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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

really need some advice regarding dc's father - aibu or him?

60 replies

user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 20:07

Hi really need some advice but not sure who to ask and have just stumbled apon this site.

I had DS when I was 16, I was 'forced' and found things very hard.

His father never looked back, obviously.

He is not 12 (my ds) and has been having more and more questions, I have tried phrasing it the best I can but he really would love a dad as all his friends keep bragging about the lovely things they do together.

Ds didn't return from school one day, I went out looking and he was outside school and he told me about how his dad had taken him out to Costa, etc. I was absolutely fuming. At first I assumed it was someone grooming him, but I got him to describe him and it was him.

There is not court case or anything so I'm not sure what his dad's rights are/how 2 explain things to him, thanks xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 20:14

Just want to say that I have no idea where he lives/works, etc.

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 15/02/2016 20:15

The simple answer is that it is your son's father who is being totally unreasonable by establishing contact in this way. However, I'm sure there will be more knowledgeable and experienced posters here who can advise you about how to proceed. I think most people would be fuming in your position too.

Original poster
user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 20:25

Thank you

OP posts:
SolsburyHell · 15/02/2016 20:34

Ok, so your sons father has behaved awfully by just inserting yourself in your sons life without approaching you first. You should talk to your son and make sure he does not wander off with his father again. Also approach social services/ your local family courts/ family solicitor for proper legal advice.

That said, I grew up with an absent father (and nothing has changed). I remember desperately wanting to contact him to try and forge a relationship but not knowing how to contact him. To be honest I don't think he would have wanted to know anyway. I know what it's like to be deprived of such an important relationship and I think it would cause long term damage to your own relationship with your son if you try and stop them having contact without very good reason.

SolsburyHell · 15/02/2016 20:38

Btw, if your son has questions, answer them honestly but fairly and without bitterness. It sounds like they will have further contact so you need to ensure your son feels that he can be honest with you about it.

abbsismyhero · 15/02/2016 20:39

is he on the birth certificate?

are you sure it was him?

why didnt you report your son as missing?

Original poster
user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 21:05

The very good reason is that he forced me to have sex with him.

Why would I want my child around such a piece of scum.

I didn't report him as missing because he was at school when I arrived there to look for him.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
Original poster
user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 21:06

Of course he isn't on the birth certificate and because he described him to me

OP posts:
SonjasSister · 15/02/2016 21:09

He's 12 and I think if op thought she'd have a good idea where he might be it made sense for her to go & look first - maybe he sometimes hangs out with his mates after school, for example.

Op i have no idea of the legalities but you do have the right to a say in access. Maybe the fathet ( he hardly qualifies as a dad at the moment) went about it that way as he was convinced you'd say no (which under the circumstances would not have been surprising). Cowardly of him if so but maybe thats why?

I do wish you the best in handling yjis in a way that works for both you and ds. I can see itmust be hard for you. Flowers

SonjasSister · 15/02/2016 21:11

Did you tell anyone back then, at the time op? Did you get help?

You must be feeling so upset Sad

Original poster
user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 21:13

Well, I didn't say the whole story...

So I never did get much help, but it is what it is and yeah, I'm mortified!

I thought I was doing a pretty good job with my little lad! And now he comes back to haunt us

OP posts:
meatliqour · 15/02/2016 21:31

If he's not on the birth certificate he zero parental rights. He shouldn't be doing this.

However, agree with pp about answering your DS's questions honestly, age appropriate & without bitterness. Your DS will ultimately make his own mind up

missymayhemsmum · 15/02/2016 22:16

OP, what happened to you was so wrong, and you have obviously done a great job with your boy.
Was his father a similar age to you? Do you know anything about who he is now?
Presumably you have had no contact with him since, and your son has never got to know his family. 13 years is a long time, and you could maybe find out about this man to decide whether he has grown into a man you could accept your son getting to know, or whether you need to seek protection from him. He may have spent years regretting what he did. I think you should find out before telling your son too much, but yes, ultimately you have to be honest with your son, and one day he will make up his own mind.

Original poster
user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 22:18

He was 27, I was 16...

OP posts:
poppiesanddaisies · 15/02/2016 22:21

Gosh, you poor thing Flowers

I think if I were you I would explain honestly what the situation was to your DS. It is so hard and I bet it's a conversation you just don't want to have.

I bet your DS will also find it very hard but you've done amazingly.

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2016 22:23

This is going to be so hard for you and your son to deal with, I think you should get some professional advice and support. Maybe start with your local rape crisis centre. Or your GP who will be able to refer you on to relevant professionals.

You need some advice about what to say to your son and what your legal rights are and your son may need some support. You might want some too, it's not too late.

Alwaysthebadguy · 15/02/2016 22:28

I'd actually go to the police.

This man is a rapist and now he is taking your child without consent. Why the hell did your child even go with him?

This is actually pretty serious.

TwatMagnet · 15/02/2016 22:31

I agree with Always. If looked at in the cold light of day this might be classed as some kind of kidnap. Your son doesn't know him from Adam. Anyone could go up to him and pretend to be his father. It's all quite scary - I do think you should at least get advice from the Police.

blueturtle6 · 16/02/2016 07:28

It isn't to late to go to the police, understandable why you didn't at the time, but he shouldn't get away with this. No advice on how to tell your DS, maybe if you get advice they'll also help him. Flowers

Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 08:03

Thanks everyone Thanks

OP posts:
OohMavis · 16/02/2016 08:09

I agree with TwatMagnet.

The police will take this seriously, I think. He's never met him before, never had your permission to take him from school and is a sex offender.

Has he been living locally all this time, has he seen you around with DS?

OohMavis · 16/02/2016 08:10

I would also, if possible, be picking him up from school from now on. And notifying the school.

Trufflethewuffle · 16/02/2016 08:55

Can you be absolutely sure it was him and not some other random weirdo? How can you describe someone so accurately after 12 years?

Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 09:03

I'm not sure if he has seen us around... I've not noticed

He described a certain tattoo, so unless a stranger has the exact same then maybe, but all seems like it's him

OP posts:
Marynary · 16/02/2016 09:12

I would go to the police as he had no right to take him to Costa or anywhere else. He doesn't have any legal rights as he is not on the birth certificate.

He would have to go to court to get parental responsibility. Try to get as much professional advice and help as possible from police/solicitor/rape crisis.

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