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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father or us being unreasonable

69 replies

MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 18:37

To start, am I being unreasonable to not refer to my parents new partners as grandma's and grandpa's?

I'm not going to go in mass detail, I have referred to recent dealings with them In past threads but please do ask, I'm not deliberately trying to be vague, just trying to get to the point. Though please ask will do my best to answer.

Father and Mother divorced about 5years ago, both around the same time found new partners.

Mother completely backs my decision to only refer to her and my dad as grandma and grandpa, the way she see's it is that it can be confusing to the child.

My Father on the other hand has big issues with this, I'm completely unreasonable to refer to her by name instead of the title...which its just that really....the thing is they spend no time with DC, we always have to visit them (we don't drive they do) they only come over when there is a reason (to pick something up that beneficial to them) and wonder why DC don't know them...any way I diverse.

Am I being unreasonable to refer to them as Aunt and Uncle or by name? They aren't my parents, if they split (Father's relationship with this woman is tidal anyway) they have no commitment to DC. Etc

Thank you very much Smile

OP posts:
Stompylongnose · 27/02/2016 18:43

I wouldn't use Uncle or Aunt. They'd be FirstName.

GnomeDePlume · 27/02/2016 18:45

YANBU

I think your aunt/uncle suggestion is entirely sensible.

Original poster
MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 18:45

Why would you choose not to refer to them as grandma and grandpa then (good point I do only refer to them by name still as force of habit it was mainly to still give a 'title' if you see where I'm coming from?

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 27/02/2016 18:46

I also think first name is entirely sensible!

GnomeDePlume · 27/02/2016 18:50

I think the aunt/uncle title can be used where there is no actual relationship. It can simply be a courtesy title.

If the relationship between parent and new partners was stable then I might tend to the aunt/uncle title but otherwise first name is fine.

Of course if you dont like them and dont want to welcome them then you could go for Mrs/Miss X. Now that is formal! Actually this can work with an older generation.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 27/02/2016 18:51

DP has a DGC, I am known by my name and I don't see what's wrong with that. I wouldn't go for the Aunt or Uncle option because they aren't.

Trojanhorsebox · 27/02/2016 18:51

I agree first name is fine. If over time the partner develops a close relationship with the children, then if everyone is happy an honorary title of grandparent could be used - sounds pompous but I think I mean it's up to you, your husband and children to chose to bestow it rather than for anyone else to claim it as a right.

AugustaFinkNottle · 27/02/2016 18:51

YANBU. You're absolutely entitled to take the line is that the only people entitled to call themselves grandparents are the people who actually brought you up and/or biological grandparents.

My grandmother remarried when my mother was around 14. We were always told to refer to her husband as "Uncle" which, now I come to think of it, was a bit weird, but we took it for granted.

tkband3 · 27/02/2016 18:55

My parents divorced before my DCs were born. My dad is Grandad and my mum is Nana and both their partners are known by their first name. It wouldn't have occurred to me to call them anything else.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 27/02/2016 18:55

My dad has always just been called by his first name by his partners grandkids. Especially as both your parents are in the picture it seems silly to call their partners GPs. They're not your parents, and it's not even as if they've been there since you were a child. They're not your child's grandparents but that doesn't mean they can't have a positive role in your DCs life, I think it's good for children to have non related adults in their life

PrincessMouse · 27/02/2016 18:55

I would use first names. YANBU

Foslady · 27/02/2016 18:56

In our case we had grandma and granddad, then the new partners were grandma (her name) and granddad (his name). When dd was old enough and asked how come she had 3 sets we did a basic explaination and that sorted it. It does bug me that parents try to pull this stunt, after all, their choice to remarry, your choice re how your children refer to them - good luck!

gleekster · 27/02/2016 18:57

YANBU It should be Grandad and Jane.

And stop doing all the running taking the DC up there if they can't be bothered.

honeysucklejasmine · 27/02/2016 19:01

I call my step grandmother by her first name, despite the fact she was married to my widowed grandfather before I was born, and so has always been my grandmother. I believe it's as a mark of respect to my mother's late mother.

Calling GM by her name in no way diminishes her place in the family or my relationship with her.

whattimewillyoubeback · 27/02/2016 19:06

my children call my dear step father by his first name. Grandad was my dad, who has died. My stepfather is a lovely man but he isn't my dad and he isn't their grandad.

Cheby · 27/02/2016 19:09

We have a mix on different sides of our family; my parents are divorced so we have Nana and Grandad, and Grandma and Grandpa. I like both step parents, step mum has been around 20 years nearly, step dad 10 (I was in my late teens when my dad remarried). All of them make an effort with DD, so I feel they deserve the title, iyswim.

My FIL passed away a few years before DD was born, MIL met a new chap just after she was born. MIL doesn't want her new partner to be given a grandparent title, as she feels it would be disrespectful to her late husband. I am very happy with this, as both DH and I think new partner is creepy as hell and wouldn't want him anywhere near DD, even if he did put the effort in (which he doesn't, MIL always has her alone, and usually visits us alone too, her choice).

So essentially, YANBU OP, it's completely up to you. And I dare say if you liked and respected the new step parents and they made an effort with you and your kids you would want them to be 'proper grandparents'. The fact that you don't speaks volumes.

allnewredfairy · 27/02/2016 19:10

I'm a step gran. My dgc call DP Grandad and I am allnew. I don't see the gc all that often so maybe it might have been different if I was more involved.

Original poster
MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 19:15

I think, yes I agree if it had been a split when I was a child the circumstances would be different as they may have filled the roles of father and mother, but neither partner does this! (despite the fact that my father puts in my card from mum and dad Hmm )

Of course if DC have that close relationship or choose to call them that I'm not going to stop them as long as its not forced on them...which I don't trust my father doing.

Gnome of course I would love to do that but I think it would make ill feelings worse Wink

Foslady It does bug me that parents try to pull this stunt, after all, their choice to remarry, your choice re how your children refer to them - good luck! (I like this point totally agree)

Gleekster we did stop going over there last year when I clocked what was going on, as such didn't see them except on family occasions for 6months, then Father said he didn't want anything to do with us because we don't have time for them (see previous threads a few months ago for more meat to the story) bit the bullet and went round there to try and keep the peace for DC peace, but after this argument about titles (in front of DC) I'm rethinking my stance, but just don't want DC to miss out on a possible relationship.

OP posts:
Inertia · 27/02/2016 19:16

Either Grandad and Mabel, or Grandad and Mrs Jones, or Grandad and stepgrandmother. Or the children will come up with their own name.

Lelania · 27/02/2016 19:16

I would find it really weird of my boyfriend's children called my parents grandma and grandpa. Why would they? They have grandparents already. It would be like them calling me mummy (which they occasionally do as a joke which makes me feel a bit weird)

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/02/2016 19:16

My mum has been with her partner for nearly 18 years. 8 yr old DD and all of her other gc's call him by his first name. They know who he is, he is pretty much GF but they dont call him that.

Original poster
MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 19:17

Thank you all for describing your reasons. It seems the consensus is just first names, will discuss with DH and progress from there with regards to my father and his wife...my mums partner is happy with Uncle so will continue with that Smile

OP posts:
insan1tyscartching · 27/02/2016 19:18

Df was Grandad and his wife was Betty (her name) Dm had died and I wouldn't have let anybody have the title that should have been hers Sad I'd say your Dad is definitely the unreasonable one.

Original poster
MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 19:20

Cheby very good point at the end of your thread, and your probably on to something.
And of course if my mother or father weren't here that would again be a different circumstance.

OP posts:
Inertia · 27/02/2016 19:20

To be honest it sounds as if the only thing your children would be missing out on would be a load of ill-feeling and arguments.

Does your father's wife have any kind of regional or national name for grandmother which could be used- eg Nain or Mamgu if she's Welsh?