Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that dsd sits down when holding ds?

78 replies

LGem1988 · 28/01/2016 10:03

Dsd 11 has taken it upon herself to pick up ds (2 weeks old) and walk about the house with him. She picks him out of his cot when I am not looking, and walks downstairs with him.
She is a lovely sweet girl, but she is also incredibly clumsy. Always tripping and dropping things. Dh and I have told her she can hold ds on the cough when we are there but she just ignores her. I know if she picked him up when i was in the bathroom or something and dropped him or tripped I would end up giving her into trouble.
I am recovering from a c section and I am exhausted. Dh goes back to work tomorrow and I am worried about dealing with dsd if she won't listen to me. I 100% get she is proud to be a big sister. I make a point of including her, she helps me
To feed him, change him etc and she loves it, she feels like she is my little helper and it makes her feel important, but I really want this walking around with him while he is
So young nipped in the bud.

OP posts:
Original poster
LGem1988 · 28/01/2016 10:04

On the couch not cough !

OP posts:
UptownFunk00 · 28/01/2016 10:10

YANBU I'm nervous carrying a baby around and I'm 26 with one DD and another set to be born very soon! :)

I'm not too sure how I'd handle this though as DD is only 2.10 and hope she doesn't pick the baby up!

Congratulations on your new baby :)

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2016 10:10

I wouldn't be happy about her walking downstairs with him. I also wouldn't be happy about the blatant disobedience.

But I'd be ok with an 11 year old walking around the lounge holding a baby, as long as they're looking where they're going.

Hamsolo · 28/01/2016 10:10

Hmm. 11 is borderline for me. 7 or 8 then definitely seated only. 11... If she's big enough to hold his weight is probably ease off. She's likely to be super careful while holding him, and it sounds like you can maybe use the extra help at the moment? Maybe you'd be calmer about it if you direct her to do it in a specific way, eg "if ds cries you can bring him to me, or pick him up and sit on x chair" so letting her do it but in a less free form way? And absolutely no picking him up if he is not crying?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/01/2016 10:14

Of course she shouldn't just pick him up out of the cot without asking you first.

You and dh should both make it clear that he isn't to be picked up without checking with you first and be very firm about it, ignoring you both is not on.

Pipsqueak23 · 28/01/2016 10:14

Sit dsd down and speak to her and explain why you don't want her carrying the baby around, she's old enough to understand this. Myb she thinks you have told her not to because you think she can't do it rather than you don't want her to do it

helenahandbag · 28/01/2016 10:18

It can happen to anyone though - my mum fell down the stairs carrying me when I was a few weeks old.

ricketytickety · 28/01/2016 10:18

Just explain it to her that you want baby in the same room as you and so she shouldn't pick him up and walk off. Also, if baby is in the cot she shouldn't pick them up at all.

cuntinghomicidalcardigan · 28/01/2016 10:19

I think the not listening to you is concerning but at 11 I would be happy with her holding him in the lounge walking round rather than up and down stairs. Could you make a thing of it so she has no need to test it? For example 'dsd, please could give ds a cuddle, he loves being paced with, I just need 2 mins to pee/make a cuppa/make a phone call?'

She'll probably get fed up as he gets louder, heavier and less compliant! Until then I would absolutely have her help out as much as poss.

Congratulations on your new baby Smile

ricketytickety · 28/01/2016 10:22

It's good to put boundaries in place so she learns to leave baby alone when they need their own space. She can help in lots of other ways. Also praise her on being still with baby or holding baby well - 'he looks very safe in your arms when you are sat down and still' sort of thing. 'You are doing that gently; that's nice.'

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 28/01/2016 10:23

I think it all depends on how careful and sensible she is really. Only you can make that decison as you know her and what she's like.

She can still be involved with the baby by sitting down with him or helping you to get him dressed, feeding him etc... I'm sure it won't leave her emotionally scarred if she can't hold her baby brother whilst standing up!

My dsd is 10 and she's always been very hands on with DS3 who is 1. Always wanting to help take care of him and always wanting to play with him. She absolutely adores him. I've always let her hold him whilst standing up (for short periods of time) but that is because she is careful and sensible, and if I thought she would trip up or drop him then I absolutely wouldn't let her hold him whilst standing up.

You do what you think is best and stick to that decision. Don't let people call you for it because there are other ways you can involve her with her baby sibling.

kissmethere · 28/01/2016 10:23

No I wouldn't be happy about this so I don't blame you. You've told her she can hold him on the couch and she should respect that. So baby is her new sibling? It's probably the novelty of having a new baby but regardless your rule is your rule. I remember having a new sibling and I wanted to carry her everywhere. Mum said "no, not all the time" and that was that. No protest or defiance.

musicposy · 28/01/2016 10:44

My brother was born when I was 11 and I did a lot of looking after him. Walked him round, sang him to sleep, changed his nappy in the days when you had rather scary nappy pins. He's not scarred for life(!) and never came to even the slightest harm. I was a very proud big sister. My younger sis, aged 7, my mum thought too young to help out/ carry him unassisted. She grew up with lots of resentment of him whereas he viewed me like a second mum.

Try not to be too pfb. Talk to her about safe ways to hold and carry him, relax and enjoy someone else taking a bit of the strain. Keep her on side and she will be a godsend when you hit the toddler years.

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2016 10:49

She's 11, not 6!

ricketytickety · 28/01/2016 10:55

But she's 'clumsy' so a bit of control isn't a bad thing

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 28/01/2016 10:56

She's 11, not 6!

It still depends on what that 11 year old is like though. Not all 11 year olds would be sensible and careful enough.

ICJump · 28/01/2016 10:57

I was 9 when my DB was born. Carried him, changed his nappies with cloth and pins, dressed him.

Explain gentle and fragile but the thought an 11 year old can't hold a baby and walk is bizarre

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/01/2016 11:08

To be fair, this is the same DSD you will ask to babysit in 4 years time Smile I agree with a lot of posters above and was a 2nd mum figure to multiple siblings.

I think you should ensure that she knows how fragile the baby is - fontanelle, neck support etc. And that for the moment you would prefer that she doesn't carry the baby up and down the stairs. If she can't be trusted to obey that, then you will have to be much firmer as will your DH.

The second thing I think you should explain [whether you agree with the rod for your own back concept or not, it's just useful in this case] is that small babies need to get used to sleeping in their cot and to not be held all the time or picked up as soon as they stir. Simply put, post CS you will not be able to cope when DH is back at work and she is at school if the baby screams it's head off while you have a 5 min shower. With any pfb the temptation for everyone is to give lots of cuddles as soon as they peep and it's completely understandable but she needs to ask.

zzzzz · 28/01/2016 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MackerelOfFact · 28/01/2016 11:13

I think by 11 she probably has the strength, understanding and awareness to carry a newborn safely. I think the trust is the biggest issue here - make it clear to her that unless you can trust her to act in the interests of the baby (i.e. not to pick him up out of his cot when he's sleeping because he needs to rest), you can't trust her to carry him around alone either. I think that's fair.

She is just being a loving big sister though. I'm sure she's seen the adults carrying him around and just doesn't understand why you think she'd be any less careful than them when in her mind she loves him just as much.

lewis123456789 · 28/01/2016 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cleaty · 28/01/2016 11:27

I am clumsy. But when holding something precious like a new baby, I am incredibly careful. So I have never dropped a baby, but I have broken plenty of glasses and mugs. As a clumsy adult, I admit I would irritate me not to be trusted to walk around with a baby.

ChampaleSocialist · 28/01/2016 11:30

YANBU. She shouldnt be picking up the baby without permission.
She should be supervised when she has the baby.
She should not just go and pick him up and walk around with him, let alone down the stairs.
What if she decided he needed a bath?

She's 11, and babies need to rest. They;re not toys. It wouldnt be OK for her to do this with puppies or kittens, so its definitely not ok with a baby.

Would she accept a doll as a substitute?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/01/2016 11:31

Does she agree that she is clumsy? If so, then just explain that you love her helping you and that her new sibling loves her too but that you would feel awful if anything happened to either of them eg if she fell, she wouldn't be able to save herself or DS.

Secondtimeround75 · 28/01/2016 11:32

Could you get a dang for her to use.
I think it's important to include her .