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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to eat together and have manners?

54 replies

sharond101 · 08/02/2016 22:25

DH and ds (3) were at mil visiting yesterday morning. I made lunch in advance and put it on the table as ds often insists on eating as soon as he gets home from anywhere. They don't usually return until 12.30 or so and I went upstairs to breastfeed dd when they came home early at 11.45. They then both had lunch without me. I said I was upset about this and was told I was being ridiculous. Tonight at dinner we had a buffet style meal and there was a plate put aside with cookies ds and I had baked. As soon as he was finished, well before me or ds, dh took a cookie and began eating it. I suggested he wait on us and he lost the plot asking why and disagreeing it was bad manners. Opinions, although it sounds petty now I have to admit!

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 08/02/2016 22:28

Yanbu about them eating lunch without you, that's horrible. Why didn't your dh call you? I'd be inclined to overlook the nabbing if a cookie in other circumstances but can understand you were upset after the lunch.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 08/02/2016 22:34

Yabu, are you really upset that your 3yo ate without you? You were busy bf, they were hungry so I can't see what's the problem. Also the cookie thing seems a bit controlling over food, can't see the big deal.

Original poster
sharond101 · 08/02/2016 22:37

I don't mind so much the 3 year old, although it was dh who asked if he was coming to have lunch, but since I had laid the table for all of us and prepared lunch I'd have thought dh would have waited for me.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 08/02/2016 22:39

YABU, you were breastfeeding, they didn't disturb you, that was considerate. Expecting a hungry 3 year old to hang on until you are finished is silly.

And as for the cookie, as long as he didn't take them all I don't see the problem. Particularly as it was a buffet. Sometimes for Sunday lunch, weekend meals, it's nice to sit down properly. But, especially as your family grows and starts doing different things, it's sensible to have some flexibility.

YellowTulips · 08/02/2016 22:52

YANBU

At home we sit down for dinner/lunch together. If pudding is on the menu it's taken after everyone has finished their main course.

We all leave the table together - not just as and when each individual has finished eating.

It's basic good manners.

Some people won't care - that's fine, they don't live with me Grin

StrumpersPlunkett · 08/02/2016 22:57

Yanbu all would have been so easy for him to pop upstairs and say
Freddiekins is hungry how are you getting on.
You would probably told him to feed the three year old and asked him to wait for you

Communication is the key really.
For our family we are very much a sit together at the table. Wait till everyone is finished kind of household. But am well aware that not everyone does this.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2016 22:57

Tbh I wouldn't have put lunch on the table until I'd finished feeding the baby. If your 3yr old 'insists' on eating as soon as he gets home, it'll do him good to learn to wait a little while.

I think if my DH had laid out lunch for me and our DS, I would assume he wanted us to crack on and eat it.

The cookie thing is a bit silly though, what would be the point in waiting?

Original poster
sharond101 · 08/02/2016 22:58

Thank you I appreciate the honesty.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/02/2016 23:25

Why do you go upstairs to feed the baby?

arethereanyleftatall · 08/02/2016 23:31

I guess if your ds insists on eating as soon as he gets in, and you were otherwise engaged upstairs, your dh didn't have much choice.
Re the cookie thing, I don't mind this; we prefer to live in a more relaxed environment rather than adhering to rules for the sake of etiquette in my own home. And I really don't mean that in a mine is better than yours kind of way, just a different way!

AliMonkey · 08/02/2016 23:38

I would find it rude that your DH didn't at least pop up to speak to you and see how long you would be, particularly as sounds like it was him who instigated the eating not DS. Also agree re the cookie - polite to wait until main course finished by everyone before starting on pudding.

But then I get regularly annoyed by DH not coming to the table when told meal is ready - usually having also had a five minute warning. I both find it rude in itself and get annoyed by what it is teaching the DC. I also have to remind him sometimes that he shouldn't get his phone out at the table. All what I think of as basic good manners but I guess a lot of it depends on the way you were brought up.

BackforGood · 08/02/2016 23:38

I think if the lunch is there, waiting on the table, then it was perfectly reasonable to tuck into it - you could have been some time.
Generally, I like to sit and eat together as a family, but if you are breastfeeding on demand, then it might not always work out that way. I don't think it's worth getting worked up about.

redskirt3 · 08/02/2016 23:41

YANBU. He is. Terrible behaviour.

MillionToOneChances · 08/02/2016 23:41

ds often insists on eating as soon as he gets home from anywhere

YABU about this lunch, but not about the cookie.

RabbitSaysWoof · 08/02/2016 23:48

I think it was rude. YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2016 23:54

Nobody had 'pudding'.

They had a buffet style dinner and there was some biscuits there too.

So he ate his buffet food and then ate a biscuit.

As it wasn't a 'formal' meal, I can't see a problem.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2016 23:54

*were Blush

Jesabel · 08/02/2016 23:59

Sounds like you're being a bit petty - lunch was on the table and you'd disappeared off somewhere.
Don't see the problem with eating a biscuit during a buffet meal either.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/02/2016 00:00

I get where you are coming from. You want to have family meals like you probably had yourself growing up. Did your dh have regular family meals? I found growing up that having that family mealtime and order around food was a great bonding time and kept it going with my own family. But missing out here and there won't destroy that and things do get thrown up in the air a bit when breastfeeding comes into the equation.

Katenka · 09/02/2016 02:09

I think Yabu. You say you made lunch as ds insists on eating as soon as he comes in. You either both let that behaviour happen (ie ensure his lunch is available) or don't.

Your intention was that he would eat as soon as he came in. Surely you heard them come in and knew ds would want to eat straight away.

The cookie thing, again Yabu. You had a buffet style tea then told an adult he couldn't have a biscuit until you were ready for one. I would have been pissed off too. I'd it was a sit down meal I may feel slightly differently.

It's not like it made a difference to you.

LycheesAtNoon · 09/02/2016 04:29

YABU and rather petty.

Don't put lunch out if you want them to wait. You say DS can't wait, did you expect him to eat immediately but DH not to eat with him?

Re biscuits, it was a buffet style meal not a meal with courses. Would have been different if he'd taken a hot dessert out of oven and started eating it.

Try to relax around meals. If you want them to wait, say so! Or bring the biscuits out later.

In general I feel it's polite to wait until everyone's served, but in first scenario you were busy upstairs and it looked like you had invited them to eat by setting it out. In that scenario I would expect them to eat first. Why keep them hungry while you feed baby? Couldn't you feed baby while eating if you wanted to eat together?

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 09/02/2016 05:51

Did DH know you were at home and what you were doing? Did he just sit down and ignore you?

As a PP said, it is about communication. DH and you should have discussed timings as soon as he got home.

Lightbulbon · 09/02/2016 06:41

You're getting quite uptight about a non issue.

Relax. Life is short.

Are you generally an anxious/high maintenance person?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/02/2016 06:55

DH should have come to find you when he got home. They shouldn't have started lunch without at least asking if you were available.

The cookie was part of the buffet. I think yabu.

WipsGlitter · 09/02/2016 07:03

It all sounds a bit like hard work - discussing and communicating about a bit of lunch!

YABU

Have you had any issues with food in the past?

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