To make DS1 pay forfeited deposit?

[Fourarmsv2]

History: In Y5 & Y6 I paid the deposit for DS1 to go on school residentials. I did so knowing he wasn't sure about going and reassured him it was fine either way. He didn't go on either occasion.

Start of Y7: Whole of Y7 went on a residential in week 1. He was very very unsure about going but HOY was fab at persuading him. He loved it.

Middle of Y7 term 1: an email comes through about a ski trip to the US. Many friends despair over cost. I smugly think at least DS1 won't want to go. Get home and guess what he asks....

DH and I spend hours discussing it with him. It's a week away skiing with city breaks either side. Good price for an amazing sounding experience. He's quite sure about going.... Deposit gets paid.

Over Christmas: he realises he's changed his mind and no longer wants to go.

I've said he can pay the deposit if he doesn't go (I didn't say this when I paid it). He's got £90 Christmas money left. The deposit was about £150. I know he'll love it, it's not for over a year yet, but I also know that if he refuses to go we could end up much more out of pocket than we are at the moment.

AIBU to make him pay? He's 12 this year, would be 13 at the time of the trip.

sorry but its a bit mean to take the money from him to be honest you never told him this at start you cant change the rules now .he is a child

sorry but its a bit mean to take the money from him to be honest

Argh this line of thinking makes me twitchy.

Why should the bank of mum and dad fund his flip-floppy behaviour? He needs to learn to commit to stuff.

No you tell him he's going - it's perfectly fair to tell him he will be paying you back the deposit. He has the collywobbles that's all. I think the endless discussions and negotiations and wondering about how to work this issue out are creating problems.

I think it would be better to give him an opportunity to change his mind before you have to commit to another payment, but then say if you pay any more deposits for him for other trips and he doesn't go, he'll have to pay you back for those.

I'd say you are going, under the circumstances, tbh.

Lets see what others say...

I'm on the fence- if he's uncomfortable or nervous about going away and you didn't warn him about paying deposit rather unfair.

If however he rather go than pay deposit out of his money it shows he didn't really understand value of money or how that effects you. Saying that losing £150 is better than paying the £500+ on top for trip.

Just say if he didn't go there will be no more trips unless her pays for them himself then no more changing his mind

why doesn't he want to go? Doesn't like the teachers? Doesn't like skiing? No friends going? Too far away from you? General nervousness?

Find our. Reassure him. Send him anyway. He'll have a fab time and he'll be a whole year older which is a lot at that age.

Why will you end up more out of pocket if he doesn't go?

Alison - presumably because they have to pay for the trip in full at some point, so if he backs out later rather than now they'll lose more than just the deposit.

Why does he say he doesn't want to go OP? Especially given he's never been on a residential he didn't enjoy.

Its a long way off. Why did he change his mind? Why not just pay and send him?

He's going. He made s commitment and he knew it had a cost for you. His way out is to reimburse you.
M

This happened to us with DSD, it was infuriating but we and her DMum just forfeited the money in the end. It probably isn't what I would have done with my DC and she has a shocking disregard for money to this day but that is more complicated than this one issue.

I would probably make him pay the Christmas money if I didn't strongly encourage him to go, DH would disagree with me so it would depend who won!

I can't remember how much the trip is but it's around £1.5K - hence we'll be massively more out of pocket if he refuses to go on the day.

Although he'd lose Xmas money now, we've said some bday and Xmas money between now and trip will have to go towards excursions on top of trip cost (NBA basketball match etc!) so he's kind of thinking that money is gone anyway.

He hasn't said why he doesn't want to go. I genuinely don't think he can pin it down. He hasn't been able to previously.

It was odd that he decided this all of a sudden in the middle of a happy family holiday over Christmas.

Next payment due imminently...

I would withhold pocket money until the amount is paid rather than taking all of his Christmas money.

DS1 was very like that. Form comes out and he's all keen then gradually cooled.

I wouldn't tell him he was going if he didn't want to. That's horrible.

He has to learn that actions have consequences and its your job as a parent to teach him this or someone else will and probably not very nicely in future. You can't be blasé about changing your mind if it's going to leave someone out of pocket and that's a life lesson worth hammering home regardless of age.

OP, if he really does t want to go, give him the opportunity to work off the deposit (doing extra chores, foregoing pocket money or other niceties) or suggest to him that he uses his Xmas money as payment towards it. That puts the responsibility for rectifying the situation back on him. Part of growing up is taking responsibility

We didn't encourage him at all. Quite the opposite because of the cost. This is a lot of money for us (whole trip). However DH was keen for him to go because he loves skiing (goes alone with friends heavily subsidised through work) and I'd never agree for it to be our family holiday.

If course he thinks it's unfair. Until now, you've enabled his wishy washy behaviour. Tell him he's paying for the trip if he doesn't go. Encourage him to go. If he doesn't, he pays. He'll be a lot more sure before he commits to anything else and it'll help reinforce the value of money.

Based on the fact that he initially wanted to go & now doesn't because nerves seem to have set in, I'd tell him he's going TBH.

Had he hated the one & only residential he's been on then it would be a different matter, but he didn't, he loved it.

It's normal to be nervous of new things but it does sound as though he'll probably enjoy it if he does go? It could be excellent for building his self confidence too, make it something he 'can' do rather than something he drops out of because he 'can't'.

I would cancel now. I wouldn't make him pay the deposit but that would be the end of future residential trips.

Maybe put the money back for a gap year/summer holiday when he is mature enough to handle it.

His rationale is that he can't just come home from this trip. We promised on the last one to pick him up at any time of the day or night.

For the Y6 trip we offered to camp next door and collect him each night and he still wouldn't go.

He's normally super confident, but there's a sensitive layer underneath.

£1500 for a week long school jolly?

You obviously aren't that hard up if you can afford to sdounk that kind of £££ and not even remember how much it is, so YABU.

I would say he can't go now as you can't take the risk. And I'd say he has to pay half of the deposit - £75.

I would definitely not take the risk of paying the next instalment no matter what he said.

I don't think we've enabled his behaviour before. He's said he wasn't sure (Y5+6) but I paid against his protests because there wasn't an option to opt in later. They were £30ish deposits.

He doesn't get pocket money as such from us. He has numerous activities that we pay for plus buy kit which we've always said is in lieu of pocket money. He gets some from GP but I couldn't take that.