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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Change in access due to ex new job

55 replies

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 21:39

Currently ex has DS tuesday from school taking him bk to school wednesday. Alternative fri at 5pm 5pmsaturday/ saturday 9am -sunday9am ( this was done to add some flexiability and gives each of us a full weekend day with DS to plan activities.

This has worked really well the last 5 years. Ex has informed me hes changing jobs and is on a new two week rota.

Week 1 Mon-Fri 8-4 will collect DS after 4 Tuesday & collect after 4 Friday drop off 5pm Sat.

Week 2
Mon-Fri 12-8pm & Sat working till 1pm

Ex is unable to have tuesday overnight instead requesting Saturday after he finishes work all day Sunday drop off at school Monday morning.

This would limited my own time with DS on the Saturday as I want him involved with activities with siblings and us. Am I AIBU. Looking at the timetable I have suggested if ex wanted to have DS for breakfast and be involved in the school runs during the second week as he doesn't live far away.

OP posts:
magoria · 09/01/2016 21:55

It is not fair for you to do all the grunt school work etc while he gets more leisure time.

Your DC need family time together. Don't give it up.

LalaLyra · 09/01/2016 21:58

Wouldn't a standard EOW arrangement work better now? Ex collects every other Friday after 4 and drops at school Monday or back to you Sunday night. Or collects Saturday 1pm and drops school Monday.

You shouldn't have to give up time every weekend because you need leisure time too with him.

Cloppysow · 09/01/2016 21:59

I think YABU

He's restricted by working hours. He and his son deserve time together.

RandomMess · 09/01/2016 21:59

Perhaps just go for the full every other weekend alternating?

How old is DS?

summerainbow · 09/01/2016 22:09

Ex knew he responsible for a child when he took the new job . I love to be able to tell him tough . These are hours ( the old one ) you are responsible for child sort it out with your boss. It is not job to change .

Original poster
Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:13

Ex doesn't want to go full weekend very other week as he feels its too long to go without access. DS 7. Cloppysow when would i be able to have quality time tho?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/01/2016 22:18

That's his problem though isn't it!! You've offered him to take him for breakfast etc Confused

bimandbam · 09/01/2016 22:20

Eow and one night for tea after school. It's unfortunate he misses one teatime visit but that's his problem not yours.

If ds is young and goes to bed 7/8pm he wouldn't see him much in the week if you were still together.

In the school holidays (14 weeks of them) he could collect and take him for breakfast on the week he starts at 12. Or use his al to spend more time with him.

Your ds is entitled to equal quality time with each family unit. It's not about your rights or your exs rights or what is fair. It's about your ds having his needs filled and that includes the right to a meaningful relationship with you and his siblings as well as with his df.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 09/01/2016 22:23

What does the lad think?

A 7, he can input some suggestions. They don't have to be the final solution, but he can surely say

I like doing ... With mum and .... With dad.

I would like to be with mum on these times and dad at these times.

Then you adults can try and work it?

RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 22:23

could he continue to do Tuesday overnight if he drop ds back with you on the way to work?

Original poster
Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:24

I know I thought that was another solution and he could see him more regular on the second week by having for breakfast and taking him to school as he doesnt start work till 12.

We just want to be able to go for the day, visit family together without any restrictions. I don't want DS to feel hes not part of our family and missing family get togethers. As much as its important to have quality time with his dad, i also feel he should have equal quality time with me, dh and siblings.

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 22:27

or on his late start weeks could he pick ds in way home from work and then just pop him into bed at his house so he could take him to school the next day

RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 22:28

is he wanting this every weekend or just the weekends he is working Saturdays

RandomMess · 09/01/2016 22:29

I think it's unfortunate that he'll have to make do with breakfasts and not have that overnight but that is life, it's not perfect.

Your DS does need time as a family unit with you as well.

Remind your Ex that during the school holidays he can have a lot of extra mornings with your DS to counter balance the term times and so on.

Good luck with getting to a compromise!!!

Original poster
Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:30

On the second week he finishes too late at 8 by the time he got back he would unable to have the tuesday night. I did speak to my DS and he said he would miss his sister too much having two nights away and enjoys spending time with her. This has been a struggle for him when hes had his holiday access ( one week ) DS has wanted to return early as hes gotten quite upset.

Ex does have holiday access but only informs me of one week out of his annual leave. I have told him to tell me when he has any other holidays as he tends to book half term as his wife is a teacher but i get the impression he prefers to spend time with her without DS. I try and give extra when i can but its difficult when i don't know all his holidays.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/01/2016 22:30

On his week 2 perhaps if it didn't clash with your plans he could for Tea/after tea on the Sunday for an overnight???? So you still got the full Sat & Sunday together bar bedtime?

Yambabe · 09/01/2016 22:33

Have I read this right, that at the moment DS is with his dad every Saturday? Til 5pm one week then Sunday morning the second?

If that's right the first week of his new rota is pretty much the same as now isn't it?

Rather than have him Sat after work on the 2nd week could he not have him Sunday to Monday instead? So that week DS would be with you for a full Saturday and the other week he'd be with you for the full Sunday?

Ex would miss out on his alternate Tuesdays but there's not really a lot that you can do about that. Does he have a DP or relative who could still collect him from school in those weeks so he's at Dad's for bedtime and gets dropped off at school the same as now? Or maybe adjust so he gets a little more time in the holidays.

Original poster
Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:34

Rubble.bubble he the tues sat one week. Second week sat sun dropping off school on the monday. This would mean i would get one full day on a weekend twice month.

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 22:37

when ds is on hols the couldn't ex have him to stay a couple of nights as a later bedtime wouldn't be too bad and they could spend time together before ex goes to work on his 12 starts - something to suggest to him

Original poster
Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:39

Yam If access was to change i would lose a day of my weekend i currently get with ds. He collects early morning and drops off next day early morning. This was done so each of us had the opportunity to be able to go out for the day with DS. Due to exs new working shedule one of his weeks he is unable to get DS on the tuesday so wants to take half of my day with my DS plus the rest of the weekend leaving me with limited about of time.

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 22:40

I know ds not keen but could do stay two nights a week in week 1 to make up for missing tune in week 2. Then you could keep your weekends as is

Original poster
Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:42

Problem is rubble ex never tells me when hes off other than one week in the summer. So when i've been working my parents had to look after DS

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:44

I don't think ex would like to go every other week i meantioned it before and he preferred not going for a week without access and wanted to see him on a weekly basis.

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 22:46

he doesn't need to be off work if he has this late shift pattern every other week. During school hols he could pick ds up on way home from work then he would have whole morning with him before he starts work. he could do it twice a week during school hols and his work pattern is late. It just something to suggest to him as another compromise

RandomMess · 09/01/2016 22:47

All you can do is offer a contact schedule that you are happy to agree with. If he chooses not to take up more contact in the school holidays to compensate that is his choice.

There is no perfect solution.

Offer x or y - if he doesn't want to accept that or thinks up something else you are happy with then he will have to take you to court and they will decide.

Yes it is in DS best interests to have at least 4 weekend days per month with you so you can have leisure time together. Whether that is Sunday one week then you get the FULL Saturday the other week (ex has him Sunday morning then drops at school) or you pursue the EOW option is your choice to offer.