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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being overly sensitive? (Best friends wedding)

51 replies

Abitupset2016 · 31/01/2016 20:49

I got married last year and had my closest friends and sister as bridesmaids but as we had a very small and informal wedding they didn't have to wear bridesmaids dresses etc.
One of them is a hairdresser and so she did my hair and make up for me. She is probably my closest friend and came with me to pick my wedding dress and shoes and arranged my hen do.

She is getting married this year but hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid as her future mil is kicking up a fuss about the grooms sister not being a bridesmaid so she is only having her sister to try and keep the peace. I wasn't overly fussed but she isn't involving me in her wedding at all.
She didn't invite me dress shopping and won't tell me anything about the dress she has picked. She hasn't actually told me much about the wedding at all.

I'm not going to say anything to her because I don't want her to think I am being negative about her wedding but I am actually quite upset. I need to arrange transport for the day of the wedding but don't know if I am going to be getting ready with her or if she just wants me to go straight to the venue. I don't really get all the fuss about weddings and was very laid back when it came to mine but I had her involved in every stage of my wedding as it was really nice to have her there. We had fun getting ready and she really helped me ease my nerves.

Am I being overly sensitive or does she sound like she is being a bridezilla?

Thanks

OP posts:
Shirkingfromhome · 31/01/2016 20:54

Your friend is probably stuck between a rock and a hard place. I imagine she is trying to keep everyone happy and the easiest way is to not tell anyone anything apart from her sister.

Ask her about the arrangements for the day but if you are not a bridesmaid then expect to be told that she will see you at the wedding venue. It's a shame but if she doesn't want her SIL involved then this is probably the only way she can do it.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 31/01/2016 20:58

I don't think she sounds like a bridezilla at all.

She obviously just wants to do things differently to you.

I can see why you feel upset but I do think you are being a bit sensitive, different strokes for different folks and all that.

Witchend · 31/01/2016 21:11

I think she's just trying to stop getting hassle from mil. If she starts involving you she's going to get it from her isn't she?

Not quite sure why you think you'd go to the wedding together though? If you're not bm then you wouldn't. Has she suggested you would?

Birdsgottafly · 31/01/2016 21:20

You're supposed to be at and seated at the venue (depending on what it is) well before the Bride arrives.

So realistically if your not getting in one of the cars, you won't be getting ready with her.

She might want her dress to be kept a secret, until the day.

Many on here won't agree with her right to do that, but it is her choice to make.

If you "don't get the fuss about Weddings" and haven't been asking her about her plans, then she might think if she went on about it, you would think her a 'Wedding Bore', or put a dampener on things?

SaucyJack · 31/01/2016 21:24

I don't think she sounds Bridezilla.

I think your idea of a laid-back relaxed wedding involved passing on a fair bit of the labour costs to your friend, and perhaps she didn't enjoy it quite as much as you and wants different for her own wedding.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/01/2016 21:26

She's doing her wedding the way she wants.

It's a shame for you that she's not doing it like you but you need to stop letting it upset you.

228agreenend · 31/01/2016 21:27

It was very nice for you to involve her in your wedding, but that doesn't mean she has to reciprocate. By the sound of it, she is only involving immediate family (present and future) in her planning.

I think you assumed she would involve you, and feel hurt that she hasn't. However, I don't think she has done anything wrong.

Gazelda · 31/01/2016 21:28

If she knows you don't 'get the fuss about weddings' then maybe she's relieved that there is one less problematic relationship she has to accommodate (in addition to MIL etc)?

AlwaysHopeful1 · 31/01/2016 21:30

She hasn't asked you for anything, so how is she being a bridezilla?Confused
Just accept she's doing things differently and be happy for her. Also she might be under pressure from her il side to do things their way so don't be so hard on her.

228agreenend · 31/01/2016 21:30

i don't think she is a bridezilla, as she is not making outrageous demands etc, but just being more private about her plans.

Jibberjabberjooo · 31/01/2016 21:30

Why would you be getting ready with her when you're not her bm?

3luckystars · 31/01/2016 21:30

You definitely need to arrange transport as there is no way you would be getting ready with her if you are not involved in the wedding.

I wouldn't take any notice at all, weddings can be stressful and she is obviously getting hassle from the inlaws so just go as a guest and enjoy the day. Just be happy and I'm sure you will hear a lot more about it all after the wedding when your friendship gets back on track.
Definitely do not get offended, just tell yourself she is stressed and be glad you didn't fall into that trap when you were getting married.

Enjoy the wedding.

Tiggeryoubastard · 31/01/2016 21:32

You sound hard work. You made the decisions for your wedding. She's making the decisions for hers. Let her.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 31/01/2016 21:36

In way possible way could she be considered a Bridezilla? Bridezilla's go on and on and on about their weddings in a very me,me,me! fashion, and want to control everything from the dress size of the bridesmaids to the type of hat sported by the new MIL.

Nothing in your OP suggests your friend is anything like this. Please don't use that term in reference to her. It is unfair and unkind. It sounds like she is trying her best to appease a difficult MIL at the same time as organising a lower key wedding than you had yourself. All perfectly reasonable. I can see it must be a bit hurtful if you expected her to reciprocate the level of involvement she had in your wedding, but she is under no obligation to indulge you in this.

Unless she has specifically asked you to come to her house and help her dress, I would make your own arrangements to be at the church or wedding venue at the same time as the other guests.

1fedupmama · 31/01/2016 21:36

I would just remind her again that if she ever needs any help to speak to u. My best friend is also getting married just shortly & she was telling me about how she was stressing about bridesmaids so I said that aslong as I was there to cry like a big baby I didn't care wether I had a job or not even though I was a little gutted when she didn't pick me, but I still offered my help & every so often she will ask my opinion on something, usually send a screenshot with 'which do u like best we can't decide' lol. She has ranted to me about bridesmaid drama, she has ranted about wedding drama, she's ask my opinion on loads of things & I doubt any of this would have happened if I hadn't kept reminding her that I will help regardless.
Chin up, she can't please everyone she maybe thought u wouldn't take it personally?

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 31/01/2016 21:37

what possible way.

Original poster
Abitupset2016 · 31/01/2016 21:37

Sorry I should have elaborated. She lives within walking distance of the venue so I could get ready with her and then go to the venue ahead of her. She offered to do my hair and make up even though I was happy to do my own but she really wanted to do it.

She really dislikes her future mil and hardly sees her anyway so she wouldn't know if I was involved. I am helping to arrange her hen do and have asked her about her wedding but she doesn't disclose much at all. It just makes me feel really sad as we have been best friends since we were 14 and have been through all the mile stones together and yet when it comes to her wedding she doesn't want me involved at all. It just wasn't what I was expecting. We always said we would be each other's bridesmaids and although I understand her reasoning it doesn't stop me from feeling a bit sad.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/01/2016 21:40

Until she asks you to get ready with her don't assume that'll happen.

Original poster
Abitupset2016 · 31/01/2016 21:41

My wedding was much smaller than hers. I had 30 people for the whole thing, she is having 180. Sorry bridezilla was the wrong word.

OP posts:
ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 31/01/2016 21:43

It is fine to feel a bit sad about this but there is nothing wrong with her deciding she wants a lower key wedding than you talked about as ten eaters/younger women. Or perhaps she just doesn't feel the need to go on and on about the minutiae of the planning? What details do you feel she should have 'disclosed'? I didn't talk about my wedding much because I realised that most people didn't care whether we had chicken or salmon or what we should put on the DJs playlist.

Even though the venue is walkable from her house, I would not assume you are invited to help her get ready - doing so could be very awkward for you both. Arrange your own taxi. You can always cancel it if she does ask you later.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 31/01/2016 21:44

ten eaters? What is wrong with my iPad? teenagers.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 31/01/2016 21:45

If you're not a bridesmaid, you won't be getting ready at your friend's house.

If you are a true friend (which in sure you are), then you will make your own arrangements to be at the venue on time and be kind and happy on the day for your friend.

AbbyCadabby · 31/01/2016 21:46

I think you are being over-sensitive. It's her wedding - let her enjoy the run up and preparation as she wants to. I didn't want input from anyone other than DH in ours, apart from BMS who were allowed to choose the colour and style of their dresses. Not that I was pushing anyone out, I just didn't see the big deal about involving people in things - like what? I know my own mind - I don't need anyone else's opinion. I also didn't 'disclose' - I really don't get this. What do you want disclosing?

WeAreEternal · 31/01/2016 21:54

So you are upset and annoyed with her because assumed she would involve you in her wedding but because she hasn't she is being a bridezilla... right.

Whatever excuse she used she doesn't want you you be a bridesmaid, end of discussion, you may have assumed that you would be one but you are not so you need to get over your disappointment and forget about it.

If you are not a bridesmaid there is no chance you will be getting ready or traveling with her, so you should sort out your own transport.

I understand it is disappointing and quite upsetting when someone whom you had assumed would include you chooses not to but you need to let it go and just be happy for your friend.
It may be that she isn't discussing anything with you as she knows how upset you are so doesn't want to rub it in by talking about the wedding plans.

defineme · 31/01/2016 21:55

I think you're being over sensitive. This is really not an issue. I am pleased that you won't say anything to her and at least here you can vent and slap on a smile for the wedding. I met my bf age 13, lived together for years etc-we made a lot of plans when we were young that haven't come off, but the important thing is the friendship not the dress. My dh came dress shopping with me btw!