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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pack everything the DC need for overnight stay with ex?

53 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 21/02/2016 07:35

This is a genuine question as I really don't know what to do. 18 months after moving out he has finally got a flat and tomorrow will start having them overnight. This time he will keep them til Weds.

He will come here in the morning to take them to school then collect from school. I don't know what to pack. Should I assume he will have had the sense to get toothbrushes, PJs etc? I'm sure he won't though. I think he won't have thought about ds1's packed lunch and won't have stuff in for it etc.

I don't want the DC to suffer but also don't want to set a precedent of me sorting every little thing even when they're not with me after he insisted he wanted 50/50 , though it's more like 60/40 to me. I was thinking of providing clean uniforms and letting the DC pack toys etc and telling ds1 to remind him about packed lunch after school. Does that sound OK? If it's relevant, I earn a lot more than him and he has had no money from me (yet). For me this isn't about money but I think he may make it so.

He was a reasonably competent sahp so I feel he can sort this stuff, but I really fear he won't and I will get a load of shitty texts tomorrow night when he realises all the stuff he needs he hasn't got. Aibu to let him figure it out for himself?

OP posts:

Katenka · 21/02/2016 07:42

It depends on how well you get on.

Can you text him and ask him what he has got for them?

Or tell him you will send stuff this time as he has just moved in but he must get stuff in for them?

This is assuming you are at least amicable

tellmemore1982 · 21/02/2016 07:43

Pack the essentials and give him a list of things he needs to think of, written very politely. You could give him a list in advance to prepare, pitch it as "these are things I though you might want to get if you're having the kids to stay regularly". You could also write out their timetable / schedule by way of information so it's clear.

If your DC are old enough you could also give them a list of things they need to check the night before school etc too. They might enjoy a little responsibility? Get them involved.

Good luck, I'm sure it will feel difficult with them away and your instinct is to do everything for them to protect them in your absence but not setting a precedent for that is the right thing to do.

errorofjudgement · 21/02/2016 07:44

Given that your ex has only just got a place where the DC can stay with him, I would pack all the clothes and toiletries they would need for the trip. But expect that he would provide the food.
there are a lot of expenses when you first move, but perhaps you could suggest to your ex that he might take them shopping in the next couple of months for night clothes and toiletries to keep at his home?

Afreshstartplease · 21/02/2016 07:47

I think I'd just ask

I wouldn't want my kids to be stuck without things they needed

araiba · 21/02/2016 07:47

try being an adult and asking him what he has/ hasn't got for them.

If it is the first time, it is unlikely that he has a lot of things for them

Minisoksmakehardwork · 21/02/2016 07:50

I'm torn. Because actually the ones who will suffer will be the children.

As from your op it seems you would be paying him some maintenance and you say it's supposed to be a 50/50 custody, I'd start by sending enough school uniform for him to keep and to launder as needed, one set of pjs to stay there and maybe a couple of sets of clothes plus underwear for a few days and wash things to stay there. Make sure the children take some toys that they can leave if they want to, after all, their dad's place will be their home too. It's up to your ex to supply storage for them. I would tell him what the dc's school lunch schedule is and then it's down to him whether they have school dinners or packed lunch.

In the future, maintenance payments would be responsible for replacing anything the kids needed, eg toothbrushes, clothes etc. But I would let ex know this is the case. That what you are providing as a start up is for the benefit of the children but he has to continue from there. I assume he's had to buy beds, bedding etc for them, which you would already have had so if he's genuinely making a home for them, a little help would go a long way to helping maintain a good relationship. That's not to say you should be treated like a mug and then have to by absolutely everything. But a little help at the start when his costs will already have been higher might make things smoother for the DC.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 21/02/2016 07:52

I'd send all clothes and toiletries and ask your kids (assuming at least one of them is over the age of 5) to remind him about packed lunch food.

As he was a sahp he should know the children need packed lunches, but you can't tell what he is assuming about what the kids will bring with them clothes and toothbrush etc. wise unless you get on well enough to just talk about it like adults (but if you got on you presumably wouldn't need to post here to ask and would just talk to him).

Artandco · 21/02/2016 07:55

I would send pjs, toiletries, full lunch box Monday, favourite teddy and book.

Then talk to him and day you have just sent them with that today as you weren't 100% what he has, but from the following week you hope to be just sending them in what they are wearing and expect him to have everything else as you would

Mistigri · 21/02/2016 07:56

I think if you start by supplying things, then you will find it very difficult to stop.

The packed lunches are 100% the responsibility of the parent in charge at the time the lunches are needed - I would phone the school to advise them of the new alternate residence arrangements (they will need to know anyway) and make sure the kids can have a school lunch if their dad doesn't send a packed lunch.

Small "consumables" like toothbrushes should also be supplied by the parent concerned.

However, I think that supplying a pair of PJs and one set of uniform is reasonable.

Oysterbabe · 21/02/2016 07:57

Tell him what he needs to get. Surely it's the children that are important not trying to get one over on your ex.

Micah · 21/02/2016 08:00

If he was a sahp surely he's used to doing school lunches, buying toothbrushes etc?

Text him, say "I know you've just moved in, is there anything you need me to send with the kids if you're not quite organised yet? Toothbrushes? Pj's?"

Then you're clear you normally expect him to sort that stuff, but you'll help him out this time. Also you're not assuming he's incapable.

Needtobebetter · 21/02/2016 08:02

I'd pack everything this time and say that you didn't want to assume he's managed to get everything for the DC having just moved but you'll only pack clothes next time as you know he'll want them to have their own set of things at his house. Then it sort of tells him he needs to organise it. If you're worried about packed lunches etc I'd mention specific items and ask him if he's managed to get them or whether he wants you to send them.

Artandco · 21/02/2016 08:06

I wouldn't pack clothes next time either. A change this time maybe but in future if he's having 2-3 days a week he should have bought a couple of tshirts and trousers.

In split parenting it's far easier if both supply what they need. If he collects on a Monday and returns three days later neither side will know in advance if wellingtons are needed or sandals sometimes. He can get basics now and add as things come up

acasualobserver · 21/02/2016 08:08

Could you telephone him and discuss it?

Original poster

thinkingmakesitso · 21/02/2016 08:08

Yes, talking to him about it would be ideal and I did try when he dropped them back after taking them to his parents last weekend, but he had to rush off, which is annoying as usually he insists on coming in and I can't get rid of him. I did manage to show him a handwritten version of the schedule we agreed at mediation, which he had promised to put on outlook but didn't, and he said "we'll have to see how it goes", which is worrying since he knows I've spent ££700 on mediation so far to get to this point.

I have such a bad feeling about this.

OP posts:

lighteningirl · 21/02/2016 08:12

Text him and say this is new territory for both of us is it ok if : then list what you're sending. Then ask have I duplicated anything or is there anything else you think they will need?. My dc took all their clothes and bought them all back ex supplied all toiletries and food Inc packed lunches but did need to be reminded and they took the actual lunch boxes. You have a choice to make be difficult and awkward under the pretence of he should whilst really trying to get one over and prove you're the better parent or just do what's best for your dc ie provide what they need and communicate politely with their df.

RubyRoseViolet · 21/02/2016 08:13

I'd just ask him or failing that I'd send them with toothbrushes etc and say "as you're only just in your own flat I've packed these things but I'm sure by next time you'll be sorted.".

mix56 · 21/02/2016 08:37

just email mail & ask what he has organised, & if he needs any pointers.
ex lunch box, sports bag...... the toothbrush he can go & buy.
Don't send it all, He needs to learn, & also you probably won't get much back

1frenchfoodie · 21/02/2016 08:58

Ask him / send email and if no response err on the side of caution and pack everything this time as only the kids suffer if they have no pjs, toothbrush, packed lunch etc. When he comes to pick kids up you can then speak to him about you divide this. 2 sets of uniform probably doesn't make sense for growing kids but he can get most other stuff over the next weeks.

deregistered · 21/02/2016 09:10

I'd just text or email him: 'Hi just checking you have got toothbrushes, PJs and stuff for packed lunch tomorrow?'
I wouldn't do the 'do you need' thing, it's setting a precedence.
If you get a shitty reply along the lines of 'why aren't you supplying this'. Then I'd say 'I will this once as the kids can't go without, but in future we both have to be equipped at our own houses'

AlpacaMyThings · 21/02/2016 09:10

On the flip side, he's an adult. He could ask for a list. He may resent you interfering.

I'm sure his mother can help out too with suggestions as to what he may need, and there are plenty of supermarkets and corner shops open late at night for emergency toothbrush purchases etc.

ChasingPavements · 21/02/2016 09:21

Just ask him / email him with the schedule and a list of things you think that they'll need for the 49/50% of the time the DC are with him. To do otherwise is really setting him up to fail, and then you'll have the opportunity to complain about him. Which is passive aggressive behaviour.

He was a 'fairly competent' sahp who hasn't had his DC for 18 months - lots changes with children's needs in that time, so it'd be a great idea to try and co-parent your children, even though you're no longer together.

Artandco · 21/02/2016 09:24

Email him. Email becomes very usual here.

Make sure school is emailing you both so neither of you miss anything due.

I would email saying you assume he's worked out everything he needs for them, if he hasn't had chance yet to get something ie school uniform or lunch box etc can he email you so you send enough for this week whilst he gets it before next visit.

Jessbow · 21/02/2016 09:28

The rate at which children grow is it really sensible to duplicate everything? If they have 5 days worth of school uniform, send a spare set to stay with him, he can keep It washed, surely? As child outgrows, expect that he should replace what's with him.

PJ's and toiletries- send this time, but expect dad to have got for next
Send lunch boxes- when they arrive at his with them, surely he will realise they need refilling ( or he'll have to pay for school lunch)

The reason I say about leaving stuff and not carting it back and forth- kids don't want to lug big bag into school and be 'different' because they are going to dad. It needs to become 'normal' and the sooner it does so, the better it is for them.

DarthPrincess · 21/02/2016 09:32

We split custody as 60/40 also. I send literally nothing with my son he cones home in the same clothes I send him in ( washed by exh tho) he to was the main parent at home so i figured he was capable of sorting everything else out.

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