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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

really need some advice regarding dc's father - aibu or him?

60 replies

user1455564583 · 15/02/2016 20:07

Hi really need some advice but not sure who to ask and have just stumbled apon this site.

I had DS when I was 16, I was 'forced' and found things very hard.

His father never looked back, obviously.

He is not 12 (my ds) and has been having more and more questions, I have tried phrasing it the best I can but he really would love a dad as all his friends keep bragging about the lovely things they do together.

Ds didn't return from school one day, I went out looking and he was outside school and he told me about how his dad had taken him out to Costa, etc. I was absolutely fuming. At first I assumed it was someone grooming him, but I got him to describe him and it was him.

There is not court case or anything so I'm not sure what his dad's rights are/how 2 explain things to him, thanks xxx

OP posts:
chillycurtains · 16/02/2016 09:21

Was he ever prosecuted for forcing you? I wonder if not if it will be difficult to keep him away. I don't think you need to be on the birth certificate to get parental rights as you can have dna tests to prove it.

I wonder if social services would help? You obviously need to keep this man away from you both. Check that he has not made other plans to meet your son or given him a mobile phone or taken his number.
Flowers for you OP. I can only imagine you are feeling.

Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 09:26

Thank you

No he wasn't prosecuted :(

OP posts:
Marynary · 16/02/2016 09:30

Was he ever prosecuted for forcing you? I wonder if not if it will be difficult to keep him away. I don't think you need to be on the birth certificate to get parental rights as you can have dna tests to prove it.

You do have to be on the birth certificate. The only other way is for him to go to court. Considering the circumstances and that has never had any previous contact with the child, I'm not sure that he would be given any rights.

Daryan · 16/02/2016 09:35

How did your son find the man?

Or, how did the man find your son, if you've never had any contact?

floppyjogger · 16/02/2016 09:44

Your Ds is 12 now so will almost certainly be given a choice about contact if you choose the legal route.

What a horrible situation to be in. Have you been honest with him about his conception because you could very well inadvertently push him closer to his Father if you just forbid contact with no explanation.

12 is a very awkward age but 13, 14 and 15 are worse when it comes to angst and confusion in the teen years without a situation like this being thrown into the mix Flowers

Trufflethewuffle · 16/02/2016 09:49

Was your son aware of the distinctive tattoo before this meeting?

Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 09:52

No Truffle and I don't know how he found us

OP posts:
Trufflethewuffle · 16/02/2016 09:57

I just wondered if it was possible that your son made it up as it seems from your op that meeting up with his dad to do fun things is something that he is craving at the moment.
Do you and the father have any mutual friends?

ricketytickety · 16/02/2016 10:12

This is definitely a police matter. You could tell your son that this man was not nice to you and that you want to protect him as he is dangerous. Warn him that he can be physically unpredictable. You will need to tell the school too. Can you/someone collect your son from school? He has no rights as he has no parental rights and is a stranger to your son. He is also dangerous. There are ways to warn your son without telling him the awful truth. At least he can bear it in ind if he does go off with him again. But in the meantime, police and possibly a restraining order?

whimsical1975 · 16/02/2016 10:15

I really think you need to have a long talk with your DS! The most worrying thing about all of this is that he just went off with a complete stranger claiming to be his father!!!! He could have been anyone!!! Even if it was his father he could now be a mass muderer now for all anyone knows. Your DS needs to understand, in no uncertain terms, that he cannot go anywhere with anyone but you (unless you tell him otherwise beforehand!!).

Have a safe word that only the person coming to fetch him will know e.g. Volcano. If the person doesn't know the safe word then he doesn't go and he never tells anyone what that word is!!!!

I'm really sorry for what's happened to you... you seem to have worked really hard at raising your son alone despite the very difficult start you had.

wannaBe · 16/02/2016 10:19

I would definitely seek some legal advice, however I would also consider the possibility that your DS actually sought contact with this man and has potentially been the instigator in the meeting between them.

the very fact that he said that he'd met his dad and they'd been out to a cafe would ring alarm bells for me that he was A, aware that the meeting was going to take place, and B, had actually instigated it in some way, especially given he has been asking more and more questions lately. Most twelve year olds wouldn't even conceive of the idea of wandering off to a coffee shop with a complete stranger who identified as their father (or some other long lost relative) if they weren't comfortable with the idea.

I would be asking your son honestly whether A, he had instigated contact with his father and B, what if any contact there had been before the coffee shop meeting took place.

It just doesn't ring true to me that a man would show up at a school, find the right child, introduce himself as the child's father and off they would trot to a coffee shop and back before you arrived to collect him.

It seems almost certain to me that your DS had knowledge of this meeting before it happened and that they have been in contact possibly for a time before that, hence how he knew what your DS looked like.

Bearing in mind that if he's twelve he's at secondary, so finding the one child out of 6/700 plus at the secondary school gates would be no mean feet, especially if you'd never seen that child before.

Marynary · 16/02/2016 10:40

Could they have communicated online prior to meeting? You mention that this man has never looked back but have you kept an eye on where he is/what he is doing over the years?
Definitely contact the police. I am sure they will take it very seriously and they may be able to give you some information about this man e.g. does he have a criminal record.

Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 10:48

There isn't a way of my son knowing who he is though, so I don't see how he could have possibly spoken to him first and thank you everyone for your advice

OP posts:
GloGirl · 16/02/2016 10:58

I'd phone the NSPCC, there might be a charity they can advise or your legal rights.

Start kicking up a stink, right now to get this guy as far away as possible.

abbsismyhero · 16/02/2016 12:18

i would call the police you dont know for certain who he is

can i ask did you ever report the crime? (you dont have to answer if you dont want to)

you probably need to tell your son in an age appropriate way what has happened and why you dont want him involved with your life

i would be concerned he has got his side of the story in first and anything i said would contradict that

try the nspcc about how to tell your son?

Flowers
Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 12:35

No, I didn't report it, it was a difficult time. I told everyone that I was just stupid and all... So when I wanted to tell the police, they thought I was wanting people to feel sorry for me because I 'decided' to get pregnant, and it's too late now.

Thanks all

OP posts:
Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 16/02/2016 12:59

I would be getting the police involved.

Lightbulbon · 16/02/2016 13:05

He abducted your ds-phone the police!!

And have a word with ds about wandering off with strangers.

If he approaches ds again get an injunction.

Does he know where you live?

Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 13:07

I don't think he knows where we live, but I didn't think he even knew ds

OP posts:
Alwaysthebadguy · 16/02/2016 13:09

No one that matters will think that now. If they do - they are no friend to you or your son.

Please think about going to the police. This guy is dangerous. No sane adult would just take a child of the street with out letting any one know or asking you. He was letting you know he is still in control. Protect your ds by calling the police

GloGirl · 16/02/2016 13:09

I'm sorry, if he's found your son and found his school, he probably knows where you live.

Speak to the police.

Alwaysthebadguy · 16/02/2016 13:10

He knows where you live.

How did he find your ds at that specific time and recognise him? This is serious

Original poster
user1455564583 · 16/02/2016 13:12

Oh don't say that

I can't have that stress

Should I go to a hotel?

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 16/02/2016 13:16

Are you or your son on Facebook OP? I'm wondering if tahrs how god found your son. I think you need to sit your son down and have a chat. I honestly think your son knew he was going to be there.

PovertyPain · 16/02/2016 13:17

How HE found your son, not god. I've no idea what horned there. Confused

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