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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist that dsd sits down when holding ds?

78 replies

LGem1988 · 28/01/2016 10:03

Dsd 11 has taken it upon herself to pick up ds (2 weeks old) and walk about the house with him. She picks him out of his cot when I am not looking, and walks downstairs with him.
She is a lovely sweet girl, but she is also incredibly clumsy. Always tripping and dropping things. Dh and I have told her she can hold ds on the cough when we are there but she just ignores her. I know if she picked him up when i was in the bathroom or something and dropped him or tripped I would end up giving her into trouble.
I am recovering from a c section and I am exhausted. Dh goes back to work tomorrow and I am worried about dealing with dsd if she won't listen to me. I 100% get she is proud to be a big sister. I make a point of including her, she helps me
To feed him, change him etc and she loves it, she feels like she is my little helper and it makes her feel important, but I really want this walking around with him while he is
So young nipped in the bud.

OP posts:

Secondtimeround75 · 28/01/2016 11:32

Sling not dang

GreatFuckability · 28/01/2016 11:34

I would be fine with her holding the baby, id be less fine about the stairs as they are tricky whilst carrying something. I also think being ignored isn't on.

Original poster

LGem1988 · 28/01/2016 11:34

Cleaty no offence, but I would irritate somebody before I would let my baby be held by somebody I thought may drop him if trip. Of course it's pfb but I wouldn't apologise for it

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 28/01/2016 11:41

If she's been told not to do this then she shouldn't be doing it. But she obviously wants to be involved which is a good thing. Total disinterest would be worrying I think. I agree about talking to her about safety and maybe set the rule that she may not carry him downstairs. But can pick him up when you're there.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/01/2016 11:44

People are also missing your concern that "I know if she picked him up when i was in the bathroom or something and dropped him or tripped I would end up giving her into trouble"

Of course anyone, including a parent, might drop a baby accidentally, or fall down the stairs with a baby. However as the OP has already asked the DSD not to walk down the stairs with the baby, their relationship will be irreparably damaged in the fairly unlikely but still distinctly possible event DSD did fall down stairs with the baby or drop the baby down the stairs by accident, plus DSD would hate herself and probably have lasting consequences of self doubt and guilt if harm came to the baby.

LGem I would focus on a very clear absolute non negotiable ban on carrying the baby up or (especially) down the stairs, but relax on standing up with the baby in a room with a clear floor. TBH I think that is what I would do if I had a baby now, with my own DD who is nearly the same age as your DSD.

On the reassuring side I fell while carrying my youngest sister when she was a baby and I was only 8, and managed to hold her up in the air totally uninjured instead of automatically putting my hands out to catch myself, hurting myself quite badly in the process - the instinct to protect a fragile baby does kick in quite young!

fourkids · 28/01/2016 11:53

hmmm, I'm guessing that DS is your first? I suspect that you'd feel differently if DSD was your DD tbh.

That's not a criticism, we've all had a PFB.

It's tricky that she's disobeying you because that's not okay, but if it were me, I'd get around that by letting her get involved and letting her help absolutely as much as she wants, with maybe two rules - do not pick DS up if he is asleep and do not walk up and downstairs with him (if that makes you particularly uncomfortable)

Personally I don't think she should have to ask for permission to hold the baby, or be sat down like a six year-old to do so (at least, it's not that I don't think you should have those rules - I mean I certainly wouldn't have them). At 11 she could be really helpful - genuinely helpful rather than just made to feel helpful. That would be good for both of you :)

oh - just reread back up the thread. if you think she might decide to bath him, you could add 'no unsupervised bathing the baby' to the rules!

cleaty · 28/01/2016 12:03

Oh no, don't let her bath him alone.

But being too precious about her holding the baby, may push her away.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/01/2016 12:05

I wouldn't be happy about this either. It's lovely that she's so keen to hold the baby and to help etc., but she has to learn that he's not a toy, he needs to sleep, and you are the one who knows best how to look after him.

If he's crying and you're not there, and she picks him up - ok. But I wouldn't be happy with her taking him downstairs either, because, as PPs have said, I was scared enough myself carrying my own brand new baby downstairs!

What I would do is ask her how she would feel if she did something unauthorised and her little brother was hurt as a result - accidentally of course! - you're sure she would be very sad if that happened, and you can see how much she cares about him. So you're trying to avoid that ever happening by just asking her to keep him safe, and keeping him safe means not doing any risky activities, like walking down the stairs with him (or bathing him!)

SoupDragon · 28/01/2016 12:06

Of course it's pfb but I wouldn't apologise for it

And there is nothing at all to apologise for :) we have all been there but now have a different perspective having had subsequent children. There are definitely things that were different about how DS2 and DD were treated and if anyone had been with DS1 the way he was with them, and DS2 was with DD, I would have been right in there like the proverbial mother bear.

Personally, I would enforce the no walking down stairs whilst holding him and let the rest go.

Jezebel555 · 28/01/2016 12:11

The bottom line is she is blatantly ignoring requests from adults and that needs addressing. At 11 years old she is perfectly capable of understanding what you mean and is being disobedient

Cloppysow · 28/01/2016 13:09

I don't think it would be different if she was her daughter.

My friends daughter was 10 and forever being told off for picking up and walking around with her new little sister. It took a lot to get her to listen.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/01/2016 13:12

The bottom line is she is blatantly ignoring requests from adults and that needs addressing. At 11 years old she is perfectly capable of understanding what you mean and is being disobedient

YEEEEES. It drives me mad on MN when I see stuff like "I've told them not to but they do it anyway" thrown in casually when talking about teens / pre-teens. They're old enough not to disobey! Punish them! I realise this is a tricky situation and you don't want to push her away, but blatant ignoring of a rule or request because "I know better than the stupid adults" is not on. At all.

Oysterbabe · 28/01/2016 13:19

I wouldn't be happy for anyone to pick up my baby from her cot or walk around with her if I'd asked them not to let alone an 11 year old. Yanbu and I'd be letting her know it's not on in pretty strong terms.

RubbleBubble00 · 28/01/2016 13:31

She sounds very fond of her new sibling. I'd sit down and have a chat, explain how easy it is to drop a baby, adults included.

Stick with the rule that is bubs is in the cot she doesn't lift him out unless u specifically ask her - baby crying and your having a shower ect, even then ask her to sit on the bed. Also no carrying up and downstairs. You can be firm but not nasty, annoying but keep using gentle but firm reminders

RapidlyOscillating · 28/01/2016 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/01/2016 13:49

Was your stepdaughter known for being clumsy, Rapidly?

Marniasmum · 28/01/2016 13:54

I think its fine as long as she doesn't go up and down stairs.As a compromise could you say she can pick him up but must stay in the same room rather than wandering about.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 28/01/2016 14:06

Why are people making it out that if the OP doesn't let her dad hold the baby whilst standing up she not feel involved?

There are many other ways to involve her with her baby sibling. Dressing them/giving them their bottle/helping to bath them/choosing which clothes the baby can wear/holding the baby ehilst sitting down.

I really don't think the OP is going to make her dsd feel pushed out and uninvolved with the baby, and I also don't think she would feel differently if her dsd was her own daughter. If the child is clumsy then the child would be clumsy if she was the OP's daughter too, and she would feel just as uneasy about her baby being held by her.

It makes no difference whether the girl is the OP's dd or her dsd. To assume she only feels this way because she's her dsd is just silly really.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 28/01/2016 14:07

*dad should say dsd, obviously.
iPhone autocorrcted it.

teatowel · 28/01/2016 14:11

I love watching the old videos of my 4 and 2 year tottering around the room holding their new baby brother! :) :)

WonderingAspie · 28/01/2016 14:19

YANBU.

I was older when my siblings were born, I don't remember carrying them around but I did do a lot of other stuff to help. It was fine.

She shouldn't be ignoring you both. I think your DH is going to have to be a bit firmer about it. She should not be a carrying a baby down the stairs or taking it out of the cot.

amarmai · 28/01/2016 14:29

if this was anyone else doing this , it wd be shut down immediately . Baies are not toys. The girl's father has not established that she is to do what you say in general , nevermind your newborn. Can you keep the crib in your room and lock the door?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/01/2016 14:31

2 year old teatowel ?

A friend came to stay when DC3 was a few weeks old and had briefed her 5 and 3 year olds that they'd be able to hold and carry the baby about as I'd be so laid back because he was DC3 that I'd be entirely happy for them to juggle with him as long as I didn't have to bother to pay any attention to him (OK she didn't put it like that :o ) ... they were most disappointed that I did not hand my 3 week old over to them to be their new toy to do with as they would, and insisted they sit down on the sofa to hold him.

I'm always a bit puzzled with the way some people think parents chuck any baby born after their pfb at any randomer willing to babysit, even if that babysitter is barely out of nappies themselves :o My own 5.5 and 3.5 year old also had to sit to hold DC3 - they are very bonded and protective of him, tend to spoil him and never fight with him although they do fight between themselves (They do carry him about a lot now, but he's nearly 5!).

RapidlyOscillating · 28/01/2016 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaCabbage · 28/01/2016 15:04

I think there a couple of points which stand out in this scenario. One is that the baby is only two weeks old! Surely anyone would agree that a baby of that age needs careful handling.

The other is that the OP said her DSD is clumsy and drops things! She could wander about and bash the baby's head on door frames or anything - it doesn' t have to be as dramatic as falling down the stairs.

Personally I would say reiterate the rules - only on the couch for now. You are letting her help with other stuff so that's nice. Let her know that as she gets used to holding hte baby and the baby gets bigger and stronger, she will be allowed to do more with her.

But definitely keep the boundaries in the meantime. You can judge better than us.

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