Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To make DS1 pay forfeited deposit?

72 replies

Fourarmsv2 · 08/01/2016 22:00

History: In Y5 & Y6 I paid the deposit for DS1 to go on school residentials. I did so knowing he wasn't sure about going and reassured him it was fine either way. He didn't go on either occasion.

Start of Y7: Whole of Y7 went on a residential in week 1. He was very very unsure about going but HOY was fab at persuading him. He loved it.

Middle of Y7 term 1: an email comes through about a ski trip to the US. Many friends despair over cost. I smugly think at least DS1 won't want to go. Get home and guess what he asks....

DH and I spend hours discussing it with him. It's a week away skiing with city breaks either side. Good price for an amazing sounding experience. He's quite sure about going.... Deposit gets paid.

Over Christmas: he realises he's changed his mind and no longer wants to go.

I've said he can pay the deposit if he doesn't go (I didn't say this when I paid it). He's got £90 Christmas money left. The deposit was about £150. I know he'll love it, it's not for over a year yet, but I also know that if he refuses to go we could end up much more out of pocket than we are at the moment.

AIBU to make him pay? He's 12 this year, would be 13 at the time of the trip.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 09/01/2016 09:33

The point I was making was that he may not be able to have burger and chips daily. It may be a set meal in a separate room dedicated to school groups. The people organising this type of holiday will need to keep costs as low as possible. Letting a school group choose different meals is more time consuming and costly. I may be wrong in this case, but it's worth checking.

I would ask the school how it is organised. I doubt Tripadvisor will tell you what you need to know about school groups.

Lazeedayz · 09/01/2016 09:36

I would keep on working on him. He will most probably change his mind and be happy to go.

Dd went skiing with school last year and she loved it. She's not the most confident child and was worried about all sorts of things prior to going.

Tamponlady · 09/01/2016 09:36

Sorry I would make it clear that either he dosent go or if you pay and he refuses he is paying

alreadytaken · 09/01/2016 09:44

he's 12, an anxious sounding child and you don't want the bedwetting starting again. At Christmas, surrounded by his family, he realised that he doesn't actually enjoy being away from home.

I'd cancel the trip now, assuming you don't have to pay the full cost, and not try to send him on more residentials abroad for a couple of years. It's unfair to make him pay because you didnt warn him in advance that he would have to do so and you have given him an expectation that he can cancel without cost. In future make it clear that cancellation will include a charge, then make him pay if necessary.

He's growing up a little more slowly than his peer group, forcing him will make that worse. Try to encourage independence in other ways, martial arts training can be a good start.

lljkk · 09/01/2016 10:02

Seems to me you have to pay up this time. But as for the future...

I have had made mine pay the entire deposit out of their pocket money, and then it's firmly theirs to lose. Bitter experience.

Last yr DS paid half his pocket money towards residential (deposit ++). He got the money back upon his return.

Asskicker · 09/01/2016 10:08

I wouldn't make him go. I wouldn't take his Christmas money.

I would make him to do extra jobs at home to pay it off. Not the dishwasher if that's already something. He is meant to do.

He is old enough to understand the concept of money and commitment, imo.

Original poster

Fourarmsv2 · 09/01/2016 10:13

Overtired... - fingers crossed. Will try to find the original emails!

Fireside chat - sorry, I understood what you meant but didn't answer clearly. Was hoping burger & chips would be the cheap food they would feed them but may not be.

I don't think I'm going to make him pay it back. But I think I will draw up a chores rota for him to work off the money and 'save' for any future trips so he appreciates it a bit more.

He's actually happy & resigned to having to pay back the money in order to not have to go which shows me he's really not sure rather than just wobbling as £90 is a long way towards an Xbox one that he wants.

OP posts:

ovenchips · 09/01/2016 10:32

My children are a bit younger (so not sure if best placed to offer advice) but my DS is quite anxious and very scared of trying new things so I am thinking about him as I reply.

I think because the trip is so far away (in time) I would work with my son on the issues that have made him change his mind with a view to going on the trip. I think you need to know first and foremost why he has changed his mind. Until you know you're second guessing the situation.

Then I would unpick the different trigger points of the holiday and work on them individually. Take him (dry) ski-ing for the day, plan a much smaller 'event' that he would be anxious about doing and get him through that etc etc. So I'd take a lot of little steps over the next year or so to prepare him.

It's not even the losing the money to me (though it would deffo annoy!) it's about getting your child to learn that he can 'feel the fear and do it anyway'.

AppleSetsSail · 09/01/2016 10:39

I was in exactly your position last year - my son signed up for the ski trip and then decided he absolutely, positively did not want to go. We insisted that he go.

Long story short, it was pretty hard for both of us, and I regretted it pretty heavily while he was gone and cried the entire time I was at a restaurant the night they left and didn't update us on time, imagining that his coach had plunged off an Alpine cliff.

I'm not sure if it was a good idea in hindsight, I wouldn't force him again. We didn't have that 'eureka' I'm so glad I went moment.

Merguez · 09/01/2016 10:40

I would ask him to repay half the deposit - work out a way of doing it over a period of time if necessary.

I am currently having a reverse type of negotiation with ds. He wants to go on the school ski trip. He already gets 2 skiing holidays a year with us & my normal policy is we pay in full for educational trips for the dc (usually language-related) but fun trips they have to fund half themselves.

DS is a spender not a saver so this is going to be hard for him, he is negotiating hard! But I think also learning an important lesson.

AppleSetsSail · 09/01/2016 10:41

I would absolutely want a 12 year old to feel the financial pain of changing his mind, by the way. I'd go with half the deposit as a compromise, and I'd also use the opportunity to extract a promise to read a challenging book over half-term.

firesidechat · 09/01/2016 10:48

I'm sure they will do burger and chips, but maybe not everyday. When we took our 11 year old fussy eater to the US a few years ago, she lived on hot dogs 80% of the time. Fine on a family holiday, but I imagine a school trip would be less easy going about it.

N3wYear2016 · 09/01/2016 10:51

£1500 for a school trip is a huge amount of money

£150 is a lot of money

I anticipate that alot of children would like to go, but would be unable due to the cost

Because you have to pay in installments, I would make it clear to your son that he has to decide before next installment if he wants to go

I agree that if he does not want to go, save the money for the future

Does he have a bank account that you can save weekly or monthly

I would agree some extra chores around the house or garden

ohtheholidays · 09/01/2016 11:12

Being as this has been going on for a long time rather than punishing OP I'd be trying to get to the bottom of the behaviour.

I would of been the same at your sons age,I had really low self esteem and the thought of being so far away would have made me feel physically ill and would have most probably caused me to be sick.

But no one that knew me would have guessed that,I always seemed like the confident lively one amongst all my friends.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2016 11:26

I would pull him out of the trip and accept the loss of the £150

Something I wanted to pick up on though. When you say you haven't "enabled" this behaviour from him before I think you have. Offering to collect him every night from a previous trip or that you will pick him up at any time, also saying you will camp next the venue so he knows you are close by is madness. In our house, you go on a trip (at the often huge cost) for the full experience of it or you don't go at all.

Original poster

Fourarmsv2 · 09/01/2016 13:11

AF - he was 11. It was his end of Y6 trip. He'd refused the last one and nobody could persuade him to go on this one. He couldn't explain why he didn't want to go. We camp a lot anyway. It was a way of enabling him to have the experience without the sadness. If that makes me mad so be it :)

Offering to pick him up - I was almost certain that it wouldn't come to it. I knew he'd have a fab time if I could just get him to go. The promise was sincere - but knowing it was gave him the security to go if that makes sense.

OP posts:

averythinline · 09/01/2016 14:43

Fourarms, I understand the anytime pick up .camping next door scenario we did this with ds first Cubs trips and he was ok once there.... Following on he did a full week away with Cubs but also knew was not far from home...
His yr 6 trip is 4hours a way and he's wobbling/flip flopping.... I've paid the deposit as want him to have the choice once everyone keeps talking about it...

but am having read this am now thinking will just can it and accept the loss as already taken has said ...

why make him anxious ? I'm sure there will be other trips he can go on in the future...maybe start with trips not so far away before an overseas one...

I didn't leave the uk until I was 20 couldn't afford it, but have since travelled lots ... Lots of people I know didn't ski til at university hasn't stopped them enjoying it.... I would just remove the stress ..re deposit some cash some work...whether it's leaf sweeping or extra music practice!

woollytights · 09/01/2016 15:48

I wouldn't make him pay, he's only 12 and has no actual income of his own. He's a child. You paid up knowing his history of anxiety around trips so it wasn't totally unexpected for him to change his mind. I like the idea a previous poster had about showing him the cost of things so he understands that changing his mind isn't always a straightforward thing and can have consequences.

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2016 15:54

He needs to learn to commit to stuff. Or maybe mum & dad need to put their foot down & realise he has form for this & not pay deposits of 150gbp when they have a son who doesn't like residentials?

Floggingmolly · 09/01/2016 16:04

offering to pick him up... the offer was sincere - but knowing it was gave him the security to go if that makes sense
Except he didn't go, did he? Even knowing you'd be camping in the next field... What made you think he'd be ok on a weeks trip to the States??
I think you should suck up the deposit yourself, tbh, you were seriously unwise to imagine it was ever going to happen.

Damselindestress · 09/01/2016 17:35

I think that given he has been wobbly about trips in the past and in those situations you've paid the deposit and specifically told him he doesn't have to go and it's fine either way, he probably assumed it would be the same this time so it would be unfair to charge him. He didn't know that the rules had changed and he would be liable for the deposit. If you had made that clear from the start it would be different. I do think it is reasonable to tell him his decision has financial consequences and you might not be able to pay for treats or optional activities for a while because you are down £150. And that the next time something big like this comes up don't pay or only pay on the condition that he will cover the deposit if he drops out. What's important is making expectations clear from the start.

Original poster

Fourarmsv2 · 09/01/2016 21:27

DH home. He's disappointed that DS doesn't want to go and wants to keep paying in case he changes his mind.

DS has told me he was homesick on Y7 residential and is worried he'll feel like that again but be half way around the world and unable to come back.

DS happy to pay deposit and have it all go away. Happy enough that I think he understands that he did commit to it this time.

We've compromised on chores to compensate which I think will be a good thing to get into anyway. Then once we're done he can start saving towards an Xbox one.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread