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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DS1 pay forfeited deposit?

72 replies

Fourarmsv2 · 08/01/2016 22:00

History: In Y5 & Y6 I paid the deposit for DS1 to go on school residentials. I did so knowing he wasn't sure about going and reassured him it was fine either way. He didn't go on either occasion.

Start of Y7: Whole of Y7 went on a residential in week 1. He was very very unsure about going but HOY was fab at persuading him. He loved it.

Middle of Y7 term 1: an email comes through about a ski trip to the US. Many friends despair over cost. I smugly think at least DS1 won't want to go. Get home and guess what he asks....

DH and I spend hours discussing it with him. It's a week away skiing with city breaks either side. Good price for an amazing sounding experience. He's quite sure about going.... Deposit gets paid.

Over Christmas: he realises he's changed his mind and no longer wants to go.

I've said he can pay the deposit if he doesn't go (I didn't say this when I paid it). He's got £90 Christmas money left. The deposit was about £150. I know he'll love it, it's not for over a year yet, but I also know that if he refuses to go we could end up much more out of pocket than we are at the moment.

AIBU to make him pay? He's 12 this year, would be 13 at the time of the trip.

OP posts:

Saxons · 08/01/2016 23:00

I think he has to pay the deposit or at least half of it.

Hatethis22 · 08/01/2016 23:01

I'd take the Christmas money. He's old enough to understand.

Hatethis22 · 08/01/2016 23:03

Also pull out of the trip or he'll just change his mind later and cost you more money.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/01/2016 23:03

If the school find someone else to go then presumably you might not be out of pocket the full £150?

I'd try that route first and no I wouldn't make him pay it back.

Original poster

Fourarmsv2 · 08/01/2016 23:04

It's a week in the US skiing staying in a hotel plus two weekend city breaks either side. Everything (kit wise) is included.

I've got memory issues. I saw the figure by email about 2 months ago. We can afford it with 18 months of payments. I don't need to remember the exact number. It's a lot, but not an insurmountable amount. However, I'm more worried by the principle of the situation.

OP posts:

PoshPenny · 08/01/2016 23:05

^^This seems a very fair compromise to me. I would not proceed with the trip and I would not agree to any more for a year or two either if he's like this. My girls were big homebodies so I can understand where he's coming from. The first lost is the smallest loss so I would definitely bale out now, it's his choice after all, so you're hardly being mean.

CockwombleJeff · 08/01/2016 23:07

Fourarms I would try in yourself not to let his anxieties pass over to you.
Don't let him see that your anxious - calmly reassure him and tell him he needs to go.
A year is such a long time honestly he will be fine.
I had this issue with my DD - I played it down , continued to pay the money , she went and loved it .
It is such a hard thing to know what to do - but I would honestly play calmly and confidently and not too harsh. Yes they need to learn about responsibility but that aside It's a difficult age fraught with anxieties.

Original poster

Fourarmsv2 · 08/01/2016 23:08

I might offer a working back the money compromise of emptying the dishwasher 150 times? (I know he should be doing that anyway!)

OP posts:

EvaTheOptimist · 08/01/2016 23:10

He's said he doesn't want to go... you didn't want him to go... so definitely don't pay the next instalment!

queenoftheboys · 08/01/2016 23:16

We've just had a very similar situation with a U.S. trip. In the end DS1 backed out before deposit, DS2 (same age as your DS) decided to go ahead,so deposit has been paid.

We made it clear that the time to back out was before money was paid, and although we didn't specifically say so, if he did change his mind now I would make him pay something towards the cost, but would give him the choice of where that money came from - saved money, future pocket money etc. So he gets to feel the consequences of his actions, but has some control over it.

On a separate topic (that you didn't ask about) DH is a skier and I'm not, but he finally convinced me to go on a family skiing holiday. I enjoyed it much more than I expected. I did lots of walking around the area and reading books by the fire by myself - luxury! They all had fun skiing. And I built up some holiday-destination-deciding credit It was a win-win-win!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/01/2016 23:20

I agree with your point on principle but think you should have made it clearer to him up front that you were going to do this.

As it is, I think that the solution offered by a PP is the best - make him pay half of the deposit, and definitely don't pay any more into the trip. Make it very clear to him that he's made his choice to not go, and that he will have to stand by it now.

He does seem to have the opportunity to go on a lot of residential trips away though! I think I did 2 in my whole school career - one in Y6, I suppose it would be, and the other was a Geography field trip aged around 13.

riverboat1 · 08/01/2016 23:24

While there is probably a good chance he'd go and have a wonderful time if you just brushed away his objections, paid up and chivvied him along onto the trip...there's also a small chance he'd either point blank refuse to get on the plane or else go and have a melt down and want to come back.

It would be great for him for you to go with the first option...but £1500 is a hell of a high price to bet on something that isn't a sure thing.

I think either go with the first option with reinforcements eg watch cool YouTube videos with him of people skiing, watch films set in the cities he'll be visiting, remind him of why he wanted to go in the first place. Or let him but pull out but definitely with him paying back some of the deposit and doing extra chores towards the rest.

Morecheesegrommet · 08/01/2016 23:25

He's only year 7.

It's annoying but it's not the end of the world. Tell him how frustrated you are and that this will have an impact on future decisions, then move on. Next time there is a trip remind him off this and spell out what will happen if he does it again.
But he will grow out of this. That's what children do. Grow and learn.

knobblyknee · 08/01/2016 23:35

It was odd that he decided this all of a sudden in the middle of a happy family holiday over Christmas.

Is everything ok with him? You dont think thats just collywobbles.

Cant you sell the place to someone else?

IguanaTail · 08/01/2016 23:49

He's scared because it's the unknown and he's not thinking that his friends will all be there and it will be like a huge fun giant sleepover and doing skiing and games etc all day. Get him to invite a friend over who is going and yes get them to look at YouTube videos of it all. Once he has got the thought of the fun he will have together with a buddy that will help. He's not seeing himself in a group situation at the moment - he is imaging himself in an unknown place with people he doesn't know that well.

TracyBarlow · 08/01/2016 23:57

I wouldn't charge him. It sounds like he didn't want to go in the first place, but said he would go to please you and your husband because he knows that you really want him to go on this type of trip.

That said, I would tell him that you are taking him at his word and withdrawing him from the trip and say no more about it. I wouldn't pay any more money and I wouldn't even consider any more trips for the next couple of years.

I wouldn't then get into endless discussions about it. It sounds like he's not doing it to be a little shit, he just genuinely worries about staying away. Because he's been able to change his mind about these trips so much in the past, he hasn't really yet realised the consequences of doing so.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 08/01/2016 23:58

I think riverboat's suggestion is good. Let him have 2-3 days 'researching' YouTube clips and top sights of the cities on the itinerary, and tell him you need a final answer. He needs to know that he can't fanny about over £1500 that is going to take 14 months to repay (if I've understood you correctly).

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 09/01/2016 00:00

Correction 18 months (zero option to fanny about )

Original poster

Fourarmsv2 · 09/01/2016 08:23

TracyBarlow - definitely not doing it to please us initially. He didn't know his dad had been as a child and loved it.

All of his friends have signed up, maybe there had been an assembly about it at school to hype them up?

A couple of the friendships were a bit wobbly at the end of term, maybe that didn't help?

On the primary school trips I think he was worried about bedwetting (took meds for it) & food (rubbish eater). But I think knowing what hotels are like he knows there will be something he'll eat (maybe less likely at kids activity centre?) and he's off meds with no issues now.

DH returns from a skiing trip tomorrow so I'll get him to have one final chat with him before we email the school.

We could try and 'sell' the place but it wasn't that they ran out of places - they were able to take as many as wanted to go. There was a rush initially to get the deposit in as it might have been that they only ran one 'coach' load but once that was filled they then said there was extra capacity.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 09/01/2016 08:37

Just a word of caution and not to put your son off at all because I think it's a fantastic opportunity. I wouldn't assume that he will have a choice of food just because it's a hotel. I went on a Mediterranean cruise with my school donkeys years ago. The food was grim, grim, grim, eaten in a dungeon in the bowels of the ship and I assume nothing like the meals the other passengers had. The hotels may have a special deal and the food may well be more basic than general hotel food, with little choice.

firesidechat · 09/01/2016 08:40

I'm not saying that the food in these hotels will be anywhere near as bad as the stuff I experienced, but I seriously doubt he will have the chance to choose from a menu.

cantgonofurther · 09/01/2016 08:46

I wouldn't make him pay the lost deposit if he is anxious about going. He is only 12.
I would cancel his place on the trip even though it would be a shame if he changed his feelings nearer the time.

In year 5 my dd went to France with school. She was crying the night before and the morning she went. I made her go as felt she would enjoy it and regret not going. (I felt awful though) It wasn't as bad as she expected however I think she found constantly being around people hard andbshe has never asked to go on any high school residential trips

Original poster

Fourarmsv2 · 09/01/2016 08:52

Thankyou for the pointer, I will check. It's an American hotel so I imagined worse case scenario would be burger and chips daily. But I will look them up on Tripsdvisor etc.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 09/01/2016 09:26

The £150 is a sunk cost. Dont make him pay it back but lay it down very clearly what that cost means. Take him shopping, show him things. Show him what he has cost you.

At 12 he probably doesnt really understand how much £150 (much less the full cost) is. This is a good opportunity to learn.

OvertiredandConfused · 09/01/2016 09:31

You might want to check you can pull out without further penalty. I'm Chair of Governors at a secondary school. Often with school trips we are committing to the numbers once the booking is made. We pay in instalments and pass that on to parents but we are liable for the full amount.

Hope that's not the case here.

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