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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pack everything the DC need for overnight stay with ex?

53 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 21/02/2016 07:35

This is a genuine question as I really don't know what to do. 18 months after moving out he has finally got a flat and tomorrow will start having them overnight. This time he will keep them til Weds.

He will come here in the morning to take them to school then collect from school. I don't know what to pack. Should I assume he will have had the sense to get toothbrushes, PJs etc? I'm sure he won't though. I think he won't have thought about ds1's packed lunch and won't have stuff in for it etc.

I don't want the DC to suffer but also don't want to set a precedent of me sorting every little thing even when they're not with me after he insisted he wanted 50/50 , though it's more like 60/40 to me. I was thinking of providing clean uniforms and letting the DC pack toys etc and telling ds1 to remind him about packed lunch after school. Does that sound OK? If it's relevant, I earn a lot more than him and he has had no money from me (yet). For me this isn't about money but I think he may make it so.

He was a reasonably competent sahp so I feel he can sort this stuff, but I really fear he won't and I will get a load of shitty texts tomorrow night when he realises all the stuff he needs he hasn't got. Aibu to let him figure it out for himself?

OP posts:
chibsortig · 21/02/2016 09:33

Maybe you could just ask your Ex if he has everything they need i not can he give you a list and remind him about Ds pack lunch.
Send everything he needs this time but then be clear and tell him what you expect him to provide for the Dc at his.
I'd send one set of spare uniform as it'll end up coming back home for washing if they take off one set from yours and put his set on. Ask him for contributions towards uniform then its a joint thing rather than his set and your sets.
As for other clothes im sure you could send spare pjs and clothes for the first time and he can buy extras to keep just at his same with toothbrushes and hairbrushes.

mix56 · 21/02/2016 09:40

To be fair, he may have decided to use up some of the time, taking them shopping for PJs etc

CalicoBlue · 21/02/2016 09:48

I have always viewed the kids stuff as theirs and up to them where they kept them. There are so many battles with divorce that I chose not to have one about clothes.

For the first visit I would select a couple of outfits, pj's, school uniform and some toys to take to their fathers. It is going to be strange for them and having their own stuff there is going to make it easier.

My ex has sorted out toiletries for them so I have not had to buy those. I generally buy all their clothes. Once every few months he would bring all their clothes from his place over to me, I would go through them work out what had been outgrown and then give him a couple of sets back. Now they are teens, I leave it up to them to sort out their clothes.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 21/02/2016 09:58

Send them with school uniform.
Tell him to wash this for next week when they are back with you.

Take the kids shopping for...

A multipack of socks/pants/vests to leave there. Again, they will need it washed for next week.

A couple of pairs of jeans/t-shirts/leggins/pjs/sweater. Whatever they wear at home...

New toothbrush/hairbrush/smellies. The ex can replace when used up.

Much easier than packing bags every couple of days.

Tell him "this is what hey need. They are bringing it to their home with you. When it is outgrown or used up, it's up to him to replace it. With the dcs. They can go and choose new ones together."

I would also suggest they keep a few toys at dads too.

Depending on your relationship with him now, either ask if that's ok, or tell him that's what they need.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 21/02/2016 10:32

Send them with what they need, don't play petty games that just hurt the children.

Is he now working given he was the SAHP? If not and you're getting the CB and havent paid him child support then what do you think he is going to restock an entire wardrobe with?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 21/02/2016 12:42

He wants 50/50 so why would OP pay child support?

allnewredfairy · 21/02/2016 12:53

Can't you text asking what he'd like you to send and negotiate from there?

Oldraver · 21/02/2016 13:07

I would do as WhycantI suggests.

Send a couple of changes and say to keep at his house and for him to replace in the future. Do not let him send them back to you to clean

HermioneJeanGranger · 21/02/2016 14:26

If he's only just been able to get a flat after a year, do you really think he has money spare to buy clothes etc. on top of (presumably) new beds, bedding and furniture for the DC?

I think it's not worth arguing over clothes and toothbrushes, especially when you say you out-earn him considerably. Send them with everything they need - they'll bring back what they don't use/need at their fathers anyway, and when he drops them back, discuss what they'll need (or not) next time.

Are the DC old enough to be responsible for remembering their own stuff?

IamlovedbyG · 21/02/2016 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2016 14:29

Just text him a list of the things they'll need and tell him if he doesn't have them yet, you can help out short term.

But he'll have to sort the list as soon as possible.

sashh · 21/02/2016 16:25

Send him a text e-mail (if you are on friendly enough terms) but rather than assume he might forget ask things like

Do the kids need to bring their toothbrushes or have you got them ones for when they are at yours?

Have you got a washer yet? Only ask in case you haven't and need spare uniform.

I know you can do packed lunch for X so not worried about that, sorry as this is their first overnight with you I don't want them to be unhappy or missing anything.

BillSykesDog · 21/02/2016 17:14

The children have been with you 100% of the time and have enough at your house for 100% of the time. They are now not going to be with you 100% of the time so will need less stuff at yours. Pack up some of the things you already have and send them over to be kept/washed at his. For things which there are only one of, like toothbrushes, send them this time but remind him he needs to get them for next time, give him a list of those items. Let your children choose a few toys to take.

It will be a big unsettling change for your children and having familiar things around will help them settle. I've read your posts before and I know there has been a lot of acrimony, it would be better to minimise this while the children are going through this period of readjustment so please don't deliberately set him up to fail. It will just hurt the children.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/02/2016 17:20

It's really quite derogatory to think you need to send anything apart from the children in their uniforms and lunches for that day.(given he is collecting them for the school run)

He is a grown up who has been a SAHP why on earth would you just assume he has forgotten what they will need.

paxillin · 21/02/2016 17:29

Just send the children, their favourite teddy and nothing else. They can't carry around a suitcase at school. If he hasn't done so yet, he will have time to buy spare uniforms, pjs, toothbrushes etc Monday morning after the school run. Tell him about the packed lunch when he picks them up. He is a grown up and a parent and has to cope.

MsColouring · 21/02/2016 17:59

He's only just got a place of his own and you've agreed to 50:50?

Ragwort · 21/02/2016 18:11

I would err on the side of caution and really try and discuss it with ex first or send everything.

A close friend of mine is going through a very difficult separation and it is heart breaking to hear/see the petty fighting over 'responsibilities' - the only people who will suffer here are the children, who presumably didn't ask for their parents to separate.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 21/02/2016 18:17

Well I've ended up buying stuff to take so as to ensure no upset to the DC. I've just sobbed into some socks as the boys have different sizes and school socks all look the same when unpacked and that is the sort of detail he is shit at.

I know he won't have bought stuff but will just have to apologise if he has. Mscolouring, I'm not sure what you mean. He may have only just got a flat, but he has been their father all their lives and, besides, I didn't really have much choice. I don't know if his flat will be permanent but he will need to start making some very different life choices now if he really wants to do this. What he really wants is to keep seeing them most days at mine, but that's not an option anymore.

OP posts:
sashh · 21/02/2016 19:17

Don't cry over socks, you can always put a couple of coloured threads in the toes, red for one child, blue for the other.

Good luck with the 50/50.

MsColouring · 21/02/2016 19:18

You said he is 'insisting' on 50:50 which made it sound you were pressured into an agreement. It seems like a lot of disruption to children who have lived with you full time.

RosaDiazepam · 21/02/2016 19:27

What he really wants is to keep seeing them most days at mine, but that's not an option anymore
Exactly what my ex wants too. How did you end this? I find it so hard without causing ww3 & because we're both on the mortgage & he has a key etc it's just so hard.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 21/02/2016 19:40

I see what you mean Mscolouring but it's probably less disruption than if I just stopped him coming and put them in childcare; they are used to seeing him most days.

Rosa, it is so hard and we have had to go to mediation. I am not looking forward to asking him for his key back, which is the next hurdle.

OP posts:
MsColouring · 21/02/2016 20:32

As long as you are happy with the arrangement - I wouldn't be - but every situation is different.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 21/02/2016 20:52

Yup, I'm ecstatic; my husband cheated on me for 2 years, my marriage ended and now my children no longer live with me full time. My cup runneth over, obvs Hmm.

OP posts:
3rdrockfromthesun · 21/02/2016 21:06

I can not provide any guidance -but just spit in his tea the next time you make him some and it will make you feel better (i promise)- Grin

Any way have some Wine and Chocolate

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