Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

Change in access due to ex new job

55 replies

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 21:39

Currently ex has DS tuesday from school taking him bk to school wednesday. Alternative fri at 5pm 5pmsaturday/ saturday 9am -sunday9am ( this was done to add some flexiability and gives each of us a full weekend day with DS to plan activities.

This has worked really well the last 5 years. Ex has informed me hes changing jobs and is on a new two week rota.

Week 1 Mon-Fri 8-4 will collect DS after 4 Tuesday & collect after 4 Friday drop off 5pm Sat.

Week 2
Mon-Fri 12-8pm & Sat working till 1pm

Ex is unable to have tuesday overnight instead requesting Saturday after he finishes work all day Sunday drop off at school Monday morning.

This would limited my own time with DS on the Saturday as I want him involved with activities with siblings and us. Am I AIBU. Looking at the timetable I have suggested if ex wanted to have DS for breakfast and be involved in the school runs during the second week as he doesn't live far away.

OP posts:

Report

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:50

That's something I could suggest to him. Thanks rubble

OP posts:

RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 22:50

on wk 2 I'd go with ex picking ds on way home and then they can have breakfast in the morning in ex's house and then he takes him to school. Yes he won't get much time in the evening but he gets breakfast time and a nice bedtime

LalaLyra · 09/01/2016 22:54

I think EOW plus one day during the week he takes your DS for tea or for breakfast on a Tuesday.

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 22:55

I don't think he would be able to collect him till after 9 as job is not local. DS goes to bed at 7.30.

OP posts:

RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 23:08

Could his wife put him to bed that Tuesday if you dropped him off just before bed time? Just thinking it might be easier for ds than having to get up in the morning and ex pick him up for breakfast - keeps Tuesday's going then - yes he loses the evening time but would balance out with extra morning time during school hols???

RubbleBubble00 · 09/01/2016 23:08

(plus he wife might veto it so then it's them making the decision)

MillionToOneChances · 09/01/2016 23:09

Definitely don't agree to him getting so much of the weekend time, if it doesn't suit you - it's not fair to you, your son or his siblings.

When my ex moved house we had to drop his mid-week night. Instead he has more time on his weekend with them, and then sees them a night in the week.

In your case, might it work for him to have your son one or two nights in week 1, then in week 2 have him from 1pm Saturday (or as soon as he reaches yours from work) until Monday morning?

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 23:13

I could ask, I know it might tie her but its worth a trying. She does on occasion have meetings late with working as a teacher but its another suggestion to consider.

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 09/01/2016 23:15

His attitude to annual leave sucks. Your son deserves to spend at least half his dad's leave allowance with him.

Emmalouise2babies · 09/01/2016 23:17

If he took you to court they wouldn't award him all the leisure time would they?

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 23:26

I've mentioned holiday leave so many times but there's not a lot I can do if I don't know when he's off. Him and his DW have no children. It would of helped me when I had limited holiday access to cover all school holidays. Instead my parents have been on hand to help when I've been at work. He did have him extra when I was in labour when I had my DD. We went to court and it was ruled before that I had as much right to have quality time with DS as he did this was about 5 years ago. He wouldn't want to go to court again after claiming legal aid fraudulently. We are on reasonable term but trying to figure out an agreement that is for the benefit of our DS and his relationship with before of us.

OP posts:

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 23:27

Both of us*

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 09/01/2016 23:40

Well you know he has at least 20 days holiday, because everyone does by law. So since he wants to change the contact arrangements you could use it as an opportunity to insist that he spends two weeks of his holiday with his son.

Also, I expressed my post poorly - my ex now has ours all of one weekend, then the Monday night after the weekend he hasn't seen them. I guess an equivalent in your case might be the Thursday night before the weekend he wasn't having him. Possibly Tuesday and Thursday, or some breakfast time as he can't have the full weekend.

Industrialhelicopter · 09/01/2016 23:40

If he is remarried then I assume it is a stable relationship. Cant his wife have your son alone until he gets back?

If the court said that you both have the same right to quality time could you he ask for 1 week on and 1 week off? How would you feel about that?

MillionToOneChances · 09/01/2016 23:41

At the end of the day, you can't force him to spend more time with your son if he would rather swan around child free during his holidays, but you can sure as hell make sure you get your fair share of weekend time.

maddening · 09/01/2016 23:48

You should have equal weekend time - he isbu

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 23:48

Industrial helicopter i would have to speak to his wife as she works and finishes late. I don't agree with 50/50 one week off one week on. I raised my DS since birth. It would be a massive impact on DS. He struggles with a week holiday access and can very emotional when being away from myself and his sister, this would never been an option as he expressed being upset after two days. Plus ex wouldn't be able to take and collect DS to and from school nor would his DW where as I'm available to take and collect DS from school evn when I'm at work due to my working hours. Court stated quality leisure time not 50/50 it was ruled this was not in the best interests of DS.

OP posts:

Sunbeam1112 · 09/01/2016 23:51

During his holiday week access ex partner had to bring him round due to him being unsettled to see us half way through the week and dropped him off a day early due to DS being upset and missing everyone.

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 10/01/2016 00:01

I think when they're young it's easier for them to cope with chunks of time away from their primary carer if they're actually away on holiday. If they're just around at home a few days at a time might be easier for your son.

MillionToOneChances · 10/01/2016 00:03

They get used to it fast, though. This is his dad after all.

Sunbeam1112 · 10/01/2016 00:12

It's not an option for 50/50 and its not suitable for my DS or EX. He is unable to take and collect DS from school so therefore its pointless even suggesting that level of access. Ex doesn't even cover half the school holidays,just one week in the summer. Which he's went for week for five years but still struggles being away from me. He benefits with one stable home with regular access to his Dad and has been very happy with current access. He had an extra day with his dad for Christmas as he did that was too long.

OP posts:

bimandbam · 10/01/2016 10:23

Your ds is telling you he doesn't want to increase contact time. Listen to him if your ex won't.

My dd is 11 now and we have been through this. After being swapped and changed for the first 5 years I simply repeat eow, 1 tea after school. If it doesn't work for your ex tough.

If your ds doesn't want to be away from home with his dad for more than 1 night that speaks volumes to me. It is up to his father to increase the quality of the contact time to encourage ds to want to spend more time with him.

If you have been to court before and your ex is reluctant to go back then you hold the cards. Offer what you feel suits ds and leave it at that. If ex doesn't like it he will have to put his money where his mouth is and take you back to court. I presume that you consider ds when taking on work. He should be doing the same.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Sunbeam1112 · 10/01/2016 11:57

We had a long dicussion he suggested three nights one week. Which isnt suitable for DS. I suggested his DW could collect Ds on the tuesday then that was an option if she was ok. Which hes agreed to. I did suggest extra holiday access during school terms but he didnt really acknowledge that much.

OP posts:

IcaMorgan · 10/01/2016 16:45

How about the week he works earlys he picks DS up on fri night to 9am sun and the week he's on lates he has him from 9am sun and takes him to school on Monday . This would mean you both get a full day with him every weekend and the fri night would replace the tie nights

SoapandGloryisDivine · 10/01/2016 16:49

I suggested his DW could collect Ds on the tuesday then that was an option if she was ok. Which hes agreed to.

Just make sure he makes sure his DW is ok with it. I know you've said as long as she's ok with it which shows you don't just want to dump an arrangement on to her, but sometimes exes agree to stuff and make arrangements that concern their DWs and it actually isn't ok.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.