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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is bu? Me or dh

76 replies

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 16:16

Me and dh have just had a big row......over a dummy of all things.

Dd will be 3 on the 26th and relies heavily on her dummy. I've always gone under the assumption that she will give it up when she's ready. However after saying "take your dummy out I can't hear you" numerous times today, I've snapped and taken the dummy away in the daytime. Dh agrees with this no problem.

Here is where we differ.

He wants to throw them away tonight and be done with it.

I want to wean her off so it's not such a shock. No dummy in the day time but ok at night. Just until she gets used to not having it in the day.

She loves her dummy and uses it as a confidence booster most of the time too.

So who is right?

OP posts:

SianiMoomin · 05/03/2016 16:59

I'd go cold turkey too. Or cut them all with scissors so they don't work and just say, oh they're broken. And put them in the bin. And then distract her as much as you can.

If you have them available at night, she won't understand why she can have it some times and not others and will cry more for it in the day. If they're not in the house, you can't give in or back down.

Cold turkey all the way.

eddielizzard · 05/03/2016 17:02

do it tonight. go and take all the dummies to a tree somewhere and hang them in there for the fairy.

then tell her it's so special to give her dummies away to the next new babies the fairies are going to be thrilled, and to celebrate you're going to let her stay up late with her favourite movie and some popcorn (whatever treat).

don't push her to go to bed. forget bedtime routine tonight.

i did this with an 18 mo and a 3 year old at the same time. made a big deal, did loads of fun things, got them really tired.

first night was easy, a little whimper for the dummy. second night slightly less so because not such a fuss made. third night was done and dusted, never looked back.

go out with her now and choose a dvd and some treats.

trilbydoll · 05/03/2016 17:03

We did it all at once but she hadn't really had it in the daytime for 18m, or at least, she knew it was meant to be just for naps. We had talked about it loads as well, read books etc, I think it had been hanging over her so long it was a relief for dd when it finally happened!

If she's had it loads during the day and you've never mentioned the dummy fairy I think it's unfair to do it with no warning.

DurhamDurham · 05/03/2016 17:09

Get rid of the dummy altogether, you'll just confuse her giving it to her later then taking it off her tomorrow. Sucking on a dummy all night cannot be good for her teeth.

Good luck !!

Ameliablue · 05/03/2016 17:12

Neither is right or wrong, both methods can work or not work depending on the child.

Only1scoop · 05/03/2016 17:13

He is right

Only1scoop · 05/03/2016 17:15

We left dd in a pretty bag on door handle in morning a few treats for her.

She never asked for it again.

She only ever had it for sleeps never walked around with it.

She was almost 2 and her teeth were starting to arch.

Too much pandering around with dummies.

Get rid I say

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/03/2016 17:15

I found my DCs generally had an easier time when we went cold turkey than when we phased things out. Obviously it's hard to know for certain because you can't try phasing and try cold turkey with the same thing. But my perception was that most of the time they seemed to find it easier to adjust to a new routine when they weren't being constantly reminded of the old one. Having something new to replace, rather than just having an absence of something really helped though so I think the new teddy idea could be good. Also, accepting that sleep will be bad for a short time was frequently a good bet.

Ours rejected dummies themselves around 6 months, but they had milk from a bottle at night until they were about 2 and a half (as for you, it helped us cope with difficult circumstances even though evidence suggests it was not the best thing to do) and we went cold turkey on that when we finally did it. Was horrible for about 4 nights, but then everything was fine. Hope you have as smooth a transition.

Paulat2112 · 05/03/2016 17:16

YABU

Get rid of them in a oner and go cold turkey, give them to the dummy fairy, get her to bin them etc.

Salene · 05/03/2016 17:16

Compromise

Cut the teat off and hand her back the plastic end bit, if she asks what happened to it say oh I don't know

Worked with a few kids I know

shutupandshop · 05/03/2016 17:20

I agree with dh. Give her a reward to liik forward to for being such a big girl.

GahBuggerit · 05/03/2016 17:25

cold turkeyis pretty severe if its a comfort, shes still only a baby and it will be one of the most important items in her little world. its ok for adults to say cold turkey but how many of us have little things we still do now when we are anxious like bite our nails, pick our lips, play with our hair, put our fave joggers on etc its the same thing.

keep it for night only, pull it out of her gob when she falls asleep and take it to your room. my ds would stir a little but drop back off and we clapped and cheered the shit out of him the next day when he realised he gone most of yhe night without it. it got eadier and easier until the dummy fairy had to take it for the little babies and she left him a present in return (smile)

Only1scoop · 05/03/2016 17:28

She's not a baby she's almost 3

Galena · 05/03/2016 17:30

DD had dummies. She loved her dummies. She only had them for naps and when ill from about 18 months. She still had them at night when she turned 4. She settled like a dream. She was due to have an operation at 4y6m and we didn't want to get rid of the dummies before that because they helped her settle.

Then, at 4y2m she had a dreadful medical experience and turned into a hellion at night. One night I told her if she carried on screaming/biting/kicking, etc I would take a dummy away. She did so I did. And again, and again... Then she had none left. When she calmed down and stopped kicking, etc, she said 'I'm sorry, mummy, can I have a dummy now to go to sleep?'. I said no and she sobbed, but fell asleep fairly quickly. The following day we gave her a tin for her dummies and she left them for the dummy fairy. She had 3 books in return.

Since then she has settled without any issues and we don't miss the dummies.

EweAreHere · 05/03/2016 17:32

I've had friends who did a fairy dummy exchange thing: tell him you're going to gather up all the dummies and leave them out for the dummy fairy. Replace them with a nice present over night.

Don't drag it out. Cold turkey is the best way, and this will be warning enough.

BackforGood · 05/03/2016 17:35

Not sure what the AIBU is, but your dh is right IMO.
It's gone now. End of. It sounds like this is more about you than her.

twopinkkittens · 05/03/2016 17:37

Tell her the dummy fairy is coming on a set day and throw them all away. Don't drag it out you'll make it worse and confuse her.

RubbleBubble00 · 05/03/2016 17:37

we did same as you suggested. Made it nighttime only (out I to top of the wardrobe). Then gave it 3/4 wks and removed it at night time. It was more I needed to prep myself as ds who was nearly 3 was still having naps, we let him get used to napping without it. The removed it at night - had a rough week or so then he settled. Cold turkey would have killed us both

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 05/03/2016 17:44

She's not a baby she's 3 years old and sucks as much as a newborn does. No 3 year old needs to be sucking on a teat that much, it's just a bad habit and will be affecting her jaw and teeth.

nilbyname · 05/03/2016 17:44

I feel your pain, and dd had a dummy till she was 3! But, we did cold turkey and that was that. We had a couple of tears at bedtime but otherwise it was pretty easy and I i wish I had done it sooner!!

Jelliebabe1 · 05/03/2016 17:46

I've heard of poking holes in it. Makes it unsatisfying and they then lose interest

A few good ideas here
www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/behavior/attachment-to-pacifier.aspx

skyeskyeskye · 05/03/2016 17:52

DD had her dummy until she was 3 1/2. We told her that the dummy fairy was coming to collect the dummies, so we put them all in a bag and left them out for her to collect. The next day DD got up and found a beautiful dress that the dummy fairy had left. She was really happy and never asked for one again. She did go back to her "blankie" though, that she hadn't used for a while, for comfort.

OP. I think it is time the dummy goes, but I think a set date with a couple of days warning, is better than just taking it away from her.

DD's teeth are absolutely fine.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 17:53

We will do the dummy fairy but won't be tonight. Can't get present tonight.

Will have to be next week....
I am dreading it but I know it needs to be done. She's showing no signs of giving it up herself.

We once left it behind to go up town and she screamed the whole time. No amount of comfort would settle her.

She's got no social issues. She happily runs off with other children, no ear infections and her speech is very well developed.

The poking hole thing won't work...she sucked a dummy she had bitten before and wasn't bothered.

Thanks for everyone's tips....now I've got to apologise to dh......you guys suck

OP posts:

fourkids · 05/03/2016 17:59

I dare say there's no right or wrong here, but IMO DH is BU and you are suggesting a much kinder way, although I see you've decided to go with the flow. Three of my DCs struggled to give up their dummies and I felt their pain because I sucked my thumb and I still remember the intense comfort it gave me. FWIW none of my DCs or I have any issue with teeth or speech!
IMO 'dummies are for bedtime and you leave them on your pillow when you get up' for a while is a much kinder approach.

FrancieC23 · 05/03/2016 18:05

www.bos.org.uk/Portals/0/Public/docs/PILs/digitsapril2013.pdf

This is the official advice leaflet from the British Orthodontic Society regarding thumb/ digit sucking and dummies.

Hope it helps!

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