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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father or us being unreasonable

69 replies

MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 18:37

To start, am I being unreasonable to not refer to my parents new partners as grandma's and grandpa's?

I'm not going to go in mass detail, I have referred to recent dealings with them In past threads but please do ask, I'm not deliberately trying to be vague, just trying to get to the point. Though please ask will do my best to answer.

Father and Mother divorced about 5years ago, both around the same time found new partners.

Mother completely backs my decision to only refer to her and my dad as grandma and grandpa, the way she see's it is that it can be confusing to the child.

My Father on the other hand has big issues with this, I'm completely unreasonable to refer to her by name instead of the title...which its just that really....the thing is they spend no time with DC, we always have to visit them (we don't drive they do) they only come over when there is a reason (to pick something up that beneficial to them) and wonder why DC don't know them...any way I diverse.

Am I being unreasonable to refer to them as Aunt and Uncle or by name? They aren't my parents, if they split (Father's relationship with this woman is tidal anyway) they have no commitment to DC. Etc

Thank you very much

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 19:22

No unfortunately she doesn't, good suggestion, thank you Intertia

OP posts:

Cressandra · 27/02/2016 19:26

YANBU. If you don't call Mum/Dad, why should they be grandpa to your children? If you chose to give them that honour, great, but why would it be a default? Maybe they are thinking of how people become aunties and uncles by marrying into the family, but I think that is different.

If you are in the mood for compromise there is the "third way" of using a kind of pet name for them, only used by grandkids, but I think that is usually more for someone the children are closer to, so it can evolve naturally. But if they do evolve, it's often from a toddler's cute mispronunciation of their... wait for it... first name.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/02/2016 19:30

Why do they need a title? Unless they marry there is no title for them.

Hormonal33 · 27/02/2016 19:35

I was 7 when my Mum met my Step-Dad and I was given the option of what to call his parents, either Nan and Grandad or their first names. I chose their first names, it didn't seem right to me calling them Nan and Grandad, even at that young age. I would say either first names or a Granny 'nickname' like Mima or Nona.

jimpam · 27/02/2016 19:42

We do first names for my mum's new husband & dad's partner, easier for everyone, nobody's toes stepped on & neither of them have grandkids of their own so want to reserve use of gran/grandpa etc for biological grandkids.

Liara · 27/02/2016 19:43

My father is dead, since before my dc were born. My stepfather, who was married to my mother when I was a child (now divorced, but still a big part of my life) is as close to a gf as my children have, and as close to a father as I do.

They still call him by his first name.

We all love him to bits, but he is not their gf, and the dc know that. Anything else would be forced and unnatural.

NK5BM3 · 27/02/2016 19:51

My mum died when I was in my late teens. Dad has a new partner and we've called her Aunty. My kids however call her granny and call my dad grandpa. I think that's fine as they never knew my mum and they also know that my real mum passed on (and they visit her grave).

Dh's parents divorced when he was like 1 years old. He wouldn't know her if she appeared in front of her. He calls the stepmother Liz. But my kids call her nanna. Again that's fine.

I think it needs to be suitable for the set up. In my opinion given that both parents are still around as alive then the new partners should be Aunty/uncle or Jane/Tom.

voddiekeepsmesane · 27/02/2016 19:55

We have a very very complicated family with names etc I had a stepmum who I just used Firstname with but since then my Dad has divorced her and has a girlfriend. They have been together for 6 years and we all including DS (11) call her by her firstname. My mum is on her own so no probs there. Dps parents divorced long ago and both have remarried. Because both marriages happened before DS was born all step parents (step granparents) are referred as Nana/Grandad firstname as are biological granparents.

I myself although not married to DP have become a step grandparent recently DSS is happy for me to be Nana firstname but DSS calls me firstname only ...confusing ... not really

HPandBaconSandwiches · 27/02/2016 19:55

First names.

If they become a wonderful support then it won't detract from the bond.

My wonderful "real" grandparents were always known by their first names. The most amazing people who meant the world to me and I have missed them every day since they died. The lack of title was their choice (they felt too young!) and never detracted for a moment from our relationship.

The title is irrelevant imo, it's the lack of effort on their part that will result in a lack of relationship.

ratspeaker · 27/02/2016 19:58

My kids knew their grandads by Grandad First Name

We did try the same with the grannies but my mum went by a nickname, MIL was Granny and my dads girlfriend who they hardly ever saw got called by her first name.
If there had been a fuss over this then tough titty.
Their s tep grandad was the one who played with them and gave his time and love
DH bio dad always signed stuff from Grandad but the kids always called him by first name when refering to him as they got older.

BlushingBrightly · 27/02/2016 20:03

To go against the grain here in terms of experiences, my DC calls my MIL's second husband Grandpa. They have been married for longer than DC have been born and he fulfills the grandparent role. To me that's important and isn't necessarily always trumped by blood. However, that's a 20 year marriage which is not the same as a relationship of under 5 years. I don't think they're really in the position to throw a fit. But neither do I find the thought of using the grandparent title to anyone who's not a biological grandparent as abhorrent as some posters here do.

AGrinWithoutACat · 27/02/2016 20:03

It's your choice but the names can be used by non biological people of the grandparent generation

My sisters MIL, is a step-grandmother to my niece and is Nana to her and Nana first name to my kids (she's lovely and we see her a couple of times a year) all my kids - inc DD who is not biologically DH daughter but is in every other way - also have Granny X & Granny Y who are my husbands grandparents although Granny Y is DHs step fathers mum

As long as their is love and a meaningful relationship then the names work (as an aside my dads stepmother has always been first name to me and I love her dearly but Dad was an adult when she married Grandad so that was how it was naturally)

(Didn't realise how many 'step' relationships we had until I wrote this!)

PegsPigs · 27/02/2016 20:14

My step grandmother is known as Auntie X

Original poster

MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 20:38

Thank you for all your replies.

Blushing thank you for giving another view. I do agree if the role was/ will be fulfilled, I may think differently but the mark in this relationship isn't being met. Though I don't think its wrong for people to use the titles for non blood people if it fits their relationships.

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 27/02/2016 20:43

Like many families ours is a blended family with three sets of grandparents. They all have grandparent titles and out DCs have never been confused. Aunt or Uncle really would throw them.

Original poster

MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 20:47

Thank you Penfold I think that's what most people on here have agreed

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ProcrastinatorGeneral · 27/02/2016 21:15

It says a lot about your dad and his partner that they're more bothered about names than actions. Stand strong and enjoy the time with your family building good bonds.

tinyterrors · 27/02/2016 21:20

I'd just use first names. It may be different if your parents and their partners had been married for years.

We have a similar situation with dh's parents except they've been divorced and with their respective partners for years. Dh's step dad is called grandad by our dcs, partly because he's a huge part of their lives and has been married to mil for nearly 20 years. Dh's dad's partner is known by her name as she and dh's dad have only seen our dcs half a dozen times in nearly ten years.

I'd stick with first names not aunt and uncle as that will be more confusing for your dcs than if they were grandma and grandad.

Original poster

MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 21:25

Thank you Procrastinator Your very right, and DC are very blessed to have DH parents and mother being such a great part of their lives, its just sad that they aren't doing so, though as said before we have quite a few friends that love seeing them.
Wish I could say that to them but they would only pull the victim card however well spoken.

Again thanks all for sharing your circumstances and views

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HeffalumpHistory · 27/02/2016 21:30

Yanbu
I would only refer to the new partners by first name. "Let's go visit Grandma and John"

kiki22 · 27/02/2016 21:38

Yanbu both our parents are divorced with new partners for both our mums their partners are granda/papa because they have been there from day 1 and are grandparents to our child however both our dads partners are by name because they do not act as grandparents and don't have a bond with him. It would be odd for him to call some woman he hardly knows gran.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2016 22:31

Why can't they be Grandma Name and Grandpa Name? (or nanny, or granny name if that's what they like?) Will they behave as grandparents and treat your children as DGC?

My stepmother (who married my dad when I was pregnant with DC2) was never called Mum by me, but I couldn't have my small children calling her by her first name. She was married to their grandad and treated them as her DGC.

Aunt and uncle would be silly.

Original poster

MrsMum2011 · 28/02/2016 07:25

Nanny no both my father and his wife as stated above barely see DC, my mother partner doesn't really see then but its not my mother with this issue. I do see your point about first names as it can be rude to refer to certain people by their first names... Thus the auntie/ uncle but as many people have agreed just first names in this circumstance would probably be best.

Thanks again

OP posts:

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 28/02/2016 07:42

My children refer to their dad's mum by her first name, if she ever comes up in conversation. She isn't a grandparent, just some random that happens to be related to them. It's not a title that's automatic, it has to be damn well earned.

Original poster

MrsMum2011 · 28/02/2016 07:50

I completely agree about it having yo be earned, which is why I could not leave my children with them, I wouldn't put it past them to have a conversation with them about me being wrong and this is what you must call her.
To them farther feels she has earned it, she had picked us up film the hospital once, has chosen and bought their occasion presents (would rather they just saw our children on the day then leave them outside the house/ through the post box) and has married my father!
Though whenever this comes up she is of on the kitchen etc!

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