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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is bu? Me or dh

76 replies

NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 16:16

Me and dh have just had a big row......over a dummy of all things.

Dd will be 3 on the 26th and relies heavily on her dummy. I've always gone under the assumption that she will give it up when she's ready. However after saying "take your dummy out I can't hear you" numerous times today, I've snapped and taken the dummy away in the daytime. Dh agrees with this no problem.

Here is where we differ.

He wants to throw them away tonight and be done with it.

I want to wean her off so it's not such a shock. No dummy in the day time but ok at night. Just until she gets used to not having it in the day.

She loves her dummy and uses it as a confidence booster most of the time too.

So who is right?

OP posts:
Florabeebaby · 05/03/2016 18:06

This is going to sound awful but my ds was so in love with his dummy I ended up dipping it in vinegar and then casually handing it over.... Then a huge pretend shock to the new yucky dummy ;) he binned it himself, he was 2 and 3 months. No real fuss at bedtime, a few tears for a few minutes fir a couple of days but that was it. Get rid I say. I should have done it sooner with ds, he is now in speech therapy due to ' backing', ie using 'k' instead of any of the sounds from the front of your mouth. He is 3 and 4 months now.

GahBuggerit · 05/03/2016 18:07

oh fgs you know what i mean. at 3 some are capable of understanding this concept and some just dont and see it as their mum and dad taking something they love. my ds did and in that respect he was still a baby (and still is my baby although hes nearly my size) so i responded, in that situation, as such, so tried to minimise his distress by softly sofly approach. it worked, and he didnt need to feel powerless about it

GahBuggerit · 05/03/2016 18:09

i dont literally mean a baby is what im trying to say. badly.....

Lurkedforever1 · 05/03/2016 18:27

Op- before going dummy fairy gift shopping, have some casual chats with dd about what she percieves as a gift for a big girl. Unless of course you already know. Doesn't need to be expensive just 'grown up' rather than yet another toddler type gift. At 3am a new teddy that is one of many is something many toddlers would happily trade for their dummy back. Dd had 'big school' type stationairy with a school pencil case and school writing and colouring pens etc. The type mere 'babies' with dummies can't and don't have. With a build up as to whether dummy fairy would think she was big enough to have 'grown up' stuff or if the fairy might just leave the dummy and think she still needed it. Result days of dd pointing out she wasn't a baby who needed a dummy and excitement about the fairy coming to take it and confirm it, therefore her wanting it to be gone with the fairy.

HereIAm20 · 05/03/2016 18:28

we timed our cold turkey removal at Christmas when DS was 2 and a half. They went on the plate for Santa and he took them away for the babies. DS only had it for sleep though not during the day. He never mentioned it until the following year when we went to see a local Santa and he said were the dummies ok for the babies? I frantically nodded above his head and Santa said they definitely were!

I think cold turkey is best but let DD know its happening.

trilbydoll · 05/03/2016 18:37

Just to warn you, dd handled the dummy removal very well on the surface but now doesn't go to sleep until she is so exhausted she can't even stand up. Generally 9-10pm. And the first few nights she woke in the night screaming like a banshee, totally beside herself. Thankfully that only lasted 3/4 nights.

Flossiesmummy · 05/03/2016 19:02

I agree with your DH.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 19:04

No for Dd a teddy is the ultimate gift. She has a select few that go to bed with her and she adores the beanie boo style bears. If I buy her any of them I know it's a winner.

She has occasionally gone to bed without a dummy and has been fine but that was with dh. If I put her to bed without one she will play merry hell. I've just got to find a way to toughen up about it.

We are going to do a mixture of methods now.

Track down a dummy fairy book so she can see how it happens. Talk to her about how she's a big girl and that all the fairy babies need their dummies, select a toy secretly and then do the whole shebang.

Anyone seen a dummy fairy book anywhere?

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 05/03/2016 19:08

We did the Dummy in bed only for a long time with Ds 2 He wouldn't give it up, so the rule was if he had the dummy he had to be in his bed. The first week or so he went back and forth onto his bed for a quick suck. Then he started tucking it under his pillow for bedtime. Eventually he just stopped getting it out. I stuck it in his sock drawer and it stayed there till he left home at 18, his teeth are nice, his speech is clear. Don't be mean, wean her off slowly.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 19:12

Anyone have any experience with this book??

www.amazon.co.uk/Bea-Gives-Up-Her-Dummy/dp/0992616700

OP posts:
Katenka · 05/03/2016 19:13

I am confused about how it's ok for you to 'snap' and take it away during the day with no notice but not ok to take it away with no notice at night.

I don't think either of Yabu. It's a difference of opinion and certainly not something to row about.

eddielizzard · 05/03/2016 19:17

omg you've got an easy way out! get your dh to do bedtime 3x in a row then. job sorted.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 19:18

I am confused about how it's ok for you to 'snap' and take it away during the day with no notice but not ok to take it away with no notice at night.

One of those parenting fails Sad

Ds was in a really bad mood today, constantly crying and wanting to be picked up, to only then thrash about and scream when cuddled.

Dd was "mummy want this, mummy want that" but I couldn't understand her as dummy was in her mouth. Kept telling her to take it out which she did, and then it went straight back in afterwards.

The two combined just frazzled me that much I snapped. I didn't take the dummy out of her mouth and I didn't ask for it. She had put it on the kitchen work top to eat something and I just put it out of sight.

Everytime she asked I just said no dummy till bed time.

I eventually sat down with her and explained that she was a big girl and she didn't need a dummy in the day time anymore which eventually soothed her.

i will hold my hands up here and say I KNOW I did it in the wrong way. It did work. She never asked for it for the rest of the day.

Night time would be a different issue though.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 19:19

omg you've got an easy way out! get your dh to do bedtime 3x in a row then. job sorted.

Dh works back shift next week. 2-10pm. He is at work for bedtime. Means I'm on my own

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 05/03/2016 19:22

ok week after?

keep up the no dummy during the day tho. we're not perfect, we just do the best we can and sometimes it's not ideal. shrug. don't beat yourself up Smile

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 05/03/2016 19:24

That could work actually......

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/03/2016 19:26

We used the dummy fairy, she left her dummies on the coffee table and the next morning there was a note from the fairy, with a little toy as a thank you.

The first night was fine, the second night we had a few tears when she remembered she didnt have them anymore, but apart from that it was no problem.

I did it gently too. No dummy during the day, only in bed for a month or so before we agreed to give them to the fairy. The key thing I think was that she decided to give them to the fairy, of course I bigged it up and explained about the thank you toy she would get, but in the end the decision was hers so she was ok with it.

Katenka · 05/03/2016 19:26

One of those parenting fails

Fair enough, it happens Grin.

But surely you can see dhs point of view then?

OhShutUpThomas · 05/03/2016 19:37

I still had a dummy at 3. I remember the 'dummy fairy' coming. My mum actually got someone to come round with a box for old dummies.

I wasn't bothered about it after that.

Go cold turkey this way!

CeeceeBloomingdale · 05/03/2016 19:39

YABU. I'd just tell her she's nearly three and she'll be a big girl. Big girls don't have dummies. Then cold turkey it. I don't get why it's made into a big deal, just tell her, she'll get used to it.

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 07/03/2016 15:43

Just thought I would update...

We gave Dd her dummy Saturday night and took it off her again Sunday.

This was a bit difficult because she kept asking for dummy. We just kept saying no big girls don't have dummy's in the day time.
Got to bedtime and we handed her the dummy and was told "no dummy"... So she went all night last night with no dummy.

Bought her a teddy of her choice today and told her it was because she was such a big girl for no dummy and since then she's not asked for it. Even when he bumped her head.

Biggest test will be tonight. I am bedding her

OP posts:
TheOddity · 07/03/2016 15:54

Well done!! Expect a few relapses but stand firm!

Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 07/03/2016 16:22

Well now she's got dummy penguin she knows that it was what she got for her trade.
Dh wanted to get her some sweets but I thought a physical thing that she could keep and touch and see will be better

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedACleverNN · 07/03/2016 18:03

She did it!!!

Didn't even ask for her dummy!

She cried because she didn't want to go to bed but when I checked in on her 20 mins later she was fast asleep so obviously tired.

We've cracked it.

Let this be a message to anyone worried about dummies.

It will happen!

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 07/03/2016 18:54

yayay! i love it. we get so worried about stuff and they just get on with it. well done.