To insist that dsd sits down when holding ds?

[LGem1988]

Dsd 11 has taken it upon herself to pick up ds (2 weeks old) and walk about the house with him. She picks him out of his cot when I am not looking, and walks downstairs with him.
She is a lovely sweet girl, but she is also incredibly clumsy. Always tripping and dropping things. Dh and I have told her she can hold ds on the cough when we are there but she just ignores her. I know if she picked him up when i was in the bathroom or something and dropped him or tripped I would end up giving her into trouble.
I am recovering from a c section and I am exhausted. Dh goes back to work tomorrow and I am worried about dealing with dsd if she won't listen to me. I 100% get she is proud to be a big sister. I make a point of including her, she helps me
To feed him, change him etc and she loves it, she feels like she is my little helper and it makes her feel important, but I really want this walking around with him while he is
So young nipped in the bud.

[teatowel]

Yes she was 2 but nearer three, and they were only little totters across the room. Does that clarify ?

[Emeralli]

Your priority should be protecting your newborn. You need to establish clear boundaries and enforce them. An 11-year-old is old enough to understand why such rules are in place and not take it personally. Imagine how you would feel if she dropped or injured your baby.

I suggest only letting her hold baby on sofa, under your supervision. Explain baby is new and fragile, you feel nervous when people other than yourself and DH hold or walk with her, even when they're being careful.

If this was me and she disobeyed, I would refuse to have her in house until she learned to respect my rules. And I wouldn't leave baby alone with her. Take baby into bathroom with you or keep baby in sling.

As your SDS gets more used to handling baby and realises she must be very careful, you could let her play a more active role, but only if you are comfortable. Follow your instincts.

There are all sorts of ways she can be involved that don't put the baby at risk- helping bath, dress, change nappies, pushing pram (with supervision),choosing clothes, talking/singing to baby etc.

[ZiggyFartdust]

I have a small baby, their 11 year old sibling can change nappies, change clothes, carry the baby around and more. Fair enough about the stairs, but saying don't hold unless sitting on the couch is a bit "hands off my baby" preciousness.

[teatowel]

Goodness Emeralli you wouldn't have her in the house if she disobeyed you rules? Good job she is a step child then isn't it? Presumably she will have somewhere else to go. Hard luck if the child 'belonged' to both parents she would be on the street!

[ZiggyFartdust]

If this was me and she disobeyed, I would refuse to have her in house until she learned to respect my rules

This is fucking horrible. What kind of bitch would you have to be to say to your partner "your older kid has been cuddling my pfb, get her out of my house and she's not coming back in until she realises her place".

[BertrandRussell]

"NOBODY should be picking up your baby without yours or dps permission. angry"

Oh, I so hate this attitude! She's his sister!!!

And banning her from the house? Seriously?????????

[FreshHorizons]

I agree BertrandRussell - I wonder 'who are these people?!'
I am so glad they were not my parents!
Just have a happy medium and don't do stairs, running etc.

[cleaty]

Stairs no. Bathing no. But there is a big big difference between being clumsy generally, and carrying something precious like a new baby.

And I find some of the attitudes on here very strange. They speak more of a baby as a possession of the parents.

I find older children and teenagers do not obey rules when they are obviously ridiculous.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

The baby isn't a doll who can just be picked up by everyone whenever they like. The parents are in charge. I used to hate it when people came round and the baby was asleep/awake and settled and they'd pick him up! So yes, they do need permission imo.
It's a bit far to ban their sibling from the house though. I wouldn't go that far.

[Marilynsbigsister]

Ziggy , I think that's a slightly harsh and slanted interpretation of what the poster meant. The issue here is NOT the child being involved with the baby. The OP clearly enjoys here dsd and her attention. The difference between being a mum and a step mum is absolutely critical . If it were her daughter deliberately ignoring instructions not to pick up or disturb the baby then no doubt the poster wouldn't even be asking the question. However because she is a dsd and NOT a dd, the OP obviously has to tread very carefully. If she is to prescriptive then dsd could turn this against step mum and accuse her of pushing her out . As a. Step mum myself OP, you have got to sit down with your DH and have him spell out the rules. No stairs , no picking up without permission. Her dad has to do the talking or this could turn into a massive manipulation of the facts. Good luck ! Btw does dsd live with you full time ? Do you get any alone time with your new baby OP ?

[MidnightAura]

I'm shocked at the poster who said they wouldn't allow a stepchild in their house if they were disobedient. What a horrible thing to say.

I think it's a judgment call. We have a new baby in our family and there is an 11 year old sibling. I think they are allowed to pick the baby up and walk around. I know they can change a nappy without help so I imagine so.

[BertrandRussell]

"The baby isn't a doll who can just be picked up by everyone whenever they like"

Well, obviously not if she is asleep. But otherwise, why on earth not? Babies love cuddles, and being carried and getting to know their family. And if they don't at that particular moment, they'll soon tell you! My grandma used to say "Babies bring their love with them". And there's nothing they like more than spreading it about a bit!

[Emeralli]

I don't think it's horrible. As a new mum, your job is to protect your newborn. If an 11-year-old with 'a tendency to drop things' cannot be trusted not to pick up baby, and deliberately disobeyed by carrying baby around after being told she must not do this, I would be having words with her mum! And she would not be welcome until she was willing to accept my rules. My baby, my rules.

A 2-week old baby is defenceless. One clumsy accident could be fatal or cause serious permanent injury. So yes I would prioritise baby's safety over DSD's feelings. There is no need for her to be handling baby unsupervised!

[BertrandRussell]

You might not think it's horrible, but it is.

And "my baby my rules" is pretty grim too.

[diddl]

Surely there's a lot she can do without walking around with baby?

What's the purpose of that?

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

Yes I know babies love cuddles. I've had 3 of them. But they still aren't an object who can be man handled by everyone whenever they like.
Especially when one of those people is a child and is prone to being clumsy.

Fwiw I love it when dsd is with DS3 and she's helping to look after him/playing with him. He goes and puts his hands up for her to pick him up. It's so cute. But when he was a tiny little thing in his bouncy chair/cot/Moses basket she would ask before she picked him up. She had better manners than her older relatives who thought he was doll!

[Jw35]

My dd was 11 when her sister was born. Never thought not to let her carry her! She's been like a mini mum! She's 12 now and entertaining one year old sis while I'm cooking tea! (Or mums netting)! She's never dropped her and they have a lovely bond. Personally I think you're just fretting a bit which is natural as a new mum. Make a rule about the stairs and leaving baby when asleep and don't worry about the rest. Big sisters are great helpers!

[BertrandRussell]

Ok.
No stairs.
No baths
No picking up when asleep.

No more rules needed.

[wannaBe]

Very strange attitudes on this thread. No doubt the op will be back in a year or so wondering why her DSD has no interest in her half sibling.


yes, I would have the conversation around carrying the baby up and down stairs, but seriously? Never pick the baby up if it isn't crying? Not to pick up baby without permission? Ban child from house if they don't obey? Is it any wonder that children of first families feel so pushed out when the dad marries someone else who then has a baby they're not allowed to be involved with?

[Jw35]

Totally agree Wannabe!

[teatowel]

It's all about a thing called common sense. An 11 year sister constantly waking up a baby to carry it around would be unacceptable. An sister picking up a little baby who is either having a cry or is very obviously awake and happy to have a cuddle a different matter. Like other people on here I live in a family where having to ASK to pick up your sister (within a certain set of guidelines) would be deemed as bonkers. Stairs may not be a great idea but I'm surprised that a 11 year old really couldn't be trusted to move a few steps with a baby.

[Emeralli]

'your older kid has been cuddling my pfb'

This isn't the issue though... OP said DSD is welcome to cuddle baby on couch with supervision. She isn't depriving her of cuddles with her baby sister.
However, DSD who is 'incredibly clumsy' and 'drops things' disobeys and picks up baby behind OPs back, walks around house and up stairs with baby despite being told not to! This is a disaster waiting to happen. OP has every right to keep her baby safe. She has made a big effort to include DSD in baby's care. DSD is being defiant and disobedient by ignoring instructions re not picking up baby, and cannot be trusted. OP is recovering from major surgery and cannot monitor her constantly.

[Kirkenes]

She sounds lovely. I think it's hard to know. She may be clumsy with other things but I bet she is careful with the baby.

[FreshHorizons]

If OP really isn't happy it is fairly easy to ask her nicely to sit down once she has picked up the baby. I think that 11yr olds are extra careful with small babies, even clumsy ones.
Generally people try their best to make sure that an older sibling isn't jealous they don't threaten to ban them from the house if they break rules!

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Wow teatowel - my eldest was 5.5 when DC3 was born and the idea of letting her carry him about didn't cross my mind - looking at my current nearly 5 year old I can't imagine letting him pick up a newborn would be a brilliant plan! I'd let my 8.5 year old if he wanted to and the baby's mum was happy, but he's almost as big as my mum and probably stronger, definitely more sure footed, so it seems logical that if she's allowed to pick up babies he should be :o Still I guess it all turned out fine so whose to say... :o