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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worming out of a hen do

69 replies

skyofdiamonds · 06/02/2016 13:41

So, I did a previous thread a few months back about being invited to an evening do 4 hours away, that I swerved out of.

Anyway, she asked if I'd like to go to the hen do quoting 'it's just a night out in XXXXX'. This is a 2 hour journey for me. I thought I may as well go, as it would be nice to see her and doesn't sound too expensive.

Anyway, it turns out that they are renting an 8 bed house for the night (in city centre), having a cocktail making lesson, going for a meal and then a night out.
Obviously you have to pay for all those activities. £70 not including any drinks. I then also have to pay for my fuel there and back (2 hour drive each way).

I thought I'd be kipping on hers or someone's floor for the night, and it was JUST a night out, and therefore less expensive. When she said to me it was 'just a night out in xxxx,' I agreed to come.

I really do not think I can afford/justify spending that amount of money, however I already said I'd go.

Please help me find a way to swerve out of this one!!!!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/02/2016 13:42

I'd just say, "Sorry, I can't afford that. Hope you have a great time!"

People who arrange events that cost a lot have to expect others not to want to go. Gah, what happened to a hen night being in the local pubs!

AlwaysHopeful1 · 06/02/2016 13:44

I wouldn't do it for the 4 hour round trip alone. Just tell her you can't afford it, what can she really say to that's

Oysterbabe · 06/02/2016 13:46

There's nothing wrong with just telling the truth.

whois · 06/02/2016 13:48

Just tell her the truth - shit sorry I hadn't realised there were activities, though it was just a night out. Hate to pull out but at the moment I don't have the money. Sorry.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/02/2016 14:31

just say you cant afford it but arrange to meet up maybe the two of you for a meal

i rem your other thread about the 300mile drive for evening do

i would have tried to make a weekend of it/for dp birthday, nice lunch somewhere and the evening do in eve, stay in prem inn etc and drive home sun

tho if she is such a good friend do you not want to try and do either hen do/evening do?

expatinscotland · 06/02/2016 14:45

Tell the truth!

Littlef00t · 06/02/2016 15:29

Well she's the one who changed the goal posts so don't be bashful about changing your mind now you know the full facts.

EponasWildDaughter · 06/02/2016 15:42

Yep, i'd be honest and say you're short of cash at the mo, but maybe you two could get together for a simple meal out sometime soon. Something like that?

Original poster
skyofdiamonds · 06/02/2016 16:28

Blondeshavemorefun, I see what you are saying and I feel so crap about it all, hence posting on here for validation, I guess.

I remind myself though that she did only invite me to the evening do, so she really is not going to miss my presence much, as she will have all her day guests both at the wedding and the hen do.

I guess really it is a financial thing. I would like to go but I would also like to pay off a bit of my credit card, pay my vet bill, give my car a service, afford a holiday this year etc etc. She never mentioned that it was a night of activities costing £££.

Also, I would have to arrange care for my animals (they are not dogs or cats), which is £20 a day!

I have been on a rubbish salary for a whole year, due to taking on a trainee role to better my career in the future. I have JUST been given a 10 grand pay rise (per year) so will be able to live less like a miserable hermit, but this new money can allow me to pay off the debts I've accumulated for being on crap pay in the very first instance.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 06/02/2016 16:34

Yeah just say you're sorry and can't afford it. If you're honest and make it clear you're not just welching then I can't see how there could be any ill will. It might be nice to suggest meeting up with the bride to be for a drink another time as well. Or if you're keen to go could you find out how much the accommodation is? If that's affordable maybe you could just go for the night out.

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 16:35

I don't know why you should feel bad. It's perfectly OK to say you can't afford it after all. Or it's outside your budget. Or you'll see her at the wedding. Or you'll arrange a nice lunch for the two of you.

Any bride to be who gets pissed off because a friend can't afford either of her two lavish hen dos, is not someone I would want as a friend.

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/02/2016 16:42

I do see why you feel awkward, but unless your place has already been booked and will have to be paid for I can't see that she can be angry really?

HackerFucker22 · 06/02/2016 16:46

When is it? Could you develop an illness?

I advocate the truth as well BUT seems like the OP isn't keen on that idea

acasualobserver · 06/02/2016 16:48

I hate these contrived and expensive schemes for jollity. It's the quality of the company not the pricey activities that matters.

Original poster
skyofdiamonds · 06/02/2016 16:51

I am unsure why you think I am not keen on the truth...! Quite funny really if you knew how honest I am, reflected in my career choice and how I am described.

I just wanted to ask opinions, I have not said I want to lie. I want to know if it's reasonable to pull out. I don't want to hurt feelings, and it is a little awkward as I agreed to go in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
skyofdiamonds · 06/02/2016 16:53

I HOPE it hasn't been booked! I did not agree to all those activities, just a night out, so I bloody hope not!

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 16:54

It's completely reasonable to pull out. It's perfectly OK. Just say it's more than you expected when you agreed so you'll have to pull out. You don't need to justify or apologise. No is your answer.

TitClash · 06/02/2016 16:56

Just be assertive and say you thought it was a night out and didnt realise it would be so expensive. You cant afford it. then leave it at that.

MadameDePompom · 06/02/2016 16:56

Honesty is the best policy. Just tell her you can't afford it.

GloGirl · 06/02/2016 16:57

As an evening do guest she's already told you you're not very important. I really wouldn't feel guilty

HackerFucker22 · 06/02/2016 16:59

Yes its perfectly reasonable to pull out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/02/2016 17:00

Developing an illness leaves you paying for your share of the house or asking everyone else to subsidise you - neither is good. Tell her it's out of your budget. If she's a friend she'll be disappointed but understand.

GruntledOne · 06/02/2016 17:04

It sounds pretty grim. I really don't understand this idea that the bride can choose a whole list of expensive things that she wants to do and then expect her friends to pay to join her whether they are things they would enjoy or not.

At most in your situation I'd tell her that I would go for the dinner and nothing more, but I suspect it's not worth even that given the journey and the need to sort out your pets. Don't go.

GigiB · 06/02/2016 17:08

just tell the truth. that you said yes when you thought it was just a night out, and can't afford it. you don't need to lie.

Orangesarenot · 06/02/2016 17:09

I imagine the cocktail making part would be charged per person, as would the meal of course. Could you perhaps drive up so you get there as they are finishing the meal, and just pay for the night out in the city and your share of the house? Hiring a house in a city centre shouldn't come to more than £30pp, and you can just not drink a massive amount? That is close to what you originally agreed to.