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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being overly sensitive? (Best friends wedding)

51 replies

Abitupset2016 · 31/01/2016 20:49

I got married last year and had my closest friends and sister as bridesmaids but as we had a very small and informal wedding they didn't have to wear bridesmaids dresses etc.
One of them is a hairdresser and so she did my hair and make up for me. She is probably my closest friend and came with me to pick my wedding dress and shoes and arranged my hen do.

She is getting married this year but hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid as her future mil is kicking up a fuss about the grooms sister not being a bridesmaid so she is only having her sister to try and keep the peace. I wasn't overly fussed but she isn't involving me in her wedding at all.
She didn't invite me dress shopping and won't tell me anything about the dress she has picked. She hasn't actually told me much about the wedding at all.

I'm not going to say anything to her because I don't want her to think I am being negative about her wedding but I am actually quite upset. I need to arrange transport for the day of the wedding but don't know if I am going to be getting ready with her or if she just wants me to go straight to the venue. I don't really get all the fuss about weddings and was very laid back when it came to mine but I had her involved in every stage of my wedding as it was really nice to have her there. We had fun getting ready and she really helped me ease my nerves.

Am I being overly sensitive or does she sound like she is being a bridezilla?

Thanks

OP posts:

CockwombleJeff · 31/01/2016 21:55

You sound young .

I don't know if you have experience of many other weddings apart from your own - but I can't think why you would be expecting to get ready with her - even if you do live near .

It is a private intimate time with close family .

CockwombleJeff · 31/01/2016 21:59

And if I'm honest - it's the brides day - my wedding day was the one and only day in my life that I did and chose exactly what I wanted to make me happy.

Please support your friend to do this - she does not need to be considering your feelings on this occasion .

228agreenend · 31/01/2016 22:01

So she has involved you, you are helping to plan the hen do.

Hate to say it, but I actually think you sound a little 'entitled' (hate that word) to expect a greater involvement in the wedding. It's her wedding for her and her family to plan, not,yours.

PotteringAlong · 31/01/2016 22:02

You sound like a friend-zilla here. She's done nothing wrong at all.

GigiB · 31/01/2016 22:03

I think Yabu and oversensitive. You seem to assume you have a role in her wedding just because she did in yours.
I'm sure you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid so you could be hers? Bridesmaids get ready with the bride, as you are not a bridesmaid you would go straight to the church unless otherwise asked.

DarkDarkNight · 31/01/2016 22:09

I actually think she does sound a bit odd actually, maybe she doesn't want to share everything but to say absolutely nothing does sound strange. Even if she wants to pick a dress just with family it's a bit strange not to even say I like empire line gowns' or 'I'm after something modern' when she was so heavily involved in your wedding.

How does she react if you ask if she has picked her flowers or sorted a song for the first dance? Would she tell you?

I think it is very odd of her to suggest she do your hair and make up on her wedding day and out of character for someone who seems to be holding you at arms length.

AlpacaMyThings · 31/01/2016 22:11

Its her wedding and she's doing it her way, just as you did your wedding your way.

Make some back up plans for getting ready and getting there so yo are not feeling upset on the day.

RubyRoseViolet · 31/01/2016 22:19

I can understand why you feel upset. I can also understand why your friend may not want you or others there when she's getting ready.

I'm get married in May and I know I will already have a houseful on the morning of the wedding (young bridesmaids, mum, parent of baby flowergirl etc). It's a small wedding and I only have 2 or 3 friends coming so if they all come and get ready with me there'll not be much of an entrance at the venue! Nearly everyone will have seen my dress already! Maybe she feels a bit like that?

lostinmiddlemarch · 31/01/2016 22:35

I don't think you sound like hard work - that sound does sound painful and I'd be hurt if I were in your position. However, given that this is the way it is, I would not be entertaining any hopes of being asked to get ready with the bride. You say you don't know if she will want this but it's quite clear that you've been given no reason to think it's a possibility.

Some people do have completely different ideas about weddings and just don't get the fuss when it comes to their own, or don't want the fuss for family reasons. It could be that your friend doesn't want her future SIL as a bridesmaid so badly that she's just written off the whole idea of bridesmaids. Or if she can't have a few friends there, she'd rather it was just her and her sister. Whatever the reason, I sympathise with your hurt but there is nothing you can do. Maybe one day, after the wedding when everything has died down, if it's still bothering you, you could ask her if you did anything to cause it (not that I expect you did). But you can't really add to her troubles now.

3luckystars · 31/01/2016 22:53

There is NO WAY you will be getting ready with her unless she asks you to do this. Absolutely no way. She has 180 people coming to the wedding, what if they all showed up to get ready with her. Do not even mention it.

I hope the hen party is great fun and you enjoy the wedding with your friend. When it's a smaller wedding, it's easier for prople to be involved. Big weddings can be extremely stressful, especially if her MIL is giving her hassle. Try to be understanding and just enjoy your part as a guest.

Ameliablue · 31/01/2016 22:56

I think you are being over sensitive.

Youarethemusicinme · 31/01/2016 23:05

I think people are being really harsh to you on this thread. Of course you can feel upset if you want to.
It does seem a bit weird that she excluding you if you are best friends and she was so involved with your wedding.
At least you aren't making a big deal out of it to her face.

ChristmasEvePJs · 31/01/2016 23:05

I think you are being overly sensitive to be honest.

I love my friends but I wouldn't have invited them dress shopping, to get ready with me etc. My parents, siblings, make up artist, hairdresser etc took up enough space and it was nice to have some family time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/01/2016 23:14

bf generally go dress shopping together, but if she didnt go with friends then dont feel upset

if she went with friends but not you, then you can

why would you get ready at hers??

sad but if she really wanted you as bm then she would have 2, her sil and you

you are organising her hen do so she is involving you

LondonStill83 · 31/01/2016 23:31

I am confused-

Was she YOUR bridesmaid?

You said "close friends and family"...

If that didn't include her, you're being unreasonable!

BeaufortBelle · 31/01/2016 23:36

OP, just a thought. You said you had a very simple wedding of 30 people and your "bridesmaids" didn't have bridesmaid's dresses. She did your hair and make-up for you as a favour. She is having 180 guests.

Do you think in the nicest possible way she might actually be trying to be very sensitive and not talk about quite how much money is being spent.

You are helping organise the hen do. She isn't making a big thing of the bridesmaids (to be fair I didn't, I was the last of my friends to get married and they were pg or had three children, etc., so I had one older cousin to cut out all arguments) you will be a guest and arrive at the church under your own steam. You never know you might be near the top table at the reception.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand and enjoy the wedding she's going to have on her behalf.

theycallmemellojello · 31/01/2016 23:39

I think different people want different things from weddings. I have a number of close female friends but didn't involve them in the wedding process. I didn't have bridesmaids and my dh and I chose all the food and music and stuff together. I just didn't use the wedding as a female bonding thing. Doesn't mean I don't like my friends, just that I don't buy into that aspect of wedding culture.

crispytruffle · 31/01/2016 23:42

I have never understood all this "keeping the peace" brides need to speak up more, their day their choice. No one should have to bow down to the demands of others on their wedding day. I wouldn't let my MIL dictate to me about bridesmaids, your friend needs to get a backbone and stand up for herself.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 01/02/2016 00:49

The friend isn't having her SIL as a bridesmaid so she isnt letting her MIL dictate to her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2016 08:42

Sorry yes read that wrong. So BF only has her sister as bm

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2016 08:46

You say at your wedding bm didn't wear dresses - so tbh not really bm. Just friends at a wedding in casual clothes

If BF wanted you to be bm she would have asked you. Same as she didn't want Sil. Sorry

MummaGiles · 01/02/2016 08:48

She doesn't sound bridezilla at all.

Cheby · 01/02/2016 08:54

Definitely not a bridezilla. And I also don't understand at all why you think you would get ready at her house? You're not part if the wedding party. And she'll have 1001 things to think about on the morning of the wedding, she doesn't need someone else to organise.

Arranging a wedding for 180 people can be hard work. We had 120, and an enormous amount of planning went in to mine (I loved it, but it was hard work). Don't make it harder for her.

Re the dress; she's not telling you anything about it, so she's not going to want you to see if before the wedding, is she? Sounds like she wants it to be a surprise as she walks down the aisle. My cousin was the same.

NerrSnerr · 01/02/2016 09:01

You're arranging her hen night so you are involved. You had your wedding how you wanted, she is having hers. I'm not sure why you'd think you'd be getting ready with her in the morning. Just go straight to the venue.

MissBattleaxe · 01/02/2016 09:26

Not everyone wants bridesmaids. I didn't. It doesn't mean I don't love and cherish my friends.

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