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AIBU?

To expect to eat together and have manners?

54 replies

sharond101 · 08/02/2016 22:25

DH and ds (3) were at mil visiting yesterday morning. I made lunch in advance and put it on the table as ds often insists on eating as soon as he gets home from anywhere. They don't usually return until 12.30 or so and I went upstairs to breastfeed dd when they came home early at 11.45. They then both had lunch without me. I said I was upset about this and was told I was being ridiculous. Tonight at dinner we had a buffet style meal and there was a plate put aside with cookies ds and I had baked. As soon as he was finished, well before me or ds, dh took a cookie and began eating it. I suggested he wait on us and he lost the plot asking why and disagreeing it was bad manners. Opinions, although it sounds petty now I have to admit!

OP posts:

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BoboChic · 09/02/2016 14:43

Indeed, Bertrand, DD does conservatoire (on Saturdays), piano and lots of shows. And what are the holidays for? Ski-ing the week after next...

Katenka · 09/02/2016 14:29

Though tbh the DC are fairly academic and wouldn't compromise their academic stuff for highly involved sport.

That doesn't make sense.

My dd is academic. She also takes part in sport and the school choir, drama and music.

Her education isn't compromised because she does extra curricular activities.

I am not sure why you would assume otherwise.

I get that dinner at 8pm is important to you(not sure how you enforce everyone to have lunch at 1pm, unless they are all at home all day everyday) but kids whoop not have a schedule for dinner are not missing out on family time or on school.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2016 13:41

Bobochic has managed to remove the dance/drama/sport/music gene from her children. If she could only market the technique many of our lives would be much easier!

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 13:09

No, I'm not. Though tbh the DC are fairly academic and wouldn't compromise their academic stuff for highly involved sport.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2016 13:06

Sorry to derail a bit, but bobochic - are you saying that if, for example, your dc wanted to play a sport to a good level, (ie a club that requires evening training), they couldn't because they have to sit down to dinner at 8?

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 09:57

I'm not telling anyone else to do it my way. I'm just saying it's perfectly possible. And none of us lack for hobbies ;)

Katenka · 09/02/2016 09:54

Between both my kids and me competing in sports and dds choir, our house would be chaos for you bobo

Nothing wrong with how you do if everyone likes it that way.

But my point was that it wouldn't work for me, having Such strict rules around food and meal times.

May not work for the ops dh in this case too

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 09:44

No of course not. There is Wednesday afternoon for sports fixtures. the school day is 8-6.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2016 09:38

Gosh. So no Scouts, sports clubs, parties?

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 09:36

In our family we would never have regular commitments outside the home in the evening - the DC have always had homework and long school days that preclude evening activities and miscellany (work, social life) crops up pretty often.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2016 09:30

Gosh. Not sure how you would cope with our lives. We love sitting down to eat together, and we do it whenever we can. But this week, for example, Ds has commitments on 3 nights which means he has to eat either before 5 or after 9. DP won't be home til past 10 on two nights, and I will be out from 7 til 9.30 on two nights. It's a busy week, but pretty typical.

In the OP's case, it seems a bit odd that nobody came to find her but it also seems a bit odd to me that she went upstairs to feed the baby, rather than plonking herself on the sofa to chat while somebody brought her lunch.

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 08:51

That doesn't happen, Bertrand, unless they are going out to dinner.

If DP and I go out to dinner the DC sometimes eat a bit earlier. But they would never dream of not sitting down together.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2016 08:49

"FWIW in this household lunch is at 1pm, dinner at 8pm and no-one serves themselves until everyone else has finished their course"

What happens to people who can't be there at 8?

Katenka · 09/02/2016 08:36

In our household mealtimes are an appointment for a family conversation as much as a refueling session.

they are in ours.

But we don't have set times. If someone wants to eat earlier that's fine. We generally all hang out in the kitchen anyway. So are all there. One person may just be eating.

Being rigid about meal times does not mean that you chat more than those who who don't have strict rules.

If we are having a buffet, the idea is to help yourself to what you want and sit together to eat it. What order it's eaten in doesn't bother me. I couldn't live being so strict over food

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 08:30

In our household mealtimes are an appointment for a family conversation as much as a refueling session.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 09/02/2016 08:24

Yanbu why didn't your dh call up to you?! Or pop some snacky bits on a plate and bring them up to you as you were busy? Stuff like this feels so rude and inconsiderate. And you wouldn't let your 3yo take a cookie while everybody is still eating their savoury meal, so i don't think your husband should be either. It's bad mannered.

Katenka · 09/02/2016 08:24

FWIW in this household lunch is at 1pm, dinner at 8pm and no-one serves themselves until everyone else has finished their course.

I appreciate that works for you.

But we couldn't live with such strict rule about food.

Especially when it's a buffet. You can have what you want off the buffet as long as it's not classified as a dessert. You must wait.

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 08:09

OP - you and your DH are not on the same page about table manners. You need to sit down and discuss this issue and make up your minds or you will feel very resentful.

FWIW in this household lunch is at 1pm, dinner at 8pm and no-one serves themselves until everyone else has finished their course.

mumeeee · 09/02/2016 08:03

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Lunch was on the table ready to eat so I presume your DH thought you wanted them to get on with it. If you didn't want them to you should have just got it later. Yes maybe your DH should have called up to you but I don't think it's a big deal to start without you.
As for the buffet style meal taking a cookie and eating it before others have finished their savory part is perfectly normal in our family. That's what you do at buffets.
If it had been a more formal sit down meal then yes we would wait before starting desert.

ABetaDad1 · 09/02/2016 08:02

I am quiet a stickler for proper eating times together with proper manners so I can see where the OP is coming from

Still fighting the battle on this with DSs age 14 and 16 on occasions.

When they were younger we did allow the DSs to eat separately from us if they were hungry and we were having something more formal that we wanted to take our time over (e.g a Sunday lunch). they still eat separately from us in the evening straight after coming home form school as they are usually very hungry but we do go and sit with them as we don't eat n the evening.

Muskateersmummy · 09/02/2016 07:52

This depends for me, do you usually all sit down together? If so I would have liked my dh to have called up to see if I wanted them to wait for me. That said food out on the table and then expecting a 3 yo to wait for you is a bit much. If you don't normally eat all together then I can't see why this time would have upset you.

As for the cookie. It's a bit rude to not wait for everyone to finish before attacking the sweet stuff but it was a buffet style thingy so not a hanging offence.

I wouldn't be gettin stressed about either of these tbh.

purplefizz26 · 09/02/2016 07:50

You sound a bit controlling about food tbh.

Yes it's nice to eat together but if other people are hungry, the food is ready but one person is busy, why should everyone else wait?

Cookie thing is ridiculous, again, why should someone wait to eat their cookie until you are ready for yours?!

Relax and allow some flexibility, your DH comes across wound up with it from your OP.

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Only1scoop · 09/02/2016 07:40

So it's your 3yo who 'insists' on eating when they get home or your 'dh'?

I'd be teaching DC that's not always the score

Only1scoop · 09/02/2016 07:39

If they want to eat lunch at 11.45 I wouldn't be wanting to join them.

What time would supper be 3 pm

AlanPacino · 09/02/2016 07:35

If the biscuits were on the table and he took one I wouldn't have accused him of bad manners in front of ds. I'd be a bit peeved if my DH accused me of bad manners over something so small. Do you often clash about etiquette?

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