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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father or us being unreasonable

69 replies

MrsMum2011 · 27/02/2016 18:37

To start, am I being unreasonable to not refer to my parents new partners as grandma's and grandpa's?

I'm not going to go in mass detail, I have referred to recent dealings with them In past threads but please do ask, I'm not deliberately trying to be vague, just trying to get to the point. Though please ask will do my best to answer.

Father and Mother divorced about 5years ago, both around the same time found new partners.

Mother completely backs my decision to only refer to her and my dad as grandma and grandpa, the way she see's it is that it can be confusing to the child.

My Father on the other hand has big issues with this, I'm completely unreasonable to refer to her by name instead of the title...which its just that really....the thing is they spend no time with DC, we always have to visit them (we don't drive they do) they only come over when there is a reason (to pick something up that beneficial to them) and wonder why DC don't know them...any way I diverse.

Am I being unreasonable to refer to them as Aunt and Uncle or by name? They aren't my parents, if they split (Father's relationship with this woman is tidal anyway) they have no commitment to DC. Etc

Thank you very much

OP posts:

Spandexpants007 · 28/02/2016 07:54

If the relationship is very very long term 'nan Lynda' is fine. Otherwise just Lynda is best

lanbro · 28/02/2016 07:58

My grandparents were divorce and grandfather remarried. We always just called her by her first name. She was like another grandma but never referred to as such, although as I got older I became aware of the great pretence my family went to to pretend everything was rosy when she was actually a nasty piece of work!

Kitkatmonster · 28/02/2016 08:02

My mum & stepdad are referred to by us and kids as grandma and granddad, my dad and his wife as Grandad and first name. Mainly because my mum remarried when I was a child and my dad remarried after I'd had my first child. My sister's children are younger and do refer to dad and stepmum as Grandad and grandma, but it's never been an issue that mine don't. In fact, I'm pregnant now and thinking about it wouldn't start anything new for this one, so it'll be Grandad and first name again. Yanbu.

SugarPlumTree · 28/02/2016 08:07

My Dad's partner had been around pretty much as long as my DC can remember and is lovely, never overstepped the mark. I'm at an age where when growing up my parents close friends were Aunty and Uncle so when Dad suggested when the DC called his partner Aunty I was very happy to go with that. I love her to bits and would have gone with Grandma if asked but I don't think she'd ever have wanted that as she's very unassuming.

It's a hangover from another generation thing really, my DC call my friends by first names and Aunty was never on the menu. However they call our elderly neighbour's Aunty and Uncle as they have been like surrogate grandparents over the years and first names didn't seem right and neither did Mr and Mrs X.

With situation here I think OP's Dad is being a bit of an arse about it and agree that it comes over as being more fussed about title than the actual doing bit of being a grandparent.

BathshebaDarkstone · 28/02/2016 08:21

We refer to DF's DP as Aunty X, she's not my DC's DGM, and wouldn't want to be referred to as such.

Everytimeref · 28/02/2016 08:40

My daughter calls my mums husband "pampy " and my dads partner "grandma" whereas my two boys call them by their names. This is because the new partners arrived on the scene before she was born and the boys are much older.
I am going to be a grandparent soon. We have joked about all the sets of grandparents. Lots of divorces on both sides! We have decided its up to the parents (my DS and DDIL) and child to decide what we will all be called.

bluecashmere · 28/02/2016 08:44

YABU.

I think everyone here agrees. OP's dad is not being fair.

My step mum has been around since I was little. She is viewed as a GP but even then had the courtesy to ask when DS was born what her title could be and I was sure it couldn't be the same as DM.

Anyway, it's not about the title, it's about the relationship. If she wants to be a GP then she needs to act like one.

Personally I wouldn't go for Aunt but that's because it's a weird tradition not to use it in my family and my sisters are just known by their name as are my aunts and uncles.

BathshebaDarkstone · 28/02/2016 08:49

I just remembered, my aunt's MIL is known as Red Granny by my DD because that's what my aunt's DSGSs call her!

sandgrown · 28/02/2016 08:50

My daughter's children call DP grandad (her choice) but he see lots of them. In fact much more than their natural grandad . My son's child calls him by his first name . We just let my children decide what they wanted to use . No problem .

FaithAscending · 28/02/2016 09:01

We have similar issues. DH's parents are divorced and both remarried and my Dad has a 'special friend' (DMum passed away). We discussed it before we had DD. SMIL asked to be Nanny, SFIL wants to be known by his name. Dad's friend has a special nickname but DD started calling her Nanny anyway!

I think you should do whatever you're comfortable with, not be forced into labels you don't like.

bluecashmere · 28/02/2016 09:17

*YANBU! Sorry - just spotted my mistake. Bloody autocorrect

Junosmum · 28/02/2016 10:51

my parents are separated.

They are granddad and Emily and nani and Arthur. YANBU.

insideout · 28/02/2016 11:49

Slightly different for us as DH's parents split up 15 years ago and have both remarried our dd calls them ' granny and pops' and 'daddad and nanna' my parents are 'granny and gandbob'. To be honest the 'step grandparents ' are both great and treat our kids as grandkids, and are full members of the family, it probably helps that DH was an adult when his parents split, and they all get on amazingly ( they all spent xmas together! ! Bit weird if you ask me but it certainly makes life easier! )

Buttons23 · 28/02/2016 11:56

My mum has been married to her husband for 4 years. He is really nice, we like him a lot and he is great with my 2 year old son. My ds calls him by his first name although he does do what many grandparents would. I think it's because I don't see him as a stepdad, they married long after I left home so it's a different relationship and 2, my dad died when I was 10. I guess in my mind my son has a grandad, he just isn't here. My mum and her husband have never minded.

On the other hand, my son does call his other nan's husband grandad. They have been married since my oh was 15, his dad walked out on him so his stepdad is the closest thing.

I think it depends on how much they see the child and how you feel about them as step-parents

SleepyBoBo · 28/02/2016 12:05

I don't think you are unreasonable, the title of 'grandparent' is not earned just by being the partner of the actual grandparent in question. Obviously other factors come into play - for example, my child has four 'biological' grandparents, and one step who gets called 'Grandad John' as he has been part of the family long enough/thought of as an actual relative. If any other grandparent had a partner, they certainly would only be John/Jane/Whatever, even though they would be respected as a partner, the idea of them being a Grandparent without having any 'parental influence' doesn't really work.

BaskingTrout · 28/02/2016 12:15

my parents divorced when I was little, my dad was a toxic, violent alcoholic who subsequently died. my mum married my stepdad 3 years ago, before my dd was born. dd calls him grandpa. I totally get why most people would stick with first names for gp's partners but, in my case, I didn't feel like my dad (even if he was still alive) would be worth the title of "grandpa" but my stepdad is. but I know that is very much due to my circumstances.

Mouseinahole · 28/02/2016 12:25

My step grandchildren have a pet name for me which starts 'Grand.....' We all love it and have a loving relationship.
My dgc use Grandad for dh as their 'blood' grandfather is dead. They use Nanna for step gm and Grandadfirstname for step gf. We all feel like family.

Birdsgottafly · 28/02/2016 12:26

I agree that's it got to be earned.

By non-bio Grandad was always referred to by his name, but I called him Grandad and it was one of the significant relationships in my life.

Original poster

MrsMum2011 · 28/02/2016 18:11

Thanks again for you responses, I do agree its more of a generational thing of auntie and uncles being given to people of close family friends/relation also cultural we have found round here.
bluecashmere I assumed it was a typo but on first seeing the response was quite ready to hear the other side thanks for sharing

OP posts:

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