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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worming out of a hen do

69 replies

skyofdiamonds · 06/02/2016 13:41

So, I did a previous thread a few months back about being invited to an evening do 4 hours away, that I swerved out of.

Anyway, she asked if I'd like to go to the hen do quoting 'it's just a night out in XXXXX'. This is a 2 hour journey for me. I thought I may as well go, as it would be nice to see her and doesn't sound too expensive.

Anyway, it turns out that they are renting an 8 bed house for the night (in city centre), having a cocktail making lesson, going for a meal and then a night out.
Obviously you have to pay for all those activities. £70 not including any drinks. I then also have to pay for my fuel there and back (2 hour drive each way).

I thought I'd be kipping on hers or someone's floor for the night, and it was JUST a night out, and therefore less expensive. When she said to me it was 'just a night out in xxxx,' I agreed to come.

I really do not think I can afford/justify spending that amount of money, however I already said I'd go.

Please help me find a way to swerve out of this one!!!!

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 17:10

Yep. If someone tells you they can't afford, there's nothing you can do but suck it up. She can't MAKE you afford it. It's "no, sorry, it's more money than I'd budgeted for and I'd have to pay for animal cover. Have a great time! Buh-bye."

No true friend would or should take offence.

theycallmemellojello · 06/02/2016 17:10

I don't think it sounds "grim"! One organised activity and a meal then drinks isn't really terrible, it's pretty standard for a stag/hen do. If people are coming from far off the bride prob feels she has to do something with them in the daytime as well as the evening, hence activity. I think it's fine to bow out, but don't think this is bridezilla territory.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/02/2016 17:12

You need to just be honest and say you can't spare the money. I enjoy going out but no way would agree to that.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 06/02/2016 17:13

Having gone on a hen night that I knew, in my gut feeling, was OTT and too expensive, don't go!!

I really didn't enjoy it, spent too much and then found out there was a cheaper second hen do a week or so later, for those who couldn't afford it/hadn't been invited to the main one. Shock Angry

Bloody stupid, the whole thing!

GogoGobo · 06/02/2016 17:14

I feel sorry for the bride to be. Your OP title says it all really. Worming out. I think £70 for a hen do is about as cheap as it's going to get! Hardly a bank breaker! Perhaps suggest she goes to a pub and everyone has a round of sandwiches and a bag of crisps and two drinks. Oh wait, the petrol costs! Why not ask her just to Skype you all!

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 17:21

I think that's unreasonable of you GogoGobo. Nobody has to spend £70 on any night out and the OP pointed out that the £70 does not include any drinks at all. Plus it will cost her £20 for animal care, and the petrol for a four hour round trip. Plus nearer the wedding, the cost of attending and a gift.

It is not a birthright to expect people to attend and pay for attending your hen do. If you ask me, the consumerism and greed has turned into an obscene circus and remember that this is the second hen do the bride to be is having.

Nobody is saying the bride should do it on the cheap ( a bag of crisps? come on!) , but nobody is saying attendance is compulsory.

lorelei9 · 06/02/2016 17:37

OP I agree you can say it's too expensive. Honestly you could get 2 courses in a nice place in London for less than half that, if you were imagining it would be £25 without booze as you're driving, I would totally understand.

I agree that as you only had an invite for the wedding evening party, it's not going to be hugely important to her anyway for you to attend. Why not say you will meet her for a drink another time and you'll have more quality chat time anyway.

paxillin · 06/02/2016 17:38

It is important to tell her soon before she books all the stuff. Just tell her you'd understood "just a night out" to be just that and you don't have that sort of money.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/02/2016 17:41

Tell her the truth. If you decide to book an activity filled day like that, knowing how much it will cost people, you have to accept not everyone will be able to afford it.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/02/2016 17:42

If you've only found out about all the activities and the cost its perfectly reasonable to say no, but do it right now.

If you have known all along about the activities and its in the next couple of weeks and likely to be booked or they need the numbers to be affordable then YAabitU leaving it late to decline and will need to accept she may be a bit dissapointed, but Id still say no if you have debts you need to clear.

GogoGobo · 06/02/2016 19:01

But missbattleaxes the op already thought she would be paying for petrol/animal care/meal and drinks when she confirmed her attendance so the only extra seems to be the cocktail making thing. Why not just go for the meal and drinks as agreed? Additionally OP has already declined attendance to the wedding (evening do) so no cost there. So for about £40 she could get a night out and share in the celebrations with a pal. And that's too much??

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 19:04

It's not about the price, it's about the fact that hen dos are optional. Nobody HAS to go.

Out of interest, did you recently get married Gogo?

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 19:06

I didn;t realsie the first "do" Op declined was the wedding.

The event will not cost £40. It will cost £70 PLUS petrol, PLUS drinks.

toastedbeagle · 06/02/2016 19:07

I hate it when hen dos get crazy expensive. I had to pay £35 to go to a cocktail class whilst 5 months pregnant and unable to drink anything. Bloody ridiculous.

GogoGobo · 06/02/2016 19:36

I agree miss battleaxes nobody has to go on a hen do and they are indeed optional.
But the OP said yes and now she has found out there is a cocktail class she wants to worm out of it instead of saying "ah sorry I'd only budgeted to come for dinner and drinks so do you mind if I stick to just this part of the celebrations?"

I got married 10 years ago and didn't have a hen do, just had dinner with my family the night before.
I just feel people are quick to call "bridezilla" and yet I see this as a bit of a guestzilla!

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/02/2016 19:49

Tbh if it's 70 plus drinks that's not bad for a meal and nights accommodation. Plus cocktails lesson

Agree if you were planning to go anyway then you would have been paging for petrol

Why can't dp look after pets?

You didn't bring that up when was the wedding evening do?

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 20:31

It's 70 for the house rental and cocktail class. Add a meal and drinks and petrol and animal care and it soon adds up.

evelynj · 06/02/2016 22:23

Could you just go for a few drinks or meal after the cocktail class & not stay in the house? That way you'd still feel involved & miss the expense

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/02/2016 22:29

I read it as package was cottage cocktail lesson and meal being £70
Plus drinks

Charley50 · 06/02/2016 22:53

Why don't you just join them for the meal and get the train home? Or if she isn't a close friend, don't go and don't worry about it.

Fedup83 · 06/02/2016 23:12

To be honest I think that's reasonable for a hen do and not going is letting her down.

Bunbaker · 06/02/2016 23:48

"To be honest I think that's reasonable for a hen do"

It's all relative though. It's reasonable compared to a weekend in Majorca, but not compared to a meal out without drinks. £70 for an evening out is a lot of money to lots of people.

BillSykesDog · 06/02/2016 23:57

Just tell her the truth, you can't afford it. Ask if she would like to go for a night out just the two of you some time for dinner and drinks or something.

I don't understand why people do all this crap anyway. What happened to a nice night out, a few drinks and a bit of a dance then airbeds back at the brides for those who travelled?

It's so sad, because it seems to be some sort of competition to prove that your friends are wealthy enough to keep up with your lifestyle to be in your social circle these days. Surely it should be about just spending time with your friends?

I find it a bit of an outdated tradition anyway. Given that most couples have lived together anyway and women don't expect to be chained to the kitchen sink anyway, very little will change after they marry about how they socialise. So there's nothing to say 'goodbye' too as far as single life goes.

MissBattleaxe · 07/02/2016 11:24

I totally agree Bill Sykes. As the reason for them becomes more flimsy, the lavishness seems to have quadrupled. It puts really unfair financial pressure on people. You only have to glance at Mumsnet to fine loads of threads where people feel pressured into going to expensive hen events. People feel bad about saying no and they feel they have to spend too much to save face and not look like the one who couldn't afford to go.

Bunbaker · 07/02/2016 11:27

If everyone who felt pressurised into going to expensive events/hen dos etc could find the courage to tell the host that they can't afford to go then they wouldn't happen so often. I would have absolutely no problem telling someone if I couldn't afford to go to something and would not feel at all guilt tripped into going.