed her to be so dependent on the dummy. Getting rid will be traumatic for her whether you go Coke turkey or wean over weeks so maybe you should just do it. Not having them in the house will make it easier to say no when she cries for one during the day.

MizK · 05/03/2016 16:40

We just took DDs away and it was fine. We had been dreading it for so long as she was a total addict but she literally didn't seem to care. Might be tougher with a 3yo but I would buy her a present in place of the dummy and say it's her reward for being big and grown up enough not to have a dummy any more.

MrsSteptoe · 05/03/2016 16:41

I would go with his idea, tbh. What about using the idea of the dummy fairy, because she's a big girl now and the dummy fairy will take the dummies to all the little babies?

^^ this. Brilliant. Love that, HermioneJean.

She's far too old for a dummy. How can you not know that? Sheesh.

^^ignore this.

littlehooty · 05/03/2016 16:41

Take it away from her but keep in a drawer. Do not be tempted to get it out unless she's really struggling, that way you can just dig it back out but to be honest apart from sleep time I doubt she will even notice

user7755 · 05/03/2016 16:43

Is it DD who is sensitive or you?

You sound very much like it is your anxieties underlying all this, rather than DDs.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 16:45

Oh she noticed...

Took a good hour for her to stop crying and asking for her dummy.

Even when she was sat down her fingers kept coming up to touch her mouth and her lips kept trying to do a sucking motion.

I never intended for her to get so reliant and I know it's no excuse but we have had a very hard couple of years. Was easier to let her have her dummy than battle it out.

Still not quite sure what to do but seeing people claim my dh is right is making me look at it from his perspective though

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 05/03/2016 16:47

My youngest had dummies at night until nearly four. Not during the day. She just stopped using them and we waited until Xmas and hung them off the tree for santa to take away and leave an extra present. I did the same with dd 1 aged two.

I think the Easter bunny does a similar deal. ;)

Lurkedforever1 · 05/03/2016 16:49

He's right, but you are both bu. But as you've let her have one in the day for 3 years, rather than as a comfort thing for sleeping/ illness as they should only be for, I think it's a bit mean she has to go cold turkey for your mistake.

I'd do a week of dummy in bed only, whilst regularly talking about what a big girl she is, the concept of the dummy fairy and what amazing 'big girl only' present she might get from the dummy fairy, then pick a night she'll be settled on and leave it then. After 3 years of daily use another few nights aren't going to do any harm.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 16:50

We was going to use the Easter bunny but dh pointed out that her brother will be getting something and so will her cousins and therefore won't be "special".

Plus Easter is a day after her birthday so she will have so much new stuff that I doubt a teddy will be special enough

OP posts:

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 05/03/2016 16:52

You know your daughter and you know how sensitive she is. So just go with getting rid of it but find a way that works for her and you.

Yes, she shouldn't probably but have it anymore but there bit for the grace of God go all other parents.

Until you've had a child that absolutely loves and craves their dummy, you won't know how hard it is.

I've had 1 child who just gave it up (and was quite reliant on it) at 2 and another who loved it so much it was the only thing they cared about and was a terrible sleeper, so it took longer to give up.

The other child, who didn't have one, is the only one with teeth/orthodontic issues......I know this isn't the norm but it just goes to show.

I'd be interested to know who/what decides that 2 yrs is the cut off point?

yummychocolate · 05/03/2016 16:53

Go cold turkey it will be ok. We did. The first day was hard but out sight was out of mind. Be patient. Give her lots of cuddles and reassurance. Whatever you do, do not give in. It will make it a lot harder than it needs to be.

IWantToLiveInPawnee · 05/03/2016 16:55

And do not beat yourself up. It's not a parental fail at all. Sometimes this is how things go. There's no blueprint.

I know countless parents who are struggling with thumb sucking and they are waaaay older than your DD.

Wolpertinger · 05/03/2016 16:57

He is - dummy fairy takes them all away and then cold turkey.

Doing it gradually just prolongs the pain.

Arrowfanatic · 05/03/2016 16:57

Just get rid of it. Maybe a couple of nights of upset bu at age 3 you can at least explain it to her in terms she will understand. You know you left her with it far far too late, no point going over it now. But she does need off it, I'm sure she'll probably surprise you

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