Worming out of a hen do

[skyofdiamonds]

So, I did a previous thread a few months back about being invited to an evening do 4 hours away, that I swerved out of.

Anyway, she asked if I'd like to go to the hen do quoting 'it's just a night out in XXXXX'. This is a 2 hour journey for me. I thought I may as well go, as it would be nice to see her and doesn't sound too expensive.

Anyway, it turns out that they are renting an 8 bed house for the night (in city centre), having a cocktail making lesson, going for a meal and then a night out.
Obviously you have to pay for all those activities. £70 not including any drinks. I then also have to pay for my fuel there and back (2 hour drive each way).

I thought I'd be kipping on hers or someone's floor for the night, and it was JUST a night out, and therefore less expensive. When she said to me it was 'just a night out in xxxx,' I agreed to come.

I really do not think I can afford/justify spending that amount of money, however I already said I'd go.

Please help me find a way to swerve out of this one!!!!

I too think it's reasonable for a hen do too.

Is there anyone who'd look after your animals rather than you pay £20 for doing this?

In your shoes I'd speak to bride and say, look this is quite expensive to me, is there any way I can reduce my costs etc? you could suggest a kitty for drinks after the session. Also when is this hen do? If it's soon then just suck it up and pay if not you have time to save up. You do have a 10k pay rise (about a year ago I got an 8k pay rise And I know how much easier it makes life having this extra cash!).

To be fair it sounds as if you're a bit snubbed by only being invited to the evening wedding part and this snub would be in the form of not going to hen do. In which case I'd almost be decided to not go to the evening wedding!

It also, I know saying this, but it sounds as if though you're not that good friends with bride anyway, otherwise you'd have spoken before now, after she'd said about night out you'd have said (I would have done) "look sorry funds are tight this is what I can afford" or you'd even speak to person organising hen do (chief bridesmaid) and relay your concerns.

When I went to SILs hen do in Brighton (meals out, nude life drawing class then staying overnight in a hotel) at first I thought I couldn't afford it or it'd be very expensive. Then we managed some sort of rail deal which helped and rather than a single room we got family suites or twin rooms. It did help that SIL isn't into blind drunk stuff.... I also knew chief bridesmaid (she is now SIL's, SIL as married to SIL's brother) so i knew (but it had all been booked) that she was on a budget but I could've voiced concerns if I'd needed to.

I had to (reluctantly) organise one of these things when I was a bridesmaid. It made me cringe as I am a "pint in a pub" type.

What I did was email everyone the three things planned, the cost, and what had to be paid up front.

I gave a date to respond by.

Lots said they couldn't afford it and that was no biggie. But give plenty notice as organising these things is a nightmare!

Sorry- life drawing classes for a hen night??

I hate that these things turn into judginess of hen nights in general! Doing an activity that is not going to the pub is not automatically bridezilla. Life drawing sounds lovely - cheap, creative, something to talk about.

But I think its only appropriate if you are all interested in sketching the human form, not seeing a nudie man on a hen night.

My issue here is the OP said 'yes', knowing (come on, we all know what is involved in hen do's nowadays) that it would involve spending money. If she had just had a think about this properly at the time it would have saved this whole hassle.

There will be a bridesmaid out there, who, if you end up 'worming out', will have to cancel bookings for you, re-look for accommodation, and possibly absorb some of the cost.

Yes it is easy for you to duck out. But it's your fault for not asking what it involved and getting an idea of costs in the first place.

Finally, you really think that some stranger woul let you kip on their floor?? Very odd.

Oh right, yes, I see what you mean, I agree it would be inapprop if it were treated as an opportunity to giggle at nudity.

No vulgar, it is still optional if it's going to stretch you financially.

MissBattleaxe - Of course optional. It was optional when the bridesmaid asked whether she wanted to go. Now it is time to cough up and go, it is bad manners to pull out.

MissBattleaxe the life drawing classes were for a hen afternoon on a weekend.

SIL and her then SIL to be are both very arty (SIL has double first in art history from Oxford uni and works as manager of William Morris gallery and her SIL is very arty too so we visited royal pavilion in Brighton too. We'd had a few drinks before the nude life drawing class and apparently a few hen days do this too.

theycallme the life drawing wasn't that cheap actually! But different. During the day we did summer Brighton stuff and in the evening usual tacky nightclub and hotel stay. We just wanted (or hen did) a classy or half classy time rather than pure drunkeness involving strippers etc.

Also we didn't giggle at the nudity (well a little bit but most were happy just draw - the man looked like a rock star Michael Hutchence type all long curly hair but not my cup of tea looks wise (I love Hutchence though!).

op has a dp (whose birthday falls on the wedding day) so why cant he looks after the animals

but if you really cant afford the £70 then tell her

Now it is time to cough up and go, it is bad manners to pull out.

No, it's bad manners to expect friends to cough up more than they can afford and make them feel bad if they can't manage to.

Hen Do's do not have to be expensive so why would you assume that? vulgarbunting

Mine (2yrs ago) was 2 x 'meal in the local pub' for two different groups of friends and no-one was obliged to attend. In fact, I really didn't want a hen do at all but my friends insisted.

Phone your friend and just tell her that you hadn't expected the additional costs and you haven't budgeted for it. If you've told her about your pay rise, she might have assumed money wasn't so tight now but you just need to be absolutely clear that it's not financially viable.

But surely any normal person thinks to themselves 'hen do's vary massively, I'll find out what is involved and how much it costs before I agree'.

In this case the OP has screwed herself over by making a number of (what I consider) odd assumptions ('someone will just let me kip on their floor').

Of course it is bad manners to assume people will come. But in this case, the bridesmaid has asked whether she would like to be involved (not pressured), and the OP has said yes.

Sorry I can't reply to all of the comments.

Regarding gogobododogogo person... I did NOT know there was a meal, nor did I know there was a house. I only knew it was small night out in some clubs we used to party in. Therefore, I was not prepared for the cost of the meal, lesson, house on top of the night out itself.

In a previous comment I divulged my financial status. I won't repeat myself.

Regarding the animals. My DP couldn't, seeing as they are horses. Animals aren't an issue for the wedding, as they would have been out for the summer at that point, but they are in for the Winter currently and will be at the time of this event.

I have not stated anywhere that it is an unreasonable amount of money. I have stated I cannot justify the money. I have not stated she is a bridezilla. She is not, there has clearly just been a miscommunication.

another reply.

The bride herself asked me. She did not mention the other costs. I agreed and she said the BM would be in touch for more details.

2 weeks later she messaged me with the finite plans, which is where I have realised the outlay. I have not agreed to anything she has proposed.

I used to live in the place it is happening with the bride. I regularly visited and slept on their floor, so not really a huge shocker to be honest, when the night was played down to be so basic.